Back to square one after recent knock back

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Daviesmark1, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Daviesmark1

    Daviesmark1 Fapstronaut

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    I was progressing very well on the nofap challenge recently, closing in on the 30 day mark: not having any temptations or need to PMO. The reason for that? I connected with a girl I was introduced to by a friend of a friend one evening.

    I have been trying to do nofap for around 4 years to pursue a real relationship and experience sex with a girl. I'm 21 and a virgin just to add context.

    Anyway, I really hit it off with this girl. I ended up going out for 2/3 'dates' with her, more just chatting and getting to know her. I was very upfront with her early on when we discussed what this was to become- we both agreed it would be something casual.

    From that day onwards, I knew that the idea of having sex with her was going to be likely after our next meet up.

    That indeed proved to be the case, however I completely messed up due to being so nervous and now I haven't spoken to or seen her since.

    I think my problem was that I already had in my head before meeting her that this was going to happen... and so I was over analysing it all in my head before meeting her. I live in the city centre, whereas she has to catch a 20-min bus to get into town, meaning she's likely to want to stay at mine rather than travel home late at night.

    We got back to mine, one thing led to another and I began fingering her.... I have fingered a couple of girls previously but I am by no means experienced in what i'm doing, and this is probably something she noticed. She said I was being too rough with her, and got out of bed around 10 mins in to go to the bathroom. When she returned the moment had completely gone, she then tried touching me but I couldn't get it up either.. which was also somewhat of a concern.

    The night didn't exactly go to plan... she picked up on the fact I was nervous and told me to relax on a couple of occasions, I didn't end up having sex with her but she stayed over nonetheless.

    From that day, I said sorry for what happened and continued to text her over the next few days. I gradually noticed her interest diminish: slower replies, not meeting up at the weekends as she had done for the past few weeks. I tried asking her to meet up on three separate weekends, each time she had a reason to not go. Fair enough, but not once did she suggest another date... which made clear to me that I had blown it because of that one night.

    I stopped messaging her to see if she would get in touch..... nothing. We haven't spoken in nearly three weeks now and I'm sure it's now dead and buried.

    After being on such a high, feeling like I'd finally broken free from nofap and was going to finally experience a meaningful connection with someone, even if it was on a casual basis, I'm since gone backwards and reverted to Pmo :/

    Hoping to put myself out there again but this has really knocked my confidence. What I liked about it all was how unexpected it all was and it felt so natural. I'm not particularly into Tinder hook-ups and not kind of thing as I feel it's a bit fake, but meeting girls like the way I did that night is becoming somewhat harder so it seems.

    I had it in the back of my mind that she would give me a second chance, but that's not the case. I have been blaming myself for what happened and have felt so shit about it, and not being able to change what went wrong. Because I've never slept with a girl, and I knew she wasn't a virgin, I felt so under pressure to perform, so much to the point that I was nearly shaking at one point.

    Sure, you can watch sex online- (and of course it's nothing like what really happens) but nothing can really prepare you for the actual moment. How do I become more relaxed so that this doesn't happen next time?
     
    dogeatdog likes this.
  2. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    Like you said, it was a casual relationship even in the beginning, so it can’t really be a meaningful connexion.
    And if she ditched you because you didn’t « perform well » the first time, then she didn’t deserve you.

    if you really love someone and she really loves you, things go differently. I’m from those who think it should all feel natural and based on trust.
    I also think you shouldn’t try to hook up as fast as you can. You are young, you have time.
     
    dogeatdog and Daviesmark1 like this.
  3. Daviesmark1

    Daviesmark1 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.
     
    dogeatdog likes this.
  4. Sharksvv

    Sharksvv Fapstronaut

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    You mention that the moment had gone and that you couldn’t get it up again, you also mention you watch sex online...to me this sounds a lot like PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction) it happens because you have conditioned yourself to porn and not the real thing, so you can easily get hard looking at photos and videos online but when it’s a real girl you can’t or you can but it doesn’t last and goes away when you stop for a period, case in point you going to the washroom.

    To beat this you need to cease all watching porn and masturbating to it, even touching and edging. The only times you should be touching down there is to pee and bathe. Honestly depending on your situation it could even take a year, as it did for me, I used to have severe PIED where when I was with a real girl I couldn’t get it up and in the instances I could it wouldn’t last long at all and when it went down it wouldn’t go up again.

    I have strong suspicions this is where your problem is coming from. Also like the other poster said, don’t rush things. When I met my girlfriend she was a virgin and we purposely took things slow which was a blessing for me because I got to just cuddle with her for a while before we did anything and I started seeing improvements in my ability to get hard and stay hard for long periods even with my pants still on.

    I’m at the point now where I don’t stress whatsoever about sex and don’t have any fear of my performance anymore because I know I’ll get hard and I know I’ll stay hard. Accepting that you have PIED can be a tough pill to swallow but it’s curable.

    This is a great site that goes into this a lot.
    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php
     
    dogeatdog and Daviesmark1 like this.
  5. Daviesmark1

    Daviesmark1 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks mate, really helpful reply. Yes, I think it's possible that is what I have done. A lot of the time in the past, it has mainly been photos and not videos, but I guess that is just as damaging? I'm trying to get back to the stage whereby pmo was not even crossing my mind, as I don't want a repeat of what happened with the next girl I see.

    There was a time a couple of weeks ago before the girl I'm speaking about here, which was a one night thing. I was able to get it up, but nothing happened with the girl as I didn't have a condom on me stupidly, but if i did, i'm not sure how long I would have been able to maintain the erection for. It did seem to take a while for me to get hard.
     
    dogeatdog likes this.
  6. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Fapstronaut

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    @Daviesmark1 im just going to be blunt. Casual sex is never good for you. It can’t satisfy. Sex is meant to be as God designed it: with the woman you love and within marriage. Now you tried to violate that, when you are already struggling with pmo and haven’t done nofap long enough. It’s gonna result in disaster and ofc disappointment and you going right back to pmo. Gods way is the best way. If you keep on trying to do these casual relationship things, you will become more and more broken, and these women don’t love or care about you. It will just be more disasters and regrets like this one. Trust me on this.

    I suggest you keep up with nofap and just focused on improving yourself more instead of using it to pursue girls.

    Also, i recommend you wait until the right one pops up: the one you wanna be with for the rest of your life, instead of wasting your time, energy, soul and mental stability on these mishap encounters that don’t lead to anything fulfilling or meaningful.

    If you keep working on yourself and persist in the right way, eventually the right girl will pop up and it will be like a dream come true. But you have to be patient and not constantly make the mistake of pursuing girls just for sex
     
  7. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Fapstronaut

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    @Daviesmark1 I guess the main point i want to make is: don’t treat sex lightly. It’s a lot more powerful and comes with more consequences than you would think. I’m sure this experience has taught you that.

    Good luck to you man
     
    Daviesmark1 and Hello Friend like this.
  8. Daviesmark1

    Daviesmark1 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your comments and appreciate your honesty. I understand your point about waiting for the right person to come along etc, but it's so hard to do that. The last couple of years I was never one for chasing after girls, but now it's something I'd quite like to happen. I'm 21 now and still waiting to sleep with someone, and have become quite horny as a result. My biggest stumbling block has been trying to channel this energy into other things and not just end up pmoing as a result.

    With the two girls I talk about in my post, both of these hook-ups occured by chance. The first girl i met at a friends before we all went on a night out, and the second girl I was introduced to by a friend. It was not as though I had actively gone out pursuing both girls, it just happened naturally. The problem is, these two experiences have now left me actively looking because they didn't go to plan.

    I'm trying not to rush things and will just let things work themselves out. Hopefully I meet someone else before too long.
     
    goodnice 3.0 likes this.
  9. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Fapstronaut

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    I see...

    I still encourage patience- this might mean weeks months or even years. But All good things come to those who wait
     
    Daviesmark1 likes this.

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