Autistic Man's Story For NoFap

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Deleted Account, Jul 22, 2020.

  1. [Introduction]


    I'm a 19 year old man and I've been suffering from PMO for seven years. I wouldn't say it's destroyed my life entirely but it has made me suffer greatly in terms of self-esteem and confidence. Porn addict, Internet addict, also terribly drained and self-hating. I did have motivation before COVID-19 but I've felt awful the entire time. I'm also autistic too (please don't think that's an excuse or a reason to treat me any different) which has its challenges. I spent 17 years of my life in my room and these past two years sorting myself.

    Those insecurities have always been there and are the reason why I'm a porn addict. I know this. To put it into context: I have height insecurities; I'm futile in sexual/romantic aspects; quoted as the 'most feminine man I know' from a significant friend (which destroyed my confidence too but I can't bring myself to tell them); stress-head, the whole nine yards. I have a long history of being bullied. I was bullied in high school for years, to the point where I obsessed over studying to prove myself as better as everyone else.

    Never in my life have I felt like a man; if anything, I feel like a manchild. It infuriates me and shames me greatly.

    Life has had its ups and downs. There have been times I didn't feel good enough to help, strong enough to stand up to others, smart enough to figure problems out and realise my goals. We all have those situations; I know that, and I'm not even 20. I know nothing. I just want to do something and make my place in the world, not have it made for me.

    These past two years have been hard. I started becoming motivated out of guilt when I lost my grandmother, which was just after I failed my exams for the year. I've made friends. I did volunteering work. I did extracurricular activities and even got into boxing as well. I'm starting to be more involved with my family too. I was looking for work and my grades were becoming good enough for my dream university.

    COVID-19 took that dream and ripped it into shreds.

    I lost a relative from cancer.

    I even had to fight someone to protect others from harm.

    Life can kick you down so many times before you stand up to it. I'm tired of going on porn, I'm tired of feeling like crap, I want and need to start training again so if there's ever another time where I have to protect someone from harm I know I will be there to help. I want to be the uncle, son, and brother my family deserves.

    I'm angry at life for taking all of my efforts, my work, my determination and stamping it into the ground and laughing at me. I worked like hell to go from doing absolutely nothing with my life to almost sorting my life out. But I'm angry at myself because I could have done more if I had the will to do this back then.

    I've been taking my time and facing my responsibilities: when there are things to be done, I will try to do them. Sometimes I don't because I get too lazy and apathetic; sometimes it works out. I'm always there if my help is needed. It's been a slow process, though, sleep doesn't come easy and my tinnitus is a joy to have.

    I apologise for rambling about all of this at once. It's been a rough night; that doesn't excuse this but I wanted to explain my situation and why this is important to me in the first place. I write in this way to help organise my thoughts and feelings.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. I really relate to the shit you've gone through man. This rona has kicked everyone in the pants who had any type of goal. For me I'm glad because it mixed things up and I know I'm going to come out of it with more focus and explode onto the scene. I know you're gonna do the same.
  3. Hey kingsmoke welcome to NoFap brother. I believe this is the best thing you can do for yourself. You're still a young man with a whole life ahead of you. I think NoFap is the first step to a great life. I think you're serious about beating this addiction and I can sense you have determination and drive in you. It will take time and patience and you may slip and fall but the key is to keep moving forward. I wish you all the best in this journey of recovery and much strength and focus. I believe one day you'll have the confidence you've always wanted. All my best.
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2020
  4. Entry 2

    Hi, thanks for all of your replies. What Johnthesavage said about getting into focus after the pandemic along with Breakthrough23's advice over determination and endurance had helped develop my understanding of things. I greatly appreciate what you've said. I'd also like to thank One Eyed Owl for the welcome, too.

    My life has been a bit of a struggle but I am starting to train and take care of myself again, at least minimally. I have had some bad days but although it's been hard, I have been pushing myself to at least do something. It's still hard to sleep and get out of bed but I do manage it, eventually.

    As for PMO, no luck so far. It's definitely harder than I thought it would be (I should've expected that, in hindsight) but I am starting to recognise the thought patterns in my head in terms of how negative and self-hating they are. I'm probably going around this on a different path but I'm focusing on why I fall for PMO so easily to help myself out of this mess.

    It's to do with my guilt over not being a better friend, brother, uncle, etc. Ever since I had that fight to protect others I've been thinking about training and getting into self-defense. I did go to boxing for fitness but that club has shut down permanently due to the pandemic, so I guess I'll go somewhere else. Breaking my comfort zone is a short price for becoming competent; who knows, I could get into another situation like that again. I don't want to take chances.

    I have started to be a bit more involved with everyone even if I sleep in too much.

    What has also been strange is the fact that ever since this pandemic happened; I just don't want romance or any of that hormonal crap. It's to do with the fact I don't love myself; after all, I can't love someone else in that way if I can't love myself. I don't want to put someone through that pain. I don't need that in my life right now. I'm not going on a tirade over how romance is terrible and people suck; that's not true, it just needs to be carefully handled. I'd like to imagine (and I'm sorry if this sounds weird and I don't blame you if it does) it to be like taking care of plants. They need a lot of care, attention, and love but you shouldn't dedicate your entire life to it neither should you become merely a plant-carer.

    I'm also going back into volunteering (when it's as safe as can be and the COVID-19 pandemic has stabilised a little more; late-August early September?) which will give me a sense of normality, albeit not much. I have also been looking for work in the future, looking for a part-time job, but my laziness makes it hard to do it sometimes. I have put in some hours but not enough. I'll amend that issue.

    I need to get into meditating again, too.

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