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Attracted to Married Woman

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. Hello, this is an issue for me that has been around for a long time now, and I would like some insight/guidance. I have a colleague at work who I am attracted to. Rather, it is more than attraction, it is an actual "relationship" of sorts. I have heard of the term "work wife", and that probably fits. Let me describe. I work as a case manager/social worker. She works as a probation/parole officer, and we share the same caseload within our particular program. We are essentially "partners" working on the cases that we have. Think "Mulder and Scully" from X-Files. We have had this partnership for almost 8 years. As someone who has never dated, this is the best/longest relationship with a woman I have had in my life. Of course the problem is that she is married with kids. She is a little older than me. Our communication is such that we can (literally) finish each other's sentences and know what each other is thinking without saying anything. We have shared the ups and downs of our job, the bizarre cases that we get, the good times and bad times. We solve problems together. It was like this from Day One. I think about her a lot. I am attracted to her personality and intellect. Did I mention she is a blonde bombshell? A MILF? And when I say all of this, I think that if one day we were to part, she would be the one to take it harder than me. She is the needier one in the relationship. Even though I have sucked with women in my life, she has actually seen me at my best. Neither of us has EVER done anything to break the tension, and as a result it is always there, omnipresent. I have screwed up relationships in the past with women at work because I have done stupid things to break the tension, make a fool of myself, etc. I have not been willing to take a similar risk with this relationship because it is too important to my career. I will not be a home-wrecker. I will not ever be the one to break the tension. The ball is always in her court as far as I am concerned.
    I have been putting a lot of effort in to self-improvement over the last several months. I have become more confident, more physically attractive, better with women in general (slowly). A side effect of this is that I know that it also makes me more attractive to her, and I am starting to sense it. I would be lying if I said I don't like this. At the same time, I know it's wrong. And also impossible.
    It's a situation where I have to work with her. And the more I try to avoid her, pull away, the needier she is.
    This is partly a huge part of my motivation to start actually dating available women, as I see that as a way that I can extricate myself from this situation gracefully.

    What do people think about all this? Aside from bringing it up with my therapist a few weeks ago, I have never talked about this to anyone
     
  2. Light of Freyja

    Light of Freyja Fapstronaut

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    Personally, loyalty is something I hold in very high regard. Does she have children? Would you cheat with her and let her deal with the consequences alone?

    I think if you're willing to face the risks together rather than merely exploiting her then it is up to you. Just remember the costs can outweigh the pleasure.
     
    horny nerd, wiilwaal, Nugget9 and 4 others like this.
  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    She's most likely just bored being a mother and a wife. She's just being playful and adding some excitement into her life, but at the end of the day she goes home to them. So she's pretty much just using you and you're allowing it. That statement makes her sound bad, but a lot of people are flirtatious and playful with other people that they know nothing will come of it. It's not really a question of loyalty. It's just something people do to get through the long stretches of mundane and routine life. You're the only one holding yourself back from focusing your attention on a real relationship with available women. Women who would go home to you rather than focusing on a woman who goes home to her husband and children after you've satisfied her need for excitement or variety to spice up her life.

    I mutually flirt with women who are taken all the time. It's a silent understanding that nothing will come of it. So we play our fun little game and then we move on. The problems arise when you become attached and dwell on it. Nobody is perfect. People have thoughts and behaviors of things they know they shouldn't be doing all the time, but then reality sets in and they realize that it's not worth taking it any further.
     
  4. Hi Freyja and Elevate, thanks. I agree Freyja. I would not want her to cheat with me, because that would be an indication of disloyalty. She does have children. I would never have a physical relationship with her, as long as she is married.

    Elevate, I have thought about that scenario too, about her being bored with her home life or something. It's probably true.

    I would add that we never flirt or tease each other and have never physically touched each other. I worry that those kind of things would be the spark that would set off a conflagration (or maybe I'm being dramatic :rolleyes:). I don't think I'm in the "friend-zone" because we don't ever talk about our personal lives. We only ever talk about work-related topics. However it's not what we talk about, it's how we talk about it. We also have each other's personal phone numbers.

    I have thought about how my life-long lack of dating has contributed to this predicament. If I would have started dating when I was younger, learned how to do it, then maybe I wouldn't be having this issue, because I would have had my own person to go home to. So, yeah, it's been a major motivation for me to start getting out there

    I would also add that my relationship with her has taught me some things about how to actually maintain a relationship with a woman, how to communicate, etc. So I do see those things as a benefit for any future relationships
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2018
  5. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    It's never too late to start. It always sucks when you have to start late, but it would suck even more if you didn't start at all.

    As for your relationship with this woman... Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't think negatively of yourself or her. As long as you have your current boundaries with her, I don't see the harm in her being your "work wife". Have fun with it. I'm sure she has no intention of ruining her family life and you don't have any intention of taking things beyond a certain point. So be grateful for the relationship that you two have. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You don't even need to avoid it.
     
  6. Yeah thank you. I am grateful for it. It is a very bright spot in what can be a very dark job that we have. It feels good to get all this off my chest. :emoji_peace:
     
  7. Hi, bro! I have been in the same condition from last 5 years. There is a great understandind and bonding between both of us. I can say deeply love. Although she has 2 kids live with husband. I was totally addicted to her but now i am trying to make a distance for the best of our life. You know this is only infatutaion or can say phyisical attraction. It is just wortless. Think of future , will you accept things that occur after knowing this relationship by the people? Think of her kid's future? Be transparent, secret brings sorrow and no one wanna brings sorrow in own's life. I loathe sorrow. Be the best of you..
     
  8. You’ve not the only one.

    I tried typing out several things a few times but can’t come up with anything that stays brief. So much I’d love to share with my experiences. I’ve learned a lot of positive things about women and being friends with them.

    (Wish they’d translate to relationships with the single women but I swear single women are totally different animals than a solid confident married woman.)

    I’ll just say I’ve enjoyed interacting with married woman at work for many years. I’ve always kept my mind, words, and actions proper. And by staying proper I’ve ended up with years long constructive friendships with not only the women but several times with their husbands as well.

    I think these kinds of friendships can go well if we don’t get into a selfish mindset of wanting the woman for ourselves. She belongs to another and we need to always remember that.

    One lady in particular at work has been a great friend. She has a wonderful husband and I’ve become friends with him too. I went to Boston with this husband as his nephew one year and we had a great time. I’ve been over to their house many times for meals and socializing. It’s been great. Imagine how that would be if I had been selfish and tried to have this woman for myself? She’d get me fired or have her husband come around and kick my ass!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2018
  9. Thanks Hope. Yeah I think it's a good point to remember her husband in all of this, even though I don't know the guy at all, but she's his.
     
  10. I think you have a level-headed assesment of the situation. And I would agree with your solution: don't rock the boat.

    The only thing I see as a potential problem here is if you keep seeing her as some kind of 'lost soulmate' because you two are so in tuned. I think this does harm to you because this line of thinking is so limiting. You're saying to yourself in a roundabout way that no other girl will match up to this one when you haven't even given yourself a chance with other more available women. Keep on doing what you're doing and try not to take this woman so seriously. Work on seeing her as a 'good friend' colleague rather than a potential lover.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2018
  11. Hi Robby, yes you are absolutely right! I do worry that she makes other girls less appealing to me
     
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  12. And since she's married, it makes her kind of a safe target for your infatuation right? Its a forbidden fruit fantasy that keeps you from stepping out with a more available woman.

    Keep working on yourself and putting yourself out there. Bravery has its rewards (I met mine a year ago). It may take some time, but the reality is better than playing fantasy.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2018
  13. I haven't thought about this in quite a few years. In my last job I worked in a company with about 12 ladies. I felt sexual tension with a few of them when we interested.It may have been on my part only. I was married at the time but I don't think that would have deterred me if one of them made a move on me.
    This seems to be a common problem when men and women work together. I guess the old saying " don't shit where you eat" is something to keep in mind.
     
  14. Hi Jerry, haha yes that is a very appropriate saying!
     
  15. barrypower

    barrypower Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your struggle. It sounds tough. I'm still having difficulty understanding how she is indicating that she's needy. Maybe this is difficult to do through writing, but how is she talking that indicates she's needy? If it's you aren't touching each other or content, is it body language?
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. Hi Barry. I think what I mean is that sometimes it seems like she finds work-related "excuses" to talk to me, whether it's on the phone, by email, or in person. Sometimes it's her making a bigger problem than necessary out of some issue, so then we have to "work it out". She just likes my attention. Whereas for me, if we went weeks or even months without talking, I would be perfectly fine. I mainly get these infatuation feelings for her after she's contacted me, but then they wear off. I find myself having to "feed" her regular doses of attention, just to maintain the relationship, whereas this is not necessary for other colleagues. I would add that lately, yes I am noticing some little changes in her body language as well, which is partly why I'm growing more concerned
     
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  17. barrypower

    barrypower Fapstronaut

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    @SuperFurryThing, I'm sure she's hot AF and way out of my league. This type of woman wouldn't want anything to do with me.

    I don't know the entire situation and I haven't lived a day in her life. But from what I'm reading, I don't respect this type of person at all.

    It's selfish of her to play with your emotions because she wants attention. Maybe that's not her intention, but that's the outcome. She can't have the benefits of her married life and get attention from you at the same time. Can't have it both ways.

    I wouldn't have the restraint that you have.
     
  18. I really appreciate your perspective on this! As I said I've never talked with anyone about this relationship in 8 years, so it's great to finally get feedback!

    She is "hot AF", think "MILF next door type", and out of my league too but because we're forced to work together, and she has seen me at my best, it's different than usual

    I have thought about starting to "be mean" or "be more of a jerk" to her, or "disagree" with her more. I indirectly called her a bitch the other day, which was a first for me with saying that kind of thing to her. To knock her off the pedestal, which is why I really appreciate your perspective. I also worry that paradoxically that will make her more attracted to me

    Yes it would seem that she needs to make a decision. Either stick to her husband and leave me alone, or, and I hate to say this, leave the husband. Which is why maybe I need to "test" her more, to help her along with making the decision. Of course it would be a very bad idea to do this directly, so I'll have to do it indirectly. We do have in-person meetings planned this week and next, so we'll see how these go

    Barry, when you say that you wouldn't have the restraint that I have, what do you mean?
     
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  19. Wow! This sounds a bit more serious than I realized. Proceed with extreme caution my friend. Just remember, she grew tired of her husband, she can grow tired of you as well.
     
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  20. barrypower

    barrypower Fapstronaut

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    Sure thing @SuperFurryThing.

    The guy that I hate most is the guy that says stuff like
    "Bro... if I were you I would do ABC" or
    "I could so easily do MMA... I'm way tougher than those UFC guys."
    I want to acknowledge that before answering your question.
    Based on what we know, I would call her out on this. I wouldn't place blame, but phrase it in terms of
    "I'm starting to get attracted to you and this is not healthy for my job." I might even say something like
    "If you weren't married, I would have asked you for a date."

    I understand that some women like nuance. But when it comes to the workplace, you have to be explicit.

    I would even go as far as requesting to work on different cases to distance yourself from her. This might not be possible given your workplace.


    Here's the "bad" version of how I would lack restraint.

    I'm ashamed to say this, but knowing me, if she was flirting like this, I would flirt back. I would even escalate it by "accidentally" touching or bumping into her to show her that "this is real". Maybe that will be enough for her to come to her senses and back off.

    From your account, it seems like she would like this and might escalate even further. I would only do this if I was willing to go through with this to the end and commit adultery.
     
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