bad habits die hard

New
Day 97
I understand now how the athletes feel the pressure when they are close to win. I was reading news paper which mentioned something about terminator 2 actress and some other actress. I was curious went to internet as creature of habit. wasted 15 precious minutes there, ended watching topless pictures of these actresses though they were not pornographic and I realised I stepped on wrong path once again. I knew from past experiences that searches like this will lead to relapse. Got my senses again and closed that window and opened this. The actress look pretty old now, all her assets she use to flaunt are now wrinkled. This is impermanence and that is the reality. I will get old too and then wasted time like this will add to nothing. I was aware about what I was doing but I still went ahead and did it. I wonder what is the reason? I do not know. I am viewing sexual dreams from 96th day of this reboot. I am just two days away from getting the 100 number and this happened. I think I am not addicted to porn but I am addicted to suffering which comes with the guilt. I am aware about this negative addiction now and will try to tackle that. I do deserve happiness and clean streak,Is it that hard to accept? This needs something beyond my thinking capacity I feel to small to understand the big picture about this temptation before reaching my goals. I am not resetting counter because I did reset it twice without actual relapse. I pray for strength and pray for 1000 clean days for me and for everyone here and outside.

 

Day 110
I experienced a wet dream when I was admitted in the hospital and I was on saline. May be because I was weak .