Baby Steps to a better life !! ( A journal )

just in three weeks, the intensity of urges has been increased majorly.

Since morning i have been hit with, 3 to 4 extremely major urges, like install vpn right now and start Fapping kind of urges.

Very Intense Urges today, with pictures in my head and high speed internet available, it's hard to control.

I need to tell myself,

I am not doing it to prove anything to anyone, I am doing it so that i can achieve good in my life, I am doing it so that i can be successful as a person, by doing this i am adding discipline into my life, pretty soon i will be starting workout routine, I am Meditating every night just because of the will power i get from Not Fapping, I know i can do it all even when Masturbating and watching porn, but to tell you the truth my friend "We Cannot", after masturbation, the determination and the discipline factor is eliminated from our life, which make us a loser. i am doing so good and i don't wanna stop it. this month has been so good and productive, i think it's the most productive i have ever been, the month is about to end and i can't wait to see the things i have achieved in August 2020.

So for our own good, and a good future,

We Need To Push.

Thank you.

 

day 24 about to complete,

I had a very difficult day today, urge wise, I had almost given up all of my progress because the urges were just too strong for me to handle, I had never experienced this kind of battle within myself,

I don't know, but i think because of the fight i had on Saturday, I was not focused and i was confused about my goals, it doesn't feel the same now, I hope I somehow get back the feeling and motivation I had in the beginning... Even thought the road is rough i am still not going to go offtrack because i gatta break the circle, every time it's the same story i stop watching porn for some time and then i get back to it, this time i have to break the circle because only then i'll be free.

Benefits up until now :

1. Healthy hairs
2. Healthy face
3. Looking young
4. free mind
5. productive than before
6. growing towards my goals
7. doesn't have any hidden personalities
8. more time available
9. Physically more powerful
10. saving the energy to use within the body.

We can do it.

If it was easy, everyone else would have done it, but it's not. So we just have to fight and win.

We are elite warrior and we can do it.

 

Thank you very Much @Francis Lincoln, I appreciate you being here and i Hope you achieve your goals.

Thanks buddy, thanks a lot, I'm not gonna give up but i do have a bad news.

Anyways, I am very proud of you that you have taken steps to make your life better and that's probably half of the work, rest is to Commit and Walk down the road, Best of Luck.

Thank you for being here.

 

I know, it kills every other nerve inside us and makes us emotionless and shuts us down from everyday joy that we could get otherwise.

Thank you for being here @Mo1989

 

Coming back to my journal :




I fucked Up,

I was consistently good for 24 days but last night, i gave up...i was having really massive urges from 2-3 days, and i was having a really hard time.

I think the reason this happened is that i fought with my mom on 22Aug and she started crying, because of that I was really upset and kinda heartbroken, I told myself i am not a good person, because of those emotion covering up this emotions of NoFap my discipline and determination broke and i fell. (I would like to tell you guys i have a L O T of patience and i don't just scream at someone for taking a cookie from my plate, My mom was making very stupid arguments and i just lost it.)

Anyways, this is how i relapsed,
The whole day i was having urges, MASSIVE, since morning but i was doing what i had done throughout my streak and ignoring them, i was determined towards my work, but they were very rapid and extremely intense, i never felt these kind of urges before, not even before NoFap.

During day time it was already hard to control and stay disciplined, At night i thought i will handle it, i was very positive but i had a lot of energy built up inside me and i had no idea what to do with, i was meditating and i remember my thoughts were extremely unstable and was Sexually aroused and charged up to the top.

I tried to go to sleep but i couldn't, the thoughts were nonstop. I was like a puppy barking at a dinosaur.


What i did,
Launched the website and started browsing, My session lasted for (I fought for 2-3 hours) 10 minutes i think, I ruined a t-shirt after that...

Whats Happening now,
I think they call it the chaser effect, I wanna watch more, i don't wanna reset my counter and i don't really know what else,

Worst part is, I enjoyed it.
Don't no what's gonna happen now, will be resetting my counter in a while(I hate that). I'll see what happens now, even i'm not sure. Will be giving myself a break from NoFap for today atleast and get my thoughts straight.

######################################################################

One thing i am very sure of is, I have seen what we can get by adding Discipline to our life, this was my first relapse, although i wanted my NoFap journey to be relapse free, i hate that i couldn't accomplish it and now that i have seen what i have in my life if i keep walking down this road, I will not give up and i will definitely fight back.

Thank you very much if you somehow managed to read this,
I respect everyone who is reading my journal.

 

Thank you @Jackie31@

 

Here's what i'm gonna do now,

Okay, i needed to breath(This fuckin' pandemic, i was in this house for a long time.) so i went outside and sat down in quiet, and started processing my thoughts, i calculated what i had done and organised everything...

I realised that even though i slipped, I had come a long way... i watched porn for 10 minutes last night (and ten minutes this morning *Cough*, yeah i know - i'm sorry - i'm working on it.) I also controlled myself for 24 days, and those 24 days were probably the best days of my life, i was productive as hell, and my routines were coming together, and i have also come a long way towards my goals.

I just(I mean when i was outside) uninstalled The VPN, I am processing what i have done, I will restart my Journey from day 0 but not yet, right now i'll just get rid of my day counter and take an off day (today) because during chaser effect i will have 90% chance of failing again and i don't wanna do that.

I'll handle this chaser effect today.

Thank very much for being here and supporting me.
Have a Good Day,

 

Yeah, tell me bout' it.

HeHe, I hope you guys are okay !!

I remember my emotions were off the roof, during that time. I could fight with a wall if i got the chance.

Thanks Man, Will definitely take a look,

 

and we Begin Again,

Just set my day counter to zero(*While Crying*)... Good times pass so quick, Seems like it was yesterday when i first came to NoFap,

Even though i relapsed, here's what i still have :
1) My hairs and skin are still healthy.
2) My genitals still are healthy, so much healthier than before, and just yesterday i realised sensitivity has increased a lot.
3) I realised it is true, Porn does fucks up our brain. It's a fact, I was comparably less productive today.
4) I found my breaking point (24 days), all it need to find now is how to remove that variable from the equation.
5) I now have experience of what to expect.
6) I have built some good habits during my streak and they are still with me, just because i relapsed doesn't mean my habits are gone.

In my view, relapsing is just an event...we don't lose the things we have gained overtime just because of that one event, it's true that our willpower gets quiet a lot of negative impact and we feel severe emotional pain because we realised what we were hoping was actually harder than expected and we couldn't handle it, but there are positive sides too. that one event cannot simply destroy the hard-work you have done for so many days.

How i see it is, let's say you stay determined and disciplined for 25 days, now if you relapse for 1 day, it doesn't make much of a difference, but if you stay that way for 25 days, then all your progress is lost. Thats why i think it is best to recover the damage as soon as possible.

Day wise :
I had very good meals today, dairy - vegetables - protein, all that good stuff, so that i could recover the energy lost because of Masturbation, Also i had plenty of water throughout the day, to hydrate myself. I am going to keep the Meditation routine active and i will be adding a workout plan very soon into my routines.

Here We Go Guys, Wish me luck,
Thank you,

 

Day zero: Minor Urges, nothing new.

I feel good though, i woke up with an active mindset and finished my morning routine very effectively.
I do feel slight brain fog, but i know it will disappear overtime,

Have a great day,
Thank you

 

mid-day report,

Day zero, minor to one moderate urges today, it was not stressful just some breezes flowing towards me, observed them and let them pass.

Started my 90 Day Hard Mode Challenge again, I'm not gonna give up.

 

What a long day,

So my trainer just yesterday gave us two massive assignments which we had to submit today. Man i was so busy, Finished them and delivered them freshly packed.

Anyways,

Things are good, relapse was a speed bump but i think i am railing back on track,
Feels good to have a purpose in life, without them a person simply shutsDown, which i have seen many examples of,



Waiting to catchUp with my previous streak.

Everything is good, No urges at all today, maybe a minor one, I don't even remember, I was busy.

Thank you very much, for being here.
Wish you luck.

 

People O' People,

The job that i love so dearly, has me sitting in front of a computer whole day, my eyes might be getting affected a lot and i don't know what to do, i searched youtube for tips on keeping your eyes healthy during this kind of work, but still i think it is very unhealthy, don't know how i'm gonna manage it,

The job on the other hand i love, I am learning so much and growing everyday, I will try eating more healthy from now and specially things that are good for eyes maybe that will handle it and if it does not, we might need to search for a new job. (I'm thinking something related to travelling, maybe a tour guide/food blogger or something, open for suggestions!)

Plus, i hate that everything else in my life also revolves around LCD screens, I mean, NoFap, Entertainment, organising - Everything. After sitting in front of a screen whole day, it's really hard to wanna do something else on it.

Will see where life takes me.

Ohh yeah one more thing, why in the world is that counter turning so slow, I think i should find a hack to make it slightly tune more towards our preference, I'm a computer engineer after all, *Cough*

 

feels like i'm back, the effects of relapse are vanishing, I don't feel super powerful though, but i feel good today, feels healthy.

Also, One negative impact of relapse, WillPower is down lately.. Don't know why. Damn sure it's because of the relapse. I hope it increases soon, Not gonna meditate today...Very tired and sleepy.

Good news is, I started "Headstart meditation" (which you should definitely try by the way) and currently i'm at take 20 series, feels proud in myself...in layman terms, I have completed 25 to 26 days of meditation.

Day 4 about to END.
No Urges at all today.

 

Okay, Here's what i think !

I love my job, But sometimes it's too much for me and that freaks me out, I feel that i am not doing anything else and time is flying... So, to tackle that i have planned to join dance classes, don't know if it's gonna work but i think it will be very fun and social. Maybe i'll try after getting my first salary, AHHH, can't wait to see that cheque...My career's first salary.

So far So good, Will be focused on an assignment given by our trainer today, and if a complete it before evening, I might go for a bike ride, F-aaaaa-R Away from home. will see !

Urge wise, I had a dream that i broke my streak again, don't know why that keeps happening, Everytime i wake up freaked out and look down there to find that everything's fine.

5th Day, Let's knock this Fap Habit out of the stadium.