At the end of my rope...again. Everything is porn.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Betterman92, Nov 12, 2014.

  1. Betterman92

    Betterman92 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,

    So I had a little relapse issue again the other week. I accidentally looked at a picture of a woman for a little too long and boom, all the bad feelings are back. I'm back in withdrawals again, back to little to no confidence, back to being fatigued everyday, and back to being generally pissed off with everything.

    I guess I feel like right now is a good time to possibly review and adjust an aspect of my Nofap journey.

    Since around half a year ago, everything has become porn. What do I mean by this? I mean that nearly everything can trigger me to go back into some form of withdrawals. It can be anything. A picture of a woman on a random poster (NOTHING pornographic about it), a suggestive action or gesture, the words on a screen, a description of something, anything. It's getting to the point where it's really, really bad. I can't even watch a totally random, totally non-pornographic video on Youtube because if I accidentally put too much emphasis or focus on a woman in the video, I revert back into withdrawals and that nasty feeling comes back again. I'm sure some of you know what I mean. It's like that "porn-zone" of my brain gets turned back on again and it's fucking brutal.

    I honestly can't live like this. And I think most of you can agree that this doesn't seem healthy. It feels great when it works and I finally get to that *eureka* moment, but Jesus Christ, it is damn near impossible to do at this point.

    Since my anxiety medication kicked in a couple of days ago, I've been feeling less anxious (naturally). This would appear to be a good thing, but I'm kind of convinced that it caused my relapse. Whereas prior to being medicated my anxiety would kick in and cause me to look away extremely quickly, I didn't have that response this time. I just felt more relaxed. I took a glance. Took another quick glance. And then the damage was done. The thing is, I can't afford to not take medication as my anxiety is extremely damaging to myself and others. I just don't know how to work with it at this point.

    My fantasizing streak has been messed up too. Since the incident that I'm writing about, I've had a lot of difficulty keeping my thoughts clean. I guess it's part of those withdrawals, but it sucks.

    Today, I woke up feeling horrible. Total flatline, fatigue, zero confidence, nothing. It was a hard day. I had a lot of work to do. Got to school and started working, and I focused on a random picture of a girl for a second or two. Nothing pornographic, simply a picture in a journal. All of a sudden, I felt a little better. More confident, little bit more energy. I guess the addiction itch was scratched.

    I decided to say fuck the rules and just look at things and emphasize to myself that everyday pictures, videos, etc. are not pornography. After doing this, I feel alright. But I fear that I feel alright only because I've scratched that porn itch again. I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up in another flatline tomororw. I'm afraid that I'll never recover if I try this approach, and if I do try it, I'll just delay my recovery even more.

    I've got women I want to meet and goals I want to achieve. I'm frustrated because I have nobody to share the journey with, and nobody to help me when times get tough. Half the time I don't even understand why I "relapse" when I do.

    I guess I should mention that I have not masturbated, nor have I willingly viewed pornography during this time. Been clean of masturbation and "real" pornography for just over a year now.

    I hope this made some sense and didn't come off as sounding too crazy. I'm really angry and anxious again. I'm frustrated. I guess it'll get better with time, as it always does. I just want to feel better all the time and be able to live the life that I know is out there waiting for me. I'll be 23 in 3 months and I'm still dealing with these stupid, stupid issues. It's just annoying.

    Don't need to respond, but thanks for listening. I appreciate the Nofap community very much and I think we're all taking a big step in improving ourselves. I commend all of you guys.
     
  2. Low Light

    Low Light Guest

    I really do need to respond .
    If you see a bar of chocolate but don't take it . You'll do one of either . Think about nothing else but that bar which will ruin everything else in your life because it isn't that bar (You'll probably even get back and eat it ) . Or , you'll just let go and try to think about anything else but that bar till eventually you forget it .

    The first case seems to describe you ( both of us ) . Thinking about noFap is basically thinking about fap .Everything is PMO and every problem is PMO . Well it's not . Try to think about something else , anything , it's extremely hard at first but then you get used to it . Whenever you think about PMO , just try everything to shift your thoughts . A song or anything .

    I know it's none of my buisness and I'm sorry but I think you shouldn't really rely on anxiety medics . It's your brain , your thoughts don't control you , you control your thoughts .
     
  3. I know the feeling of being pissed off at everything! It sucks and your mind just makes up petty annoyances so it can take over and get fucked off. The advice I would give you is to know that this is only temporary and if you achieve your goals, this WILL BE THE LAST TIME EVER THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!!

    I hope this helps you Betterman92 :) :)

    Keep looking ahead bro
     
  4. Betterman92

    Betterman92 Fapstronaut

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    I think you may have a point. I do have a habit of obsessing over things (good or bad). It's part of my anxiety issue.

    I guess I'm just nervous because as soon as I stopped paying as much attention to Nofap, I got fucked up. Makes me nervous to lose that anxiety because it's been saving me so far. But I still understand your point, and I think I'll try to include it in my practice now.

    I feel you on the anxiety meds though. It's a complex issue. I've been on either side of the issue before and you can't make heads or tails with it. We just don't understand why these medications work or why some people never feel the same after they quit them. Sure as hell happened to me. My plan currently is to stay on this medication for about two years and then drop it (slowly) and see where that takes me. I see a therapist as well to help with my anxiety issues, so with any luck it'll cease to be an issue eventually.

    It goes both ways.

    And that does help, brother. Makes me feel alright to know that some random guy is rooting for me somewhere. I'm hoping the same for you man.
     
  5. Odd Thomas

    Odd Thomas Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this.

    BM92 you are in a dangerous spot. Sorry, I know that's obvious, but it's my opener.

    I don't mean with the being plagued by carnal thoughts. That's normal. I mean with how hard you're being on yourself.

    You may have heard the acronym HALT (Don't get too Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired) in relation to various self-improvement programs before, most notably 12-step programs. If you interpret even looking at pretty girls or fantasizing as "scratching the porn itch", you're setting yourself up for misery in the short term. Medium term, you're setting yourself up for failure and seriously deep resentment towards 1) yourself 2) "the program". You're laying a foundation that'll help transform what are now merely reservations into giant objections from festering in the repressed corners of your awareness. You're backing yourself into a corner that is very conducive to social isolation in order to avoid triggers, which then becomes its own problem because your heart will crave connection with people so it'll go and talk to your brain, which'll say "Hey! I know what how we can connect with people! Fucking a hot girl!" In the long term, you're potentially setting the stage to give up on this line of self-improvement altogether.

    You can't beat yourself clean. That's because you have to be happy and keep a steady pace to see the greatest and deepest improvement. I can say that from my own experience to some extent, but largely I am parotting my betters. It's not that white-knuckling is useless, but self-imposed white-knuckling will always slow you down and make you miserable. Back off to where your happy place is. Progress, not perfection. You're only 23! Many if not most men go their whole lives without ever realizing that objectifying women is a treacherous river at best and masturbation and fantasizing are two of its main tributaries. So many people, men and women, are so incredibly unhappy thinking "If only I had the perfect partner (who I deserve), my life would be perfect". Then they have a girlfriend and they think, "if only I had a better job..." They waste their entire life chasing goals that are essentially meaningless.

    Reducing your attachment is good! It's worthwhile! It'll dramatically improve your life and your hereafter (don't know if you believe in that but I'm putting it out there)! But if you try to reduce it by punching yourself in the face you're gonna go at a snail's pace and have a joyless life. But if you make it your goal to try going at a snail's pace you can end up going like a rocket (so I'm told. I'm a stubborn perfectionistic masochist)

    Just my two cents and the Wisdom of my betters man! I got nothing else
     
  6. Betterman92

    Betterman92 Fapstronaut

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    Here's my issue:

    Since this started happening to me, I decided to go and look at everyday pictures and videos (not pornographic), and just generally be much looser in my kind of "hear no evil, see no evil" approach.

    Since then, I feel objectively better. I'm not so stressed out, and I still feel "alright" in the sack, although my dick is much smaller.

    But I've lost all motivation. I've gone from dreaming of medical school and trying to make that a reality, to playing guitar in my room for several hours doing sweet fuck all. I'm not exaggerating (that much). I just don't feel it any more. I can't really afford to not be on the ball.

    I don't know man, I don't know. I want to feel good but I want it now. It's been a full year of no-masturbation no pornography. Why am I still ill-motivated and generally lacking mood control? My other method made me feel a little crappy, but there was motivation and power in that crappiness. I never felt 100%, but I was 100% willing to work on myself and improve through various methods. I just had this inner drive that presented itself after a couple of months of my technique.

    Even after one day of just loosening things up, I feel less than 100% and at least a 100% less motivated.

    Everybody doing Nofap says "Don't worry about superpowers (or whatever you want to call them), you could always do what you're doing now! It's always been there".

    I don't think I could disagree more. It's like trying to drive a nail into a board. With this extreme version of Nofap I've got myself on, I have the tools. I can drive the nail into the board and take steps to improve myself.

    Without it (or at least on this less strict mode that I'm on now), I'm trying to slam the nail into the board with my bare hands. You can't do it. You could, but it's 100x harder than it needs to be. I'm trying to do a job without the right tools.

    I don't mean to whine. But I'm really grasping at straws here. I was doing okay, got a girlfriend, looked at a pornographic picture of her and then lost it all. Including her. We broke up a couple of months later because my mood, motivation, and ballsiness just wasn't there anymore. Some people would say what I did was alright, but the results seem to say otherwise.
     
  7. _ithinkican

    _ithinkican Fapstronaut

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    It will get better. Sometimes, its so hard for me to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Sounds like thats what you're going through now. Definitely keep up with your medications and in contact with your Psych - never self medicate. Great that you're seeing a therapist. Is it weekly? I found that going twice a week really allowed me to start getting to the issues at hand - fapping is our outlet, but its the anxiety, over-thinking, neurosis, etc that we all need to figure out. That's what leads to this addiction.
     
  8. Odd Thomas

    Odd Thomas Fapstronaut

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    It's rough sometimes. I don't feel I can help much. I'm not super strong in "sobriety" and the longest streaks I've had have serious hallmarks of dry drunkedness, where I feel like my life is so empty without sex. So I'm not in a great position to help. I do like to try and help, but almost invariably in a setting like this (internet or no) I feel like I'm usually the one getting the most out of my response. But I think as long as I try to listen and keep a good motivation I'm not totally wasting your time.

    Those are my limitations. So with a huge grain of salt, and the risk but NOT intention of sounding condescending, and I promise not to rant:

    There are ups and downs to the process. It is a long term, life-level commitment. There's no level of your mind or life this isn't touching.

    If you think the point is to not watch porn or masturbate, you're missing the point. Underdog has an awesome post on this I think it's called the top three mistakes rebooters make. That's an important part of it to be sure, but if you take it as your bread and butter you're setting yourself up for dry drunkedness and relapse.

    You're probably not used to dealing with the shittiness of life in terribly constructive ways. That takes a really long time. I often feel like a child emotionally. That deep existential depression that often sets in when you feel - even after a LONG commitment - that you're still in the same place, or even a worse place. It's just a feeling. If you're honest with yourself about your long term process, you'll either find its not true at all, or not as true as you thunk it were!

    I promised not to rant! Be happy and take it easy! As happy as you can! Socialize! Being social is going to cause you to fuck up! Because we live in a sick society! Over time it'll get better and you'll gravitate more toward people who are good for you and less towards people who are just sick the same way you are, or people who you just THINK are good for you, or any port in a storm because just fuck the world!!!

    Don't worry, be happy!! I sound like such a total asshole right now even to me, but it's really true!!! Underdog - read!
     

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