D
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I'm not reaching out for help. I just need to get this off my chest.
I'm not going to bore you with my story. That's all you need to know is I'm just like all of you. As far as I see it PMO has ruined my adult life. I'm making 25 cents more than I was at my first job 10 years ago; I've squandered all my opportunities in the last 10 years.
My entire life has been conjured up with two words that start with P; pornography and potential. I always believed that word potential just haunted me, because it just meant that I was capable of so much, but there was just something getting in the way at every turn. That would be the other P in my life, pornography.
I have seriously been trying to quit since the beginning of the year, when it was just a new years revolution (I've been aware and trying to quit since 2015, but I don't see the point in going back that far). I made it 3 weeks (in January) before I relapsed. I have not been the same since then. Porn's claws were sunk into to me way deeper than ever before. I go into great detail in my journal (How Porn Became my Religion).
It has now gotten to the point to where I am in the terrible purgatory state of not enjoying either option. I have not allowed myself to entirely dive back into PMO because I'm terrified to be honest, but I have not been able to successfully stay away from it either. So I have not let myself get to any points of recovery that feel good.
Every time I relapse, it terrifies me because it's never enough. I use to be able to just PMO once every 24 hours. Then I would just browse and edge during most of the day, and so on. Now when I relapse, I PMO once, and want to PMO again maybe 30 minutes later. Nothing matters but PMO at that point.
I can watch porn and PMO all day long and it wont be enough. I put blocking software on my PC last night and made it so the only way I can undo it is factory restore my PC which would take hours. I woke up this morning and tried to figure out a way around the password. I eventually gave up and MO'd.
I am very depressed and anxious right now. I don't feel the natural high that sometimes comes with rebooting in the first few days. I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing excites me except for porn, and that makes me feel like garbage after I orgasm. I am beyond trying to convince myself that it isn't bad, and I can do what I want, etc. Every time I do it, I know it's bad.
I have heard the expression before that trying to quit PMO is like a crack addict trying to quit crack when he/she has a crack pipe always on their body with an endless amount of crack in it. I would take it one step forward and say that it always doesn't harm you in any way physically. Forget the drugs for a second; imagine you could eat your favorite bad food whenever you wanted and it had no physical effect on you.
Before anyone talks about the chemical imbalances chronic porn viewing and PMO occurs in your brain, I am fully aware of that. Just read my journal. I'm just making a point about how unbelievably hard it is to quit PMO, especially if you have been doing it since adolescence.
I can honestly say I don't know what will happen to me. I feel completely helpless and out of control. This isn't a call for help, nor is it a success story. It's just the murmurs of an addict at the end of his rope.
I'm not going to bore you with my story. That's all you need to know is I'm just like all of you. As far as I see it PMO has ruined my adult life. I'm making 25 cents more than I was at my first job 10 years ago; I've squandered all my opportunities in the last 10 years.
My entire life has been conjured up with two words that start with P; pornography and potential. I always believed that word potential just haunted me, because it just meant that I was capable of so much, but there was just something getting in the way at every turn. That would be the other P in my life, pornography.
I have seriously been trying to quit since the beginning of the year, when it was just a new years revolution (I've been aware and trying to quit since 2015, but I don't see the point in going back that far). I made it 3 weeks (in January) before I relapsed. I have not been the same since then. Porn's claws were sunk into to me way deeper than ever before. I go into great detail in my journal (How Porn Became my Religion).
It has now gotten to the point to where I am in the terrible purgatory state of not enjoying either option. I have not allowed myself to entirely dive back into PMO because I'm terrified to be honest, but I have not been able to successfully stay away from it either. So I have not let myself get to any points of recovery that feel good.
Every time I relapse, it terrifies me because it's never enough. I use to be able to just PMO once every 24 hours. Then I would just browse and edge during most of the day, and so on. Now when I relapse, I PMO once, and want to PMO again maybe 30 minutes later. Nothing matters but PMO at that point.
I can watch porn and PMO all day long and it wont be enough. I put blocking software on my PC last night and made it so the only way I can undo it is factory restore my PC which would take hours. I woke up this morning and tried to figure out a way around the password. I eventually gave up and MO'd.
I am very depressed and anxious right now. I don't feel the natural high that sometimes comes with rebooting in the first few days. I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing excites me except for porn, and that makes me feel like garbage after I orgasm. I am beyond trying to convince myself that it isn't bad, and I can do what I want, etc. Every time I do it, I know it's bad.
I have heard the expression before that trying to quit PMO is like a crack addict trying to quit crack when he/she has a crack pipe always on their body with an endless amount of crack in it. I would take it one step forward and say that it always doesn't harm you in any way physically. Forget the drugs for a second; imagine you could eat your favorite bad food whenever you wanted and it had no physical effect on you.
Before anyone talks about the chemical imbalances chronic porn viewing and PMO occurs in your brain, I am fully aware of that. Just read my journal. I'm just making a point about how unbelievably hard it is to quit PMO, especially if you have been doing it since adolescence.
I can honestly say I don't know what will happen to me. I feel completely helpless and out of control. This isn't a call for help, nor is it a success story. It's just the murmurs of an addict at the end of his rope.