Back after two years

It's been two years since i last masterbated untill today. It all began 10 years ago, i am 21 years old now, i started watching porn and masterbating without limits. Wasting thousands of hours on porn and masterbating over the years, killing my spirit and destroying every good thing i ever had. I didn't watch it before i like it, i am alone most of the time. My parents are old and we don't talk about these stuff. I once had a brother he wasn't only my beother he was my friend and we used to have a lot of conversations even if we weren't always agree. But i lost him 8 years ago. I watched him dying and i couldn't do anything about it more than running for an ambulance. Ever since, my computer became my world and i kept myself isolated. No body knows how i feel about it, i never told anybody about my feelings.
My life was screwed already. Until i destroyed it with porn and masterbation.
I hate myself for doing it.
I can't get a gf or any of that stuff. You should be married to have a legal relationship, but that's not the problem.
I hate who i became
Until 2 years ago. I feel in love with one of my old school friends. I loves her a lot. But we can't talk or have a relationship. However just thinking of her makes me a much better person. I stopped masterbation for two years. But i started watching porn again after 200 days i guess. Until it made me masterbate yesterday and today...
Now I'm back
Same old hated guy who hates himself, who's always depressed.
I still can't believe i did it again. When i start remembering how it started i start crying with no body to listen.
The hardest pain you may ever when you're struggling with yourself and hate yourself.
About the girl. She's the only one i have ever loves before. I believe she would make me a better person. But we can't even talk before getting engaged.
I have lost a lot in my life. Is it too hard to get some happiness and enjoy my life like everyone else?

 

You're right. I can't argue that the year i spent without porn and masterbation was the happiest and most productive so far. I hate porn. When i masterbated i felt stupid and i didn't enjoy it at all. Not like before. I hope this will make it easier to stop everything again. Thanks bro.

 

Hi @Mansour96 it sounds like you're in the right place. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low right now, and about the tragedy of losing your brother. That would affect anyone deeply. Did you ever have any support through that such as bereavement counselling?

I am not sure I understand why you can't talk to this girl, is it for religious reasons? Well keep sharing and talking and we will support you on your journey. You did amazingly well to go that long so recognise that achievement and today is a fresh start.

 

Thanks for your kind words, it really helps. I never talked about my brother's death with anyone. Bereavement counselling isn't usual here. And yes i can't talk to her because of our religious reasons.

 

Today i was searching about something in youtube and i accidentally saw a pic of a model and went through Instagram pics... I didn't masterbate though.

 

Sorry if this sounds very simplistic, but if you are not allowed to be with this girl unless you are married, could you not propose to her since you (both?) love eachother?

Also, I think you give yourself a hard time, losing your brother is a trauma that will have affected you greatly. If you can find a counsellor to talk to about it I think it could help. Just my thoughts on it anyway. Keep sharing and keep going.

 

I don't think i deserve her. I mean she's pure. She hasn't any of these bad habits. Wouldn't that be injustice for her to get married to such a person? Plus i still have 1 year to finish my college, so she is. And there are a lot of problems going here in our home. It's kinda dark and bleak since my brother's death. It affected everybody especially me and my mother. I think it wouldn't be normal too feel happy anymore and i wouldn't handle it. Maybe non of this is an excuse, but deep inside i love her and i can't propose to her. And this is killing me.

 

I agree with Hitto about the importance of not seeking validation from others and learning to love and provide for ourselves. However, for many people it's natural to want a partner, a great companion to share your life with who you love and vice versa. (Two healthy whole people walking the path together).

I think you may be suffering from depression, after all you have been through, so it would really help to put recovery and self care as your no.1 priority as you are doing by being here.

The fact that you feel you don't deserve her suggests you are feeling v low about yourself. Being addicted to something doesn't make you a bad person, you just got caught up in something bad and are now in recovery from it which is very commendable.

I wouldn't lose hope about this girl, since it sounds like you really care for her. Perhaps when you are feeling better, further on into your healing journey, you can re evaluate and maybe even propose, if that is what feels right in your heart. Then if she says no, at least you'd have tried and would have no regrets, and if she says yes, you'd be in a better place by then to form a healthy relationship together.

Don't give up, it will get better.

 

Thank you @Hitto and you @Ceridwen for your support. About my brother, when he died there was no one by my side to talk to. Even those who i needed the most at this moment. They weren't there. So i kept all my sadness for me and me only. Because i can handle it alone. Even if it kills me from the inside but i can handle it. It's been more than 8 years... 8 years taught me a lot. So i think it's a pointless situation and i shouldn't have mentioned it.

You're right hitto, i should focus on myself and improving myself. I'm still studing. I need the time i spend on watching porn and masterbation to improve myself.

You're right too ceridwen, i can't spend my whole life in front of a screen. I love this girl a lot. Not because how she looks, she's beautiful by the way. But i truly love her spirit. You know, sometimes you love someone so hard but you don't know why. That's me. She was a friend of mine in the primary school and i love her ever since. I know my feelings are true. I will so my best to propose to her. It's a win win situation anyways.

And about porn and masterbation. Unfortunately i did it yesterday, but it's going to be my last day. I don't want to spend my life watching porn for hours and masterbating like an animal. I won't do it again. I know i may fail, but i will do my best.

Thanks a lot guys. @Ceridwen @Hitto and @Isaky106 , you're the best support i ever got so far.