Its hard.. I am way over 30s and still a virgin but thats not whats bothering me really. Intimacy starved but at the same time i cant handle intimacy. Frak !! Sometimes I rewind and look at every encounter and possibility i had with girl or women and its always the same story. My mind wont let me.. Earlies memorys 6y old. Later in first class a girl liked me and chased me around.. Why did i run away and not let her catch me.. I dreamed and fantasised about these and other girls for years but IRL i could not handle even having a girl as a friend. Sister brought home girl friends and introduced me.. neighbor girl and her friend wanted to get to know me.. I mean it felt like someone was teasing me.. It was not about sex at that age, only the closeness and warm feeling of having a girl close. Its the same response i have now. I run. In fantasy i always wanted to be caught but in reality i panic and flee. Its a super-superstrong feeling and it wont go away ever. It also has to do with that i am bad at talking about emotional related things or anything at all really. I cant have a real conversation.. too broken. Text is easier becouse you can think for a long time and edit forever before posting. Best case scenario mayby i can talk about my tecnical hobbys but what girl wants to hear about that. It seems some others with Aspergers has the same problem when reading on reddit.. Even someone had a girldfriend but threw up everytime when she was visiting becouse of the anxiety.. Very easy to get into porn adiction as it require no social skills. I had terbytes of VR porn. What happpens is i close off the outside world.. I can pretend everything is ok or dive into some hobby. Sometimes i pretend being someone else and i feel better as long as i am in my bubble. For example i like the HBO series Sopranos. Fantasizing being Tony, alpha male, big cigarr in the mouth having the world by its balls. Plenty of women. Ofc i would not like to be a sociopath, have depression/have anxiety attacks or kill people but you get the point. Adding to that i think my testosteron is almost gone now.. after 30y it started to fall.. or atleast it felt likt it. I will probably test myself next year but i thought i give nofap a go first. I try and find motivation and succed for awhile but reality of things always comes back. My urges to fap are gone, 5 weeks without it. I looked at some nude pictures today thought. I felt really blue and craving female closeness but i didnt feel aroused. I know there are people who cuddle for money (as its legal) but thats way to scary for an Asperger person like myself.. My sister seems to be a bit like me but mayby to as emotinal challanged. There wont be any more of us thought. No relationships and def. no own family. Sorry for the rant.. i had so high hopes for how life would be when i was young and nothing went the way i had thought. Why is everything so hard. Its not enough that life is hard on the outside but also having to fight yourself on the inside is too much.. 40y virgin is 100% for real soon and thats not even top10 thing i am sad about..