Attracted to young boys since 12y/o

I'm 24 right now, came in contact with gay P at 7, and when I was 12, I met my boy crush.
He was short, white, thin, girly, I bullied him, I beat him up, I tried to touch him constantly, I wanted to kiss him, I only looked at girls that looked like him. I got addicted to shotacon/boy P at 15, and it's been my main thing ever since then.

 

Unless I act out on it, I can't go to jail, it's drawn after all, I am trying to focus more on my training, but the urges are still there

 

Of course I know it's a problem man, that's why I'm trying my hardest to fix it

 

You're not gay. Trust me. Most men are not.

All it takes is thinking about a man hugging me from behind to send shivers down my spine and having me cringing for a solid minute. Sometimes I feel sorrow about all the dudes I've abused all in the name of my own carnal pleasure. If it is not penis in vagina sex its destruction of the body. Sry but that's the truth.

It's not worth it. You can have a great friendship with someone who is a feminine guy. But they need to be of age. And not gay.
U have to confront that little boy inside of you and grow up. Get on your knees and cry out to God before this thing destroys your life. It's not worth it.

Btw had to edit I came into contact with gay porn at 6. Same thing as u man. Same thing. U can't live ur life like that. I want u to be okay. I want u to be okay so bad. I am okay now. I spent a year searching my soul back in 2018. I feel content. Happy. I have natural desires. I'm back here cause my brain tricked me into thinking pmo to women was okay. Wrong. Pornography and sexual deviance is a demon. U will fight it. We will fight it. We will die fighting it. But we will have the last laugh

 

First of all, thank you for your help, gyms started operating the 29th, so trying to get back into fighting shape. I have struggled with homosexual thoughts, but I still am going.

I've done spiritual search these past days, I can definitely say I want/need love, I don't have close family/friend connections after all. So maybe shota is what I used as a replacement for the love I lack. Your message was incredibly accurate, I don't know what to say.

I don't see why I shouldn't, it's healthy and safe to have a faith, I don't have a spiritual life (which I need)

 

Seek a professional clinical therapist or similar group therapy. Don't feel shame and anger at yourself as those feelings are uncontrollable and you know you want to change. If anything you should feel proud of yourself that you haven't committed any crimes against an innocent person with the burden you carry. I would recommend watching the Louis Theroux episode called 'A place for pedophiles'

 

Your mindset should be "Hey, this is me and its not what I want to be but it is what it is and I'm gonna do what I can to change."
But also if you fantasise about things without trying to shame yourself I think this is healthier than suppressing everything because one day, God forbid it could be too much for you and you act on your impulses.
My bad comparison - Let a guy act things out on GTA and he won't feel the urge to do it in real life.

 

I'll watch it, the title seems very strong though.

I redirect it towards training, I'm a professional boxer, but I find that some energy I can't let out, the one that goes into PMO/Shota.

 

You guys are really encouraging him, eh? Crazy. This shit really is nuts, huh.
@AddBis I didn't "condemn homosexuality." I swear people to love to fling around that word like a spiked bat.
First of all, his affinity for young boys is no longer homosexuality. At this point, he's grown, it's borderline pedophilia. But what he is NOT is a homosexual nor a pedophile.

Y'all wanna make those into identities and brand people with it so bad. "If you feel a certain type of way about other dudes you're gay!!!" Like shut the fuck up. You ppl sound like highschool bullies. I'll tell you why many (if not most) men with same sex attraction inwardly suffer still, even though they have all the laws and protections and marriages they need? It's because their understanding of who they are is fucked up. It's not because of "homophobia," that's secondary. It's because everyone around them, including themselves, including the people for them and against them are telling them- "THIS IS WHO YOU ARE, LIVE WITH IT." Is that how you guys push acceptance? By shutting out every other possibility of who or what a person can be? Human beings are malleable. The things that we don't like about ourselves we can change. It is the foundation of hope. To tell someone they are incapable of change- that they will be in poverty forever, a sweatshop worker forever, a criminal forever, a porn addict forever, a sexual assault victim forever, a pedophile forever, a homosexual forever- AND YOU. CANT. CHANGE. THAT.... I dont care if that ends with "and you're going to hell" or "I will always support you"— THAT is true condemnation.

Your actions DO NOT have to define you @Mr. Diesel and if you find yourself still obsessing over that childhood crush, I'm going to put it to you very bluntly- you have a problem.
It's not that little boy from way back when that's making you feel this way— it's you from way back when that's making you feel this way.
Your actions DO NOT have to define you. These identity-obsessed freaks will promise you freedom and I'm telling you it is nothing but condemnation wrapped in the guise of pleasure. "Because you feel/do/say/walk like/talk like: X — you are gay, you are a pedo; just accept who you are."
The same rhetoric as elementary school bullies but they're just masked as your friends.
You dont have to be anything they say you are. Laugh in their face and know that you CAN walk away from these temptations. It is so difficult, and you might have to walk it out every day for two years straight like I did. And you will fall, but with every step, it will get farther and farther away in your rearview mirror, until it's only a speck, and then- a memory.
But the true fulfillment is knowing that YOU are BIGGER than your body, and it is one thing those who find false peace in real condemnation will never know.

 

I'm not sure about the legality of it, I live in Thailand and buy the manga from Japan, but still, there comes a strong sense of shame regardless of legality.

The part about identity, I don't have much to say, it's very true, but backed by homophobia.
About the second part, yes, I agree in everything.
I am trying to forget about him, because I know I feel frustrated about the way I treated him, that he never felt the same as I, that my obsession with him turned to shotacon, not being able to feel love, etc. I am trying to accept that the struggle might not ever end, but it's becoming harder and harder, no matter how difficult, I won't stop grinding.

 

I do, I feel like I'm distancing from people, I have been alone most of the quarantine. I can like people, but not love them