Attempt number X

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction Recovery' started by citizenkane, Aug 22, 2018.

  1. citizenkane

    citizenkane New Fapstronaut

    I’ve been fellow struggler and reader for a long time. Posting for the first time. I am 30 years old. PMO has been a problem for me for a long time maybe since 15 years, recent years involving dirtier imagery as time passes by. I first realized the problem about 6 years ago, when I had severe PIED with a partner which really shattered me. I haven’t had a good physical relationship since then. The PIED continued for a long time which made me want to try Nofap.
    Since then I have made many attempts but relapsed, sometimes in a day, sometimes in a week and sometimes in month. There have been some periods in between of heavy PMO during relapse binges.
    I have just relapsed hard this week after a 2 month streak which is my longest and I have achieved it only once before. I was doing fine but I started a European vacation and seeing a lot of beautiful women and having no partner was starting to mess with my head in a depressing way. I relapsed bad and have been going for a week. Started with just adult chats and today I reached explicit images which included all my previous behaviour of pushing it further everytime. I am tired of failing again and again.
    I had started feeling the benefits of the 2 month streak with regards to general mood, sociability and such, but not sure that I had cured the PIED. I feel like I have ripped open the wound and that too violently with the relapse. I hope the damage is not extensive. I am going to try again and I will give it my all. I will start excercising, eat a better diet and live healthier. I will start a clicker, post updates when I find time and reach out for help in weak times like the one I just encountered.
    I want to live a healthy and purposeful life l, achieving all the dreams that I have and also create healthy relationships with people.
    On a side note, I have quit smoking for a year and relapsed for a year. Right now I have a 4 month no smoking streak going strong. I also stopped drinking for a month in May, which doesn’t sound like much but it is, since is a problem for me sometimes. I think there is a hidden strength in me somewhere, which I will find.
    Thank you for hearing me out. It’s my way or the highway this time.
  2. reeldeel

    reeldeel New Fapstronaut

    I can relate to your post. I'm 28, realized I had a problem 5 years ago when I lost my virginity at 23 (most traumatic experience of my life). Been PMO'ing for a good 15 years. I've been struggling and researching on and off for the past 5 years. I have experienced PIED with almost every partner I had. I relied on expensive pills to help me conceal it but it was difficult to say the least. I've made up stories in my head about this being my destiny and blah blah.

    I'm in the process of reinventing myself now. I'm on day 3 and def feeling the urges. I've tried countless times to stop. Best was maybe 2 weeks but usually only a few days. I've dealt with addiction before, video games, cigarettes, alcohol, weed. None of those even come close to how difficult it is for me to avoid PMO.

    Exercise has been great for me. Really boosts the confidence and gets my mind focused on improvement. I'm in talks with setting up a gym partner now (a smokin hot chick actually). Looking forward to it although it does make me nervous. I've been trying cold showers lately too and I kinda like it. Gets me amped up. I've found writing a journal to be helpful, gets all the thoughts outta my head.

    Interesting note about cigarettes, I heard a full blown heroin junkie once say that cigs are more addictive than heroin. If you can beat cigs you can beat pmo!
  3. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

    Addictions often are a symptom of a more general cause. The key is to find and deal with that general cause through therapy, mindfulness, meditation, whatever helps, ...

    My personal root cause was a bad relation with my mother (from childhood on), having a very pessimist view on everything, being (psychologically) bullied as a child, low self-esteem and trying to be in control of everything. Porn allowed me to be in control and escape the reality of life. I had to work on the root causes to allow quitting porn.