Guten Tag. It's been quite some time since i've written a post in any section of the forum at all. But now that so much time has passed and that i have come across an important part of the process i think it's a good to write about something. It's been two years since i begun with my therapist and started taking meds with my psychiatrist. Many things have happened in two years. Along my therapy i decided to go all out with Nofap, my goal was rebooting my brain. I was so focused on increasing the days on my counter that i missed the point on the things which were actually important, and that was replacing the old habits. I did just that and did my very best following my therapist guidance along with doing my research on how to improve. The results were formidable and lo and behold i made it past not only 90 days but also the 140 day mark. The rebooting was a success and it was mission accomplished. However it was at that moment i knew..... PMO was only a smokescreen which did not allow me to see what i had to see. It was then that the real enemy stood before me, rearing it's ugly head. The cause for me to turn to pornography and become addicted to it as a way to easy my pain and sorrow in the first place. I'm talking about depression. The i want to die kind of depression, one filled with a sensation of horror constantly on me, brutal mood swings, panic and anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns. And unlike with Porn addiction...... this one would not be as easy. They went back to when i was 10, when i prayed to God every night to wake up dead the next morning. A lot was going in my life at the time. That isn't something you should be hearing from a 10 year old kid. I've been fighting against that on my own for 20 years of my life, until finally i entered therapy, both psychological and psychiatric. I've been on meds for the last two years. It was no longer a fight to overcome an addiction, this time it was my life at stake. No exaggeration, because during those 20 years i tried taking my life a total of 4 times, each with the same method and either stopping short or being stopped for one reason or the other. The last time i fell into genuine despair was in february this year, my mother found out and i wasnt left on my own for a moment for quite some time. I fought hard and put a lot of effort in order to be healed from that. I wanted to stop relying on meds to be stable. And now just that happened. In my last session my therapist, who is in touch with the psychiatrist tells me that my brain has it's stuff together now and the chemicals and all are in place. And as such next time, chances are i'll be med free from then on. I never thought this moment would come. This is a huge accomplishment of the process. For that to happen i had to go a "Cleansing" of sorts which was painful to do, because i realized that all of what i mentioned had it's roots in my childhood and teenage year experiences. That gave place to a strong desire for vengeance, resentment, fury and hatred which i carried with me during all these years. It was hard but i finally came to terms with the fact nothing i did would nullify what's already done, and that would never give me the peace i sought. This was not easy to do, as i had to let go of my injured ego/pride because it simply was not worth it, and i was missing out on what i was actually supposed to be doing. Since that took place things have improved a lot over here, seeing life and people differently, accepting the things i cannot change with patience and working in the ones i can and should with courage. Life has become a lot easier and for the first time i feel genuinely free, now that the thing which hindered me is gone. All of that happened to me, that much is true but dwelling on that won't get me anywhere. Pity others have for you is bad, but the one you have for yourself is an even worse one. Oh and to finish this. I ran out of meds and haven't been able to procure because farmacies don't have the ones i took anymore. It's been weeks, and i haven't needed them to be at peace. I won't always be in a good mood, that's fine, i'll get mad or sad at times and that's fine too. After all i'd cease to be a human if that were not the case, all emotions are important. I close my post by saying that overcoming PMO dependancy shouldn't be where you should stop, there's more you can do with your life than just that, a lot more. For me it's not over yet though. There's another thing i need to tackle, and those are prejudices against sexuality itself. But i'm working on that, another story entirely.