Attitudes that will heal a marriage/relationships

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rudramast, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Rudramast

    Rudramast Fapstronaut

    Hello Everyone !

    (sorry for my English. 2nd language here)

    I can lie to my wife. And I’m always sad about it. Last Friday, when I came back from work, I sat in the sofa with her. She asked me where I was about my NoFap challenge. I wasn’t ready to talk about it so I evade it and said I was doing OK. She said: “that’s great” and we went on with it.
    Few hours later I took the remote control and turned off the TV, turned to her, looked at her and said:
    “Darling I have to tell you something. I lied 3 hours ago, I masturbated last Sunday. It was my first fall of 2018. I’m sorry I lied, I wasn’t ready to talk about it, but I knew I had to do it. I’m sorry for my actions, for the pain I’m causing you.”
    I was surprised because she smiled at me: “I’m glad you told me, I felt you were angrier few days ago. I thought maybe it was about your PM addiction. Thank you for telling me this”
    In this story, my wife is being the bigger person in my eyes.

    Sometimes I feel like some women here tend to be disdainful when it comes to their SO hiding the addiction. They think we deliberately want to hurt the other one or be voluntarily selfish or stupid. But none of you ladies can truly understand what we are going through, except if you are battling yourself this addiction. I know you have your own share of suffering, and in no way I want to underestimate the pain you feel.

    You cannot always expect reason in a sick mind battling addiction. There is a reason why some alcoholics die from drinking. They don’t desire to die, but their brain is totally obliterating their capacity to make intelligent decisions.

    Do you know what really helped me since I started NoFap ?
    My wife being amazing and full of love and patience. And also : her capacity to sacrifice herself for the sake of our marriage. Even when she knew I was doing PM, she would still look at me in a kind way and say "I know something is wrong, you might not want to talk about it, but when you'll be ready, be assure of my love and my help".
    This. This helped me to confess it before we married 2 years ago. Because I knew I wouldn't have to do "12 steps in order to regain her love or trust" like I sometimes see some ladies impose on your already depressed and destroyed SO. What helped me is also my wife saying "I can't possibly understand what kind of suffering you are going through, but I trust that you fully want to get rid of it".

    It is far easier to heal when your wife is being a partner, a friend and a companion. A solid shoulder to rest on in this fight than when she is treating you like a child.

    Of course I had to change my habits (use my laptop in the living room, talk to her about my struggles, share my nofap counter, not staying up late after her going to bed) But it came from me, because she made me feel comfortable around her. All the drastic measures i took, came from my initiative or her advises.

    Understand me right, I do not speak for every situation (especially when there is adultery, or domestic violence…). Or when the husband is in no way decided to better his life or marriage.

    (Personal Opinion)
    My wife and I are both Christians, and for me, that helps. Because we know we are both sinner, me fapping or watching porn is wrong or being angry and rude to her, as much as her having hate thoughts or compulsively buying stuff without telling me.
    But when you understand that God forgave so much in your life, you are more inclined to forgive in one another's life.
    "'Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14

    So if your husband is already walking the path of healing and restoring his life, brain and marriage. Please, find the strength to be here as an encouraging partner, whatever the trials and suffering he may have brought in the past.

    Being hard on him, suspicious and demanding will only make him hide it or he will give up when he will fall. Because eventually he will fall. And he needs to know he can be comfortable confessing it to you.

    Now I’m talking to you husbands or male SO, If you are battling PMO addiction: don’t hide it. It is your sins, your addictions, you have to be the one to bring it first. If you want to heal, please, include your wife in the process. She needs to be part of it. She wants to be part of it if she loves you.

    To resume: you might for a period of time have to do all the work in your couple, it’s unfair, but that’s pure love and sacrifice that we need in this situations. In the future the tables might turn, and maybe it’s the other partner who will do all the work. Ideally, we should all take our part of the burden but when it’s not happening, don’t feed resentment and bitterness.

    Again : this does not apply to all situations but it’s a general guide I thought helped
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  2. I think I 90% like your post...maybe 95%. :)

    I totally hear what you are saying .. and as a fellow Christian, I totally get it. But your exhortation to wives .. you and your wife are "lucky" that it has only been 2 years. Imagine a scenario where a couple has been married for 10 years or 20 years (this is me) -- and hidden, secret PM for the whole time.

    It has taken me a while to get to this point (8.5 months since DDay) -- but I truly understand that my wife has every right to leave me. Is that the "most Christian" thing to do / is that really God's will / etc. -- I won't answer that because it doesn't really matter....if I never PM'ed again, my wife would still be justified in divorce'ing me.

    I don't expect you to agree with that...but you aren't in my shoes / her shoes. And as much as we are both Christians, I don't think this is a black and white issue.

    Anyway..I thought your post was great, mostly.
    Jagliana and GG2002 like this.
  3. Sebby83

    Sebby83 Fapstronaut

    Great Post. I admire your courage for telling your wife and keeping her informed of everything you are going thru. I'm new to NoFab, and unlike your wife mine can be really hard sometimes, and I just don't think she will understand. In my case at least for now I'm keeping all this a secret. We've been married for over 10 years and she only caught me in action twice. I can't describe how embarrassing those moments were and how upset she was -(She would start talking about me cheating, divorcing me, calling me wanker, etc; then she would not talk to me for at least a week). My wife is very professionally accomplished so she can easily be on her own. I started having ED issues in the last couple of attempts to have sex with her, and her attitude is not helping much, luckily I was able to perform on my second chance. I will probably share my journey with her once I achieve 60 or 90 days without PMO.
    Thank you!
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Eek :(It is ALWAYS easier to see things from your own point of view . Like you said every story is different but you shouldn’t only pardon a woman for thinking about leaving if there’s domestic violence or abuse . MANY of the wives here have been NEGLECTED for DECADES . That IS abuse . I am VERY supportive of my husband over a year after DDAY . But I would be a fool to go back and be how I was . That innocence in the marriage is gone . HE did do that to US . So I’ll remain suspicious, until , until he has done enough work and fully becomes a changed man which I believe to be happening , but you have to understand MOST of the time a woman is so close to healing then out of nowhere is a relapse . For the woman her healing is obliterated. I think you have a good wife for supporting you . But My SO of 22 years 100% needed /needs tough love for this and to not be let off the hook . Maybe I read your post wrong but it struck a NERVE . Your in a relationship forum where PA and SO frequent, which as an SO sometimes things are said that fire me up and I say nothing but I HAD to lol
  5. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    You're right. That innocence is gone.
    And it'll likely never be the same again.
    As supportive as you can be as an SO it doesn't ease the pain. Believe me when I say, behind every kind word she says, every kind gesture, she's crying on the inside. Because it's painful. It's painful to continue loving someone who has hurt you so deeply.
    Numb, GG2002 and TryingToHeal like this.
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    It struck a nerve here too. All of us SOs are different and deal with it in different ways and while I understand addicts are feeling pain, so are the SOs. But the big difference is the SOs had no choice in the matter while the addict did. Sure I think we all understand what an addicted mind is, but an addict does have the control to seek help. The SO has zero control other then to leave. To say that whether or not an SO responds in a negative way to truth telling is the cause of the PA’s lying is blame shifting. “If she gets mad when I tell the truth I won’t tell the truth anymore, and that’s her fault not mine.” Part of recovery imo is being honest NO MATTER what. Even if she’s mad, even if she’s hurt, even if she loses her mind. Sitting with those feelings and being okay is something an addict needs to learn.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13, Numb and Jennica like this.
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Revealing your PMO sooner rather than later is better. Finding out she’s been lied to for so long is not going to go over easy, so 60 or 90days clean will make little to no difference to her, and it seems like you are just trying to delay telling her. Honestly it may give her a sense of relief as she will have an explanation for all of these issues. I am a professional woman, and I did leave but the reason I left was the lying, the betryal you have to tell her and soon.
  8. Sebby83

    Sebby83 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the feedback and I'm sorry you ended up leaving your partner. Just curious to know did he even try to stop his addiction? How's everything working out for you "Relationships" wise. I know women dream of finding the perfect man, but they don't exist.
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    When we first met he had no idea he has a pmo addiction neither of us did. He said he looked at porn and all guys MO so I never thought of it as an issue. It was only after months of having sex where he had severe DE and sometimes ED that I started to look around and found out about PIED. He agreed it could be an issue and to stop all of it so that we could hopefully have a more normal sex life. I was fully supportive and everytime I would ask he would say he had stopped. But the sex did not get better. It consisted of him moing on me with his eyes shut and if I spoke or moved he wouir not be able to finish. I felt disgusting, unloved unattractive. I wouid cry but he kept saying he was clean. Then on a two week long vacation suddenly he did not have ED and I confronted him and he admitted to lying to me the whol time and the lies continued to trickle out over time. I lost all trust in him and wondered what was the truth ? I questioned everything. I had constant anxiety I felt physically ill, I felt like I was going crazy. I never felt that way before.

    He did seek counseling he went a few times. He did say he quit but he was mad about it. While he could O from foreplay sex was all about him. It was like I was the P now. He ogled every woman in site to the point it was embarrassing and denied it. Anytime I tried to tell him how I felt he got angry and defensive. He shut me down and said I need to just get over this already that was two weeks after. He lied about his phone password, and he was just downright cruel to me. He never acted sorry .

    How’s dating? It’s going quite well. I can say when I ended things it was like a weight had been lifted off me. I did not realize how much he had been dragging me down. And no there is no perfect man. But I would rather live the rest of my life alone then date another pmo addict. On the scale of deal breakers that’s likely my second one, the first being liars. I have dated some jerks before but nothing tops this. I truly think that pmo addicts don’t realize how much their behavior effects women. I would pick a drug addict or alcoholic over a pmo addict. You know why? Pmo hits at a woman’s self esteem like no other addiction can (other than sex addiction). Pmo addiction is just not something the majority of women are willing to accept.

    My ex was not ready. Not ready to be honest or to fully quit. Not sure he ever will be. If a man is and if he had been honest and stopped maybe we could have made it work.
  10. Sebby83

    Sebby83 Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for sharing. You made some strong statements and I have a lot of respect for you. It sounds like although you went thru a lot of pain, you are doing well right now. You're right about women being willing to accept this. But to be honest I don't think our society is well informed about this. I just found out about NoFap and all its benefits last week, and it was by accident because I was looking for possible causes of ED. Every source out there blames it on stress, especially the WebMDs, etc. Now that I know about this I feel like I'm ahead of a lot of guys out there.
    Best of luck to you!!
  11. realcheese

    realcheese Fapstronaut

    Lots of women have no choice other than to stay in these cripplingly abusive relationships because they can not financially sustain themselves and their children, great that your wife was always calm and supportive and patient, the thought of perpetual hunger can drag people to any length.

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