Baby Steps to a better life !! ( A journal )

WENT FOR A BIKE RIDE,

Today was probably the best day in a while now, At first i was very iffy about it, I was like let's just lie down and watch a movie or something, but i know i will be working whole week and i wanted to use this time for something good, i had no idea where to go what to do, but i still took my bike out and fired her up, "Ahh her sound is so peaceful" and just left the house,

I was wandering and remembered a place i wanted to go forEver but never got the time, it started raining and i thought i should head back home, but then suddenly i thought "Fuck it, Let's go, It's just rain", turns out it was just minor showers and nothing much, after that i ended up on a one and half hour ride away from home, with an amazing weather.

There's this river, Which was sooo beautiful the view was just amazing, AWESOME. i wish you guys could see it. I have pictures but i'm not gonna post them because of privacy reasons. I am so glad i left home today.

Have a good night guys,
Wish you well.

 

Hello future stars,

You know, it's not the same after a relapse, when i started first time, it was different, now it feels nothing - It's like i'm not doing anything, before i was experiencing something new with my body every day and that made me go, Now it's my day 6 and i don't feel happy - i don't feel sad...I'm Completely Neutral - I don't know if it's a flatline or what, i am confused,

Although I feel physically energetic, I would be sitting on a chair doing my usual work and all of a sudden i would get this urge to do push ups or pull ups out of nowhere, like my body wants to release that physical energy and after doing that i feel even more active.

But my brain is shut down lately, I guess it is indeed a flat-line, will wait maybe a week or so and study about what flatlines are and when will they pass.

Anyways,

let's talk Happy things,

My crush called me last night, She was sad and wanted to talk to someone - We talked on the phone maybe 30-40 minutes, felt really good to hear her voice after a long time, She was pissed at some relative who told her she hates kids...She bitched about her for maybe 5 minutes and then started talking about her interview..That's what i love about her.. She never complains. we have plans to go out tomorrow.

All and All things are stable,
Just fixed my macbook, it's damn charging port wasn't working.
Will start my work in a while.

I hope you guys have a good day and get one step closer to your goals.
Happy "NOT" fapping.

later !

 

7 Days, Have started to feel good and motivated again,

No urges what so ever ...

7 More days and I might get everything that i had before my relapse, BACK.
Will then start to figure out how to handle Massive Urges.

until now -
work is good,
meditation is good,
sleeping schedule is good,
Physically everything looks fine,

My thing looks like voldemort's face, Don't know why, Before, it had turned very healthy, all the colours were exactly where they were supposed to. Will see what happens.

Feeling excited guys, Wish me luck.

 

Everything is good guys, Sorry I'm not that active..
If something new comes up i will definitely share,

Everything is starting to come together, I am so glad i took action quickly after the relapse.

Day 9 about to end, I got one very tinsy urge today.

later!

 

OhhhhhKay,

I just realised that when you turn off all dopamine doses to your brain it makes you go crazy.

I have started eating healthy, i have turned off porn, and work is awesome, but too much lately, my bank fucking robbed me for not maintaining balance in my account during pandemic...

So to sum up, I am extremely frustrated, Cranky and unhappy. It wants its dopamine dose. Right now i'm thinking of something healthy to feed it but unable to think, because of the damn headache, told my mom to cook my favourite food.

Meanwhile, Urges for Porn have started boiling, need to simmer it down and let it cool.

Plans for today are just to watch MotoGp and eat and sleep, Not gonna go out, not gonna work nothing nada.
spent saturday with kids and now my brain feels like it's gonna explode. (I love kids though)

I think the major reason is the porn thingy, That's what it does to our brain.

Will be pushing today.

 

Thanks Man !! Appreciate you being here.

 

Have nothing to say,

Morning erections are back, and so are the urges...
A very tinsy minor glow on my face can be seen, don't know why but i'm sure it is because of the semen stored inside my body.

Man I need to start working out, Like the Power inside my is Screaming for me to workout, Will be starting it soon,
Just last night, i saw this Monkey bar in a playground and for no reason I hit ten pull ups, without even a sigh, Okay i might had to push a little in the tenth one, but i seriously did it automatically, i just needed to release that energy,

My friend however, He doesn't know that i'm on NoFap, Neither does he know that i don't watch porn or jerk off, he was shocked, And I'm predicting that he watched porn and jacked off in last couple days, because he was talking about some fav pornstar of his. and he could barely walk, he didn't have any energy. He isn't a very good friend so i told him he should watch Leah Gotti in action, He's like one of those friends who would suck your energy and feel good for themselves after that. They will show you that you are a loser and they are a winner just so they could feel on a pedestal. Anyways his tactics don't work on me.

Oh yeah one more thing i would like to tell you, this might be the start of a superpower, I can see through people, Like I can see things coming, I am good at replying now, Just yesterday he was trying to show me down by saying he was tired of having SEX, oh my god I laughed so hard, because I knew why he was doing that, I mean it's lockdown for god sakes and his girlfriend (Which I'm not even sure if he even has) Lives with her family and he lives with his family and hotels are closed so i was like WTF dude, And as a MAN, i am proud to say and admit that we will never be tired of SEX, Like NEVER EVER EVER. So i told him he has so many problems. And he wasn't, he was lying, he was just trying to feel alpha by lying and thought i would believe him. anyways that's what i hate about people like these. And that's what i wanted to tell you by "I could see through people".

well that's what is happening in my life these days,
Wish you well,
Wish me well,
Thank you very much for being here...

 

Man I feel Good,

 

Already finished my Assignment, I mean i can put some more efforts but it is pretty good for now, there are minor adjustments that need to be made, but i don't wanna be one of those guys whose life revolves only around work.

Will go out for a walk or something, i was on my laptop for whole day. my eyes are burning. I mean i have night shift turned on on my macbook but still it's painful.

About my journey,

• Urges are coming back, Was hit by maybe two-three urges today.
• Hairs are feeling good again,
• genitals look good and healthy,
• Routines are coming together,
• Relationship with my mom has gone better, I am less emotional now which makes me able to interact with her more openly and fun-ly.
• I don't give a shit about lame things like some girl not talking to me or anything, Before i would kill myself if something like that happened, As i said, I am less emotional now.
• Physique Looks more manly, and after i start my workout, it's gonna be ten times more better. Will be starting my workout in a couple days.

​

 

So fellas,

I woke up at 3AM today, You wanna know why? I have NO clue !!

And then I was hit with this massive urge to Do it, because of the environment i think, No Sound, High Speed internet, tissues in the Drawer... I don't know what the hell is going on, Only thing know is i'm Not gonna relapse again.

Anyways, changing the topic,
So, it's rainy season here, I have been on some rides(bike rides) when rain caught me, some days back i saw my drive chain extremely rusted, Man it looked ugly, And it was unhealthy for the bike too, So i cleaned it this morning Now it looks Hard, Hot and Working again. Feels Good.

​

Today's plans are to learn some topics in my career field and make a morning workout routine if i got the time.

Wish Me luck.

 

you know what i don't get is?

How we would have this straight and clear mentality about porn, that how it is unhealthy, how it is everything that is wrong with the world, and then all of a sudden, ONE fuckin' day, your whole belief system will change...when you realise that your core want that shit, Doesn't matter how or why it's hurting you.

I mean our whole belief system will just flip out and we give in into that feeling and then ten minutes later we are back to square one.

Yes I relapsed again.

 

You guys might not know this, but i had deleted this account today,

I had given up,

It is painful when i relapse

But you know what, enough is enough... If i give up now my progress will be of no use then.
I need to figure out a way to get rid of this habit and i have to do it now.

because i have realised how controlling and destructive this thing is.

So let's Begin !!

Day 0 here we go

 

Just got my first salary today, Feels nothing because of this fuckin' relapse.
I would have enjoyed it even more other wise.

Right now i am,
-Emotionally disturbed,
-In pain,
-Almost have no hope that i can complete this challenge.

 

Let's take it one day at a time.

 

I think the reason for my relapse was,

I had started being unconscious and didn't really commit to the NoFap challenge.
I had started skipping my routines and just started being lazy.

Won't make the same mistake again.

 

Okay, Hopefully i am motivated to complete my 90 day hard mode challenge,

I had an awesome day.

No urges whatsoever, No work nothing.

It's easier when starting, but I am hoping this time I'm gonna break the circle.

 

I am deleting this account,

I will be back in On first November With maybe a same name or a different one.

Right now, i don't know if it even makes sense anymore, there's no will power, no commitment nothing.

I commit to not fapping instantly after fapping, It lasts for some time and then... It's same story all over again.

I am taking some weeks off of NoFap, During this time, I am not going to stop any urge and neither will I intentionally produce any urge to watch porn. I'm gonna do whatever the core and my instincts wants me to do.

Just something i wanna put out there is, I'm not giving up. I'm just trying to find the same feeling i had before i relapsed the first time. During that time it was meaningful, I used to have so much willpower, i was committed to my goals, I was actually productive. Now, its not the same. It feels meaningless.

Also, I am not taking this step impulsively or emotionally, I have actually given this a thought and I think this might bring me back, because if i keep trying like this, I fear i'm gonna exhaust myself. I'm not moving forward and i'm just wasting my efforts.

Something i wanna leave with you guys is,
Everything is awesome in life, job is good, health is good, i have started eating healthy, sometimes i tend to eat bad but it's good most of the time.

Also,

Thanks to my efforts the first time,
My skin feels good, my hairs feel good and i feel more energetic than before.
Even though i have relapsed a couple times, i still have energy left because of the 24 days streak i did the first time.

Also i am not counting anything else after my 24 days streak, My actual streak was The first 24 days, because during that time, i was not just abstaining from PMO, I was also adapting good habits and being productive.
After my first relapse even though i was abstaining, i was still lazy, i was skipping routines and wasn't that much productive, And that is the reason i am not counting that time.

I believe if i stay away from it for some time and go back to my "Before NoFap routine" i might get the same motivation back again and i may actually start putting healthy efforts, Right now it feels unhealthy and i don't want that. (Again, i have given this a thought, i am not doing it impulsively)

I hope you guys understand.

And i wish i can get back on the same track as i was on before.



Will be deleting my account Today At 06:00 PM. (September 12 - 2020)

 

That's good to know. I'm fine with everything else as long as this is written somewhere.

I'm wishing you the best man.

Stay strong. Stay hopeful.

 

Hehehe, Thanks Man. !!