At long last..... i am free.

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Der Drachenkönig, Sep 21, 2020.

  1. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    Guten Tag.
    It's been quite some time since i've written a post in any section of the forum at all. But now that so much time has passed and that i have come across an important part of the process i think it's a good to write about something.
    It's been two years since i begun with my therapist and started taking meds with my psychiatrist. Many things have happened in two years. Along my therapy i decided to go all out with Nofap, my goal was rebooting my brain. I was so focused on increasing the days on my counter that i missed the point on the things which were actually important, and that was replacing the old habits. I did just that and did my very best following my therapist guidance along with doing my research on how to improve. The results were formidable and lo and behold i made it past not only 90 days but also the 140 day mark. The rebooting was a success and it was mission accomplished. However it was at that moment i knew..... PMO was only a smokescreen which did not allow me to see what i had to see. It was then that the real enemy stood before me, rearing it's ugly head. The cause for me to turn to pornography and become addicted to it as a way to easy my pain and sorrow in the first place.
    I'm talking about depression. The i want to die kind of depression, one filled with a sensation of horror constantly on me, brutal mood swings, panic and anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns. And unlike with Porn addiction...... this one would not be as easy.
    They went back to when i was 10, when i prayed to God every night to wake up dead the next morning. A lot was going in my life at the time. That isn't something you should be hearing from a 10 year old kid. I've been fighting against that on my own for 20 years of my life, until finally i entered therapy, both psychological and psychiatric. I've been on meds for the last two years. It was no longer a fight to overcome an addiction, this time it was my life at stake. No exaggeration, because during those 20 years i tried taking my life a total of 4 times, each with the same method and either stopping short or being stopped for one reason or the other. The last time i fell into genuine despair was in february this year, my mother found out and i wasnt left on my own for a moment for quite some time.

    I fought hard and put a lot of effort in order to be healed from that. I wanted to stop relying on meds to be stable. And now just that happened.
    In my last session my therapist, who is in touch with the psychiatrist tells me that my brain has it's stuff together now and the chemicals and all are in place. And as such next time, chances are i'll be med free from then on.

    I never thought this moment would come. This is a huge accomplishment of the process. For that to happen i had to go a "Cleansing" of sorts which was painful to do, because i realized that all of what i mentioned had it's roots in my childhood and teenage year experiences. That gave place to a strong desire for vengeance, resentment, fury and hatred which i carried with me during all these years. It was hard but i finally came to terms with the fact nothing i did would nullify what's already done, and that would never give me the peace i sought. This was not easy to do, as i had to let go of my injured ego/pride because it simply was not worth it, and i was missing out on what i was actually supposed to be doing.

    Since that took place things have improved a lot over here, seeing life and people differently, accepting the things i cannot change with patience and working in the ones i can and should with courage. Life has become a lot easier and for the first time i feel genuinely free, now that the thing which hindered me is gone. All of that happened to me, that much is true but dwelling on that won't get me anywhere. Pity others have for you is bad, but the one you have for yourself is an even worse one.

    Oh and to finish this. I ran out of meds and haven't been able to procure because farmacies don't have the ones i took anymore. It's been weeks, and i haven't needed them to be at peace. I won't always be in a good mood, that's fine, i'll get mad or sad at times and that's fine too. After all i'd cease to be a human if that were not the case, all emotions are important.

    I close my post by saying that overcoming PMO dependancy shouldn't be where you should stop, there's more you can do with your life than just that, a lot more.

    For me it's not over yet though. There's another thing i need to tackle, and those are prejudices against sexuality itself. But i'm working on that, another story entirely.
     
  2. Thanks for sharing this encouraging and uplifting story. You express yourself so well. I am delighted for you that you are feeling well and free now. You are showing us the way.
     
  3. Selix

    Selix Fapstronaut

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    first of all you made a hell of a journey congrats on that ( bist du deutscher?)

    I can really relate to that... we were disconnected with the world and couldnt move with or along

    I'm currently reflecting where I'm going wrong and take action to change that... overcoming pmo is just a base to live a fullfilled life
     
  4. ALPHAandOMEGA

    ALPHAandOMEGA Fapstronaut

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    Amen Brother. Inspiring and uplifting.
     
    Freeman82 and Der Drachenkönig like this.
  5. This is a temporary process, you will not spend your whole life in anger and revenge feelings.There will come such a moment that you will realize that you are not naturally feeling all the anger and revenge.It won't be because of emotional numbness.You will realize that how strong and brave you are.This will fill you with honor and pride and you will forgive everything and move on with your life.I congratulate you. Never give up, brother.Continue to keep improving yourself in every area and facing your fears !
     
    Der Drachenkönig likes this.
  6. Mike93

    Mike93 Fapstronaut

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  7. Mike93

    Mike93 Fapstronaut

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    thanks for sharing this amazing story
     
  8. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    That is pretty much what happened. Saying it was hard and painful would be an understatement. You see, i believe the hardest part of it all, was accepting the fact that even if i actually got my vengeance, managed to break both the people who wronged me and the imaginary enemies i had created as a result of emotional baggage, even if the world was reduced to ash none of that would nullify what happened to me, i would not be healed and i would never find peace and closure. That.... along with the added side effect of essentially becoming the perpetrator, becoming the very same people i spoke against so much. No matter how you look at it, it just isn't worth it, condemning yourself out of pettiness, too many consequences, collateral damage and little to no benefits to yourself.

    Holding grudges and harming others just because life handed you the short end of the stick. Not only is that not being strong, but it's also implying life owes you something because you suffered like one of those entitled kids making a tantrum. That, is mediocrity and cowardice at it's finest and i wanted none of that. It's sort of like wearing a robe full of lead which is heavy and you can barely move in it, expecting that will make you invincible. (Divine Comedy reference right there) Accepting it hurts, accepting you were fighting windmills believing them giants hurts, it's a slap in the face to your ego. But in order to grow you need this, after all you do not achieve the good things in comfort with the blue pill in full effect.

    I don't know everything, but that's far from bad not having anything new to see would be stagnation, in fact i intend to be in a constant state of learning and improvement. And if some in the same situation or worse along the way appear and can be helped even better.

    And thank you for your words of encouragement. Giving up is not something i intend to do.
     
  9. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys, for encouraging me to keep pushing forward. Your words do mean a lot.
     
    The Symbol of Hope likes this.
  10. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    Ich spreche viele spracher. Was glaubst du?

    Good to know you're doing that. It's just the cornerstone for a better and fulfilled life, overcoming an addiction should not be your only goal, that's limiting yourself. I hope you'll have that figured out soon, your goals in life, clearance on what you really want.
     
    Selix likes this.
  11. First of all, Guten Tag.

    Second - holy scheisse, congrats! You are a literal Gott.

    Third -
    We can discuss this if you want (auf Englisch) I used to have prejudices against sexualities (still probably do) but I managed to stop letting my personal disgust control my sense of reason.
     
  12. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    Danke.

    Of course, i have no problem. Fine by me, i'm interested in hearing about these prejudices.
     
  13. pcmaster

    pcmaster Fapstronaut

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    Man... It took my attention when I read that you prayed to God. If you continued to pursue this path then you wouldn't need meds. But all I can say is that meds numb demons inside of you. But seeking God with your whole heart, worshiping and living in faith, makes demons flee from you. Also surrendering to God really helps to forgive. He forgave us for our sins and died for us. So because of forgiveness we got, its easier to forgive others. Once you start to feel it with your heart and Holy Spirit starts to live in you then you become more God alike in a way that you grow as much bigger personality - forgiving, peaceful, joyful, and slow to get angry.

    One the other note I understand you that we should do so much more with our life than stop nofap. Really nofap is huge, but it's only a part - something we don't do not something we do. - I mean nofap comes automatical after hundreds of days and something active needs to be done to keep improving. In the end, there are so many other big and smaller addictions and things we can do to improve. Like spiritual growth with God and Jesus, body training, studying, socialize in real life, work, career, etc.
     
  14. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    I was raised Catholic even if i strayed from faith for a long time in my life only coming back to it in 2016. So yes, i indeed pray, although like i said at 10 years old i prayed to God everynight so i would die. After so many things and having survived situations in which i should have died but lived i'm convinced there is a reason i'm still in here. And so there is no choice but to fight as best as i can. I'd say the thing i ask from him the most nowadays is that my fortitude and determination don't falter, and wisdom to make good decisions. What you say has helped me grow for sure, i used to get upset a lot in the past but me being actually angry is a rare ocurrence in my adult age. And yes, i agree about meds. They're meant to be a temporary solution after all.
     

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