Asking her to be my girlfriend (trigger warning), journal

I dont really consider it an erotic story but if it triggers you then you should definitely not read this thread. Maybe I should put in a trigger warning. This is almost a journal at this point.

 

Edited the title. I dont remember everything I have written in here but I guess some parts can be triggering so I added a warning in the title.

 

I wont be writing any more entries here probably. Not in a while at least.
It is settled between us for now. We are good friends, we meet every now and then. I would say we go on some dates. But we are not ending up together now or probably ever. I learned a lot during this process though. Thanks for reading all.

 

I didn't think I was going to write another entry in here. For those of you that are easily triggered, please do not continue reading this thread.

My crush on Icy is more or less gone. We met again two times last weekend and two times this weekend. She is coming to my place on Tuesday. I didn't flirt with her at all on Saturday since I didn't feel like it. I was meeting her with the idea that we are friends now. I gave her a Christmas gift. Not really a gift. I promised her to give her a book of mine earlier but I wrapped it in.

Turned out that she really appreciated it. So we went for a pretty long walk and she flirted with me. After the walk ended she wanted to take me to another spot and we ended up walking for a good while until she came up with the idea that we should feed some ducks. So we did that in -15 degrees for like 2 hours.

I did acknowledge her touches. She touched my arm, my back. I always hug her when we meet and when we leave but other than that I kept my hands to myself this time.

I asked her in for a coffee but she said she was in a weird mood and wanted to go home. She seems to have some sort of anxiety coming to my place. Maybe I need to reassure her that nothing is going to happen for now at least.

So on Saturday I was left a little confused. We agreed to meet again on Sunday. Since she was still being pretty flirty and was suggesting future plans left and right I decided to flirt back a little. On Sunday we went for an even longer walk. I think we was walking for close to 4 hours until about 9 pm. I invited her in on a coffee again. I think that is just a natural question to ask when it is bloody -15 degrees outside and I have a cute cat getting bored to death in the apartment.

She said that she was coming to my city today to visit her grandma. I told her that only Tuesday is going to work since I am leaving again on Wednesday. And she agreed on that. That is tomorrow. So we are meeting 3 times in a week. Right now I am somewhat confused.

I know she wont be like this all the time so I am just feeling my way trough it. I have concluded that she is not girlfriend material but at the same time it doesn't seem like just a friendship to me. Seems like she have done some thinking herself since she rejected me and are testing the waters again.

I dont mind flirting with her and being good friends with her. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. Time will show though. She suggested going to festivals, spas, diving classes, hill climbing and even bowling. That for sure sounds like a bunch of dates to me.

 

Okay so different circumstances made it go around 6 weeks since last I met up with Icy.

I went out with Hanna on Valentines day. It has been a tradition to go out with someone even if it isnt a date for many years now. I was supposed to visit Icy last weekend. She actually asked me if I am visiting again soon.

I turned ill and went to the hospital for a week though so I didnt meet her. After the hospital visit I met her again. We went for a walk yesterday and it was nice.

I was having a bit of a brain fog since I havent been too good with my Nofap streaks recently. She didnt seem to notice and she talked about a bunch of different topics.

I really didn't need to contribute since she was talking most of the time. And she flirted. I hardly noticed her touching me. Brain fog.

Today we met again and I was a bit more mentally prepared. It was nice and sunny after a cold winter. We walked for a long time. We went to the library, talked about her art talent a little and how she considered maybe making some comics some day.

We went to several cafeterias and bought coffee while we were hanging out. I made sure to sit down close to her whenever I got the chance. The vibe was pretty good. She was touchy.

She was talking about how I can come to her apartment when it is ready and even suggested that I can sleep over for a few days when it is ready.

After we had walked for 3 hours or so I kissed her goodbye and asked if she wanted to meet El later today. She seemed hesitant joining a party at my sisters place so I didnt expect her to come.

10 minutes before the party she asked if I would be drinking. I said no. El was here and a very charming Italian girl and a Dutch guy.

Icy was here from 19 to 23. She warmed up more and more and something clicked. She suddenly got very into me. Looked at me without breaking eye contact for seconds at a time. She brushed up on me and started to touch me a lot more than I think she ever have.

El is a supermodel. Actually, she is a model and a psychologist of sorts. Then this Italian girl, Theana or something was also very hot. She was studying marketing and had the perfect Italian accent.

Icy told me that my friends were very pretty. She told me that I seemed more mature than my sister in some ways and more immature in other ways. I guess thats accurate.

Icy left at about 11 pm and I followed her out. She sent me a thank you message after. I dont really have a crush on her right now. But we definitively have chemistry. It almost seems like she is starting a crush on me now and that is really a much better situation to be in.

 

This thread is sort of my second journal at this point. I really need to get a good Nofap streak going as I have been doing quite bad recently. Nothing is going to happen with Icy or with anyone unless I really make Nofap a priority.

Today I am just depressed. It was a good weekend but now I am home again. Covid restrictions and studying from home. It is a though time for all of us. I haven't met many friends in recent months. All I really can do is to prepare as good as I can for the day the world opens up again.

 

Hi guys. Been a while since I posted anything here. My country is on lock down still like everywhere else. Been about a month since I last saw Icy. She is about the only friend I am seeing during lock down. Can only meet her every once in a while though. Restrictions and I have to rely on being able to borrow my sisters apartment to take a weekend there. So I saw her on Friday. We were together for 8 long hours. Went for a long walk, went to the park, then watched Netflix for several hours. Meeting her once a month isnt ideal but Covid is mostly to blame for that. She is touching me more nowadays, more comfortable around me. We were sitting pretty close on the couch when watching Netflix. I got pretty anxious when she started to escalate a little. Been PMOing way too much lately and that numbs my feelings to such a degree that I cant even get myself to flirt properly. She asked me if I play Fortnite yesterday while we were out on a 3 hour walk in the park. I know she have never played it before but she have noticed when I mentioned it earlier and pretended she have been starting to play. So some day soon we will play Fortnite. I think that is a good way to stay in touch when we are separated by distance and lock down.

 

I have some feelings for her but I dont know. This have been going on for so long now that I have to consider us just friends. She seems patient with me and I am being patient with her. It is like we are just waiting out an incredibly long storm. No reason to get our hopes up until we can meet a lot more often. Before the lock down we could see each others up to 3 times a week. In the hospital, its actually 4 years ago now, we were seeing each other every single day. Back then there was some really good times.

 

At this point I am not expecting anything from her other than a friendship. I think it is ok to have her as a friend although I sometimes have some feelings for her. Think she said the same to me once. Only reason I am not meeting other girls right now is this damn pandemic.

And although we probably never will be together because we are simply not meeting often enough, long distance and all of that, we always have a good time.

I really look forward to when this pandemic ends. The govs are talking about the end of may. If I start now, I can get a good streak by then. I am staying in touch with around 40 girls right now. Old friends, crushes and what not.

I have about 3 girls I meet semi regularly right now. The rest can wait. They wont run away anyways. I think I have made a big deal out of Icy for a long time now since she is basically the only girl I have been meeting for the last year. Normally I would meet 50+ girls in a week and probably go on a few dates but this year isn't normal.

It is some science around it suggesting that the more time a guy spends with a girl, the more he likes her. That goes the other way too. I dont think neither me or Icy is ready for any sort of relationship anytime soon. I need to get my PMO addiction under control and she probably needs a few more years in therapy or something.

 

One of the most accurate descriptions of my situation so far. I need to get my shit together and she needs too. I relapsed again today. Was really feeling committed but it is a hard habit to break. I need to analyze what went wrong tomorrow and focus on making a good streak. I dont know how to flirt anymore. I always have porn in the back of my mind and I get anxious about stepping over any lines. Besides, I cant think straight and I cant feel real emotions.

 

And porn has nothing to do with my abandonment issues really. But it stops me from actually exploring it. I need a clear mind and real emotions to be able to work trough it.

 

Thanks for your reply. My best streak to date is 105 days. I know it is not about the days in the end but I have to start somewhere and motivation is a good place to start.

And yea, I am in therapy two times a week. I have complex PTSD and Schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. Depersonalization disorder but that is just one of many symptoms within the CPTSD label.

I rarely fall for someone. When I do, it seems to always be people I deep down know that I shouldn't be dating. On long Nofap streaks, flirting have never been an issue so I guess I need to start there.

 

Quick update: Fear of commitment and fear of abandonment. I think Icy have a little of both. She was very positive and all last weekend but right after I left, she went cold again. Pretty unresponsive for the last week. I am not putting to much meaning into it.

I am going to her City this weekend and will tell her that I am visiting. I have 4 and potentially 5 girl friends that I am going to meet. I hope Icy wants to hang out too but I am not going to rely on her mood to make the most out of my weekend. Besides, maybe it is a good thing if she meets some of my friends.

Still not considering her as gf material. A decent and sometimes a good friend. The more I think about it, the more I am thinking that I can do better. I can find someone just as pretty but more secure in themselves. I am never locking out all possibilities though. Most of my friends are either attractive or great talking companions.

Icy is just there in the realm of possibilities. I think we have a good friendship for sure. Taking it to the next level? Maybe, but probably not.