Attitudes that will heal a marriage/relationships

Great Post. I admire your courage for telling your wife and keeping her informed of everything you are going thru. I'm new to NoFab, and unlike your wife mine can be really hard sometimes, and I just don't think she will understand. In my case at least for now I'm keeping all this a secret. We've been married for over 10 years and she only caught me in action twice. I can't describe how embarrassing those moments were and how upset she was -(She would start talking about me cheating, divorcing me, calling me wanker, etc; then she would not talk to me for at least a week). My wife is very professionally accomplished so she can easily be on her own. I started having ED issues in the last couple of attempts to have sex with her, and her attitude is not helping much, luckily I was able to perform on my second chance. I will probably share my journey with her once I achieve 60 or 90 days without PMO.
Thank you!

 

Eek It is ALWAYS easier to see things from your own point of view . Like you said every story is different but you shouldn’t only pardon a woman for thinking about leaving if there’s domestic violence or abuse . MANY of the wives here have been NEGLECTED for DECADES . That IS abuse . I am VERY supportive of my husband over a year after DDAY . But I would be a fool to go back and be how I was . That innocence in the marriage is gone . HE did do that to US . So I’ll remain suspicious, until , until he has done enough work and fully becomes a changed man which I believe to be happening , but you have to understand MOST of the time a woman is so close to healing then out of nowhere is a relapse . For the woman her healing is obliterated. I think you have a good wife for supporting you . But My SO of 22 years 100% needed /needs tough love for this and to not be let off the hook . Maybe I read your post wrong but it struck a NERVE . Your in a relationship forum where PA and SO frequent, which as an SO sometimes things are said that fire me up and I say nothing but I HAD to lol

 

You're right. That innocence is gone.
And it'll likely never be the same again.
As supportive as you can be as an SO it doesn't ease the pain. Believe me when I say, behind every kind word she says, every kind gesture, she's crying on the inside. Because it's painful. It's painful to continue loving someone who has hurt you so deeply.

 

It struck a nerve here too. All of us SOs are different and deal with it in different ways and while I understand addicts are feeling pain, so are the SOs. But the big difference is the SOs had no choice in the matter while the addict did. Sure I think we all understand what an addicted mind is, but an addict does have the control to seek help. The SO has zero control other then to leave. To say that whether or not an SO responds in a negative way to truth telling is the cause of the PA’s lying is blame shifting. “If she gets mad when I tell the truth I won’t tell the truth anymore, and that’s her fault not mine.” Part of recovery imo is being honest NO MATTER what. Even if she’s mad, even if she’s hurt, even if she loses her mind. Sitting with those feelings and being okay is something an addict needs to learn.

 

Revealing your PMO sooner rather than later is better. Finding out she’s been lied to for so long is not going to go over easy, so 60 or 90days clean will make little to no difference to her, and it seems like you are just trying to delay telling her. Honestly it may give her a sense of relief as she will have an explanation for all of these issues. I am a professional woman, and I did leave but the reason I left was the lying, the betryal you have to tell her and soon.

 

Thanks for the feedback and I'm sorry you ended up leaving your partner. Just curious to know did he even try to stop his addiction? How's everything working out for you "Relationships" wise. I know women dream of finding the perfect man, but they don't exist.

 

When we first met he had no idea he has a pmo addiction neither of us did. He said he looked at porn and all guys MO so I never thought of it as an issue. It was only after months of having sex where he had severe DE and sometimes ED that I started to look around and found out about PIED. He agreed it could be an issue and to stop all of it so that we could hopefully have a more normal sex life. I was fully supportive and everytime I would ask he would say he had stopped. But the sex did not get better. It consisted of him moing on me with his eyes shut and if I spoke or moved he wouir not be able to finish. I felt disgusting, unloved unattractive. I wouid cry but he kept saying he was clean. Then on a two week long vacation suddenly he did not have ED and I confronted him and he admitted to lying to me the whol time and the lies continued to trickle out over time. I lost all trust in him and wondered what was the truth ? I questioned everything. I had constant anxiety I felt physically ill, I felt like I was going crazy. I never felt that way before.

He did seek counseling he went a few times. He did say he quit but he was mad about it. While he could O from foreplay sex was all about him. It was like I was the P now. He ogled every woman in site to the point it was embarrassing and denied it. Anytime I tried to tell him how I felt he got angry and defensive. He shut me down and said I need to just get over this already that was two weeks after. He lied about his phone password, and he was just downright cruel to me. He never acted sorry .

How’s dating? It’s going quite well. I can say when I ended things it was like a weight had been lifted off me. I did not realize how much he had been dragging me down. And no there is no perfect man. But I would rather live the rest of my life alone then date another pmo addict. On the scale of deal breakers that’s likely my second one, the first being liars. I have dated some jerks before but nothing tops this. I truly think that pmo addicts don’t realize how much their behavior effects women. I would pick a drug addict or alcoholic over a pmo addict. You know why? Pmo hits at a woman’s self esteem like no other addiction can (other than sex addiction). Pmo addiction is just not something the majority of women are willing to accept.

My ex was not ready. Not ready to be honest or to fully quit. Not sure he ever will be. If a man is and if he had been honest and stopped maybe we could have made it work.

 

Thank you so much for sharing. You made some strong statements and I have a lot of respect for you. It sounds like although you went thru a lot of pain, you are doing well right now. You're right about women being willing to accept this. But to be honest I don't think our society is well informed about this. I just found out about NoFap and all its benefits last week, and it was by accident because I was looking for possible causes of ED. Every source out there blames it on stress, especially the WebMDs, etc. Now that I know about this I feel like I'm ahead of a lot of guys out there.
Best of luck to you!!

 

Lots of women have no choice other than to stay in these cripplingly abusive relationships because they can not financially sustain themselves and their children, great that your wife was always calm and supportive and patient, the thought of perpetual hunger can drag people to any length.