Balance between ED and premature ejaculation?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PIEDSufferer, Jul 10, 2020.

  1. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    Hello all,

    I used to post here frequently, but haven’t in a long while. The scoop: I had suffered from performance anxiety for many years through a psychological thread that seemed to be reinforced by PIED. Simply put, excessive porn use had caused me to have ED issues, and it resulted in anxiety. And the two conditions played a wonderful tap dance on my life and emotions:rolleyes:

    After a couple of hard relapses and reshaping my noPMO methods, and living with my SO for the first time, I feel that I am making good progress. We are having sex. I am able to have successful erections. There has been an added challenge with dryness issues on her side of things, which I can easily solve with some personal lubricants. No problem!

    But here’s the problem I now face: Because of my complete abstinence from PMO and focusing entirely on my SO, I have not been able to last more than about 30 seconds when we DO have sex. At first, I used it as a source of compliment, telling her that it’s proof of how attractive she is (which is completely true..... she’s crazy hot, and loves me). But this is getting embarrassing! She’s getting pretty disappointed that I finish so quickly. But if I try to masturbate to increase my “stamina,” I fear it will lead me back to ED. One thing I’ve noticed is it still takes a bit of effort to get fully erect. And when I’m finally firm enough, I’m almost to the point of orgasm. So I imagine that is the anxiety that’s resulting in some vasoconstriction issues (keeping me flaccid) until I’m almost over the edge.

    I’m sure others here have struggled with this. Any tips on how to work this balance? Is it purely about controlling the anxiety? Or has anyone had success with methods of “pacing” yourself, if at all possible?
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    My husband had de from the minute we married and then full blown pied for 5 years. When he quit pmo, pied went away about 4-6 months clean, then de went away at about 8 months then he had pe! lol. He had a lot of anxiety but I told him I preferred the pe. Pe lasted about 3 months? Maybe less, now he’s still fast but he has a little more control. Each time he slipped in the year and half, his erections got much softer. Do not masturbate! Give yourself time! A loving partner will work with you in recovery.
     
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  3. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply! She has definitely been very patient with me so far. But it kills me because I see the disappointment on her face, and I only want to be the best for her and make her happy.

    So it sounds like it just takes time more than anything? I suppose anxiety fizzles with time as we both become more familiar with each other. We’re about a year into our relationship now. But it had been a long-distance relationship up until the middle of last month, when we finally moved in together. So it went from seeing each other maybe once a month (if that) to living together and seeing each other constantly. Big change! But I’m hoping it’s a change for the better.
     
  4. Searcher78

    Searcher78 Fapstronaut

    No wonder you cannot perform like that:
    Having sex while being killed by her disappointment.
    X-D

    You might be stuck in a loop. The symptoms of your problem seem to also be its source: performance anxiety.
    (According to your counter you're clean for more than 130 days. So porn is probably not the major issue here.)

    Have you considered medication against ED?
    Those drugs might be a simple interim solution. If they work, your confidence comes back, the loop is broken, and you probably don't need the meds anymore pretty soon.

    Needless to say: Talk to a physician about that first!!!
     
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  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately 130 days is not even close to enough. He mentions he still has problem just getting hard. He has grown up with hsi, it’s going to take a long time to rewire his brain. My husband was super anxious and worried when he got pe 8 months into being clean. It only lasted about 3 months. Now he’s what I would say is normal. At over a year an a half ( 3 slips) he’s gets rock hard really fast, no more Ed or pied and no pe. He 52. Every slip though has effected his erections and his healing. We consider his “ slips” relapsing but I noticed on here that’s not what they call it. It takes a long time to correct the damage you have done.
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Does she tell you she’s disappointed? Do you just stop or do you help her reach o? If you just stop, then yeah she’s disappointed. One thing that helped us, lots of fore play for me without touching him. So I was right at the brink, lol. It gets better!
     
  7. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely! One thing I definitely learned about performance anxiety is that it serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy. A vicious cycle of fearing that I won’t perform, and not being able to perform BECAUSE of that fear. All it does is build on itself. The biggest challenge is changing the direction of my mind, which is one of the things I’m working toward in therapy.
    I definitely have considered going that route. But I always hesitate when it comes to starting medications. I read an article about a former male porn actor who believed his performance anxiety was actually caused by a reliance on ED medications. So that kind of scares me a little. I should definitely see what a doctor has to say about that first, I suppose.
     
  8. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    I make it a point to give her at least an orgasm or two first with oral, before we try intercourse. I always wink and say things like “Ladies first.” So I know she appreciates that. But I also know that she enjoys the experience of intercourse that extends beyond just the orgasm. There’s an intimacy to it that she craves. We have no issues with intimacy in every other way. Intercourse just feels like the challenging piece to an otherwise perfect relationship experience, if that makes sense.
     
  9. Chevalblanc

    Chevalblanc Fapstronaut

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    look for dr. PK Lin. He might able to help you.
     
  10. Kinkster2016

    Kinkster2016 Fapstronaut

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    Why is your situation so painfully similar to mine. Im dealing with this situation as we speak .Im dating this amazing girl and im currently 70 days into my reboot. We first had sex one month ago ,with some external help to break my anxiety . All went well for the first weeks ,and i was so happy i defeated my pied again. But as i stopped taking those pills and (because of my sex addiction) increased the rate of intercourse i found it hard to perform again. Just like you i need some time to get hard ,and when i do ,im usually close to climax .But lately i lost my focus during intercourse. First times i managed to get myself back on track and finish ,but last time i lost it twice ,and didnt even try again anymore. I know progress is not linear ,but i was expecting improvement since my last time.. How much sex is too much ? or how often should it happen ? I guess that by trying almost every night and morning we kinda started skipping on foreplay too ,which is not that smart from what ive read around here.
    Shes a great girl and i care about her a lot.The problem is she has some issues of her own and i know my lack of virility is having an effect on her.I dont want her to question my feelings or attraction for her because of my issues. What should i do ?
     
  11. Kinkster2016

    Kinkster2016 Fapstronaut

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    So progress comes slow and is not progressive .. How often do you and your husband had intercourse during this time ? How much is too much ? One month ago i could perform ok (with some external help ) ,but only like 2 times a week .Lately we (or i ) tried having sex almost every night and morning and i find it hard to focus and maintain an erection .Is like i lose interest in whats happening.Is it too much ?Too often ? Which is crazy cuz i like this girl and i feel attracted to her..What to do ?
     
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    In the beginning we had sex about ever other day? But the chaser was making it very hard for him to stay clean so we did 52 days total abstinence had sex then 50 days total abstinence. Our csat recommended 90 days but we never made it that far. Can you talk with your gf about it? That’s the biggest hurdle. She needs to know what’s going on in order to be on board. I believe that those of you who had internet during the formative years (10-25) have a longer recovery in spite of the addiction not being as many years as men like my husband. When he was that age he could rarely get a magazine. You guys had much easier access. That’s just my opinion , I have no sources to back it up! Every night and every morning is a lot of sex though. Maybe try Karrezza if your gf is willing? We did that too, and it’s actually really fun and nice.
     
  13. Kinkster2016

    Kinkster2016 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply

    Well i read a lot of post where guys were talking about the importance of rewiring and it all made sense.So i never thought that real intercourse will interfere with my reboot.I thought that sex will help and will only improve my condition. Its true that because of my sex addict patterns i "forced" it too much. Now that i think about it ,nightly and every morning sex is a lot no matter who you are.And by doing it so often our foreplay times got shorter and shorter . It did kinda feel like there wasnt a connection anymore.
    My gf is amazing and very open about things.I can talk to her about anything and in this relationship i promote openness and sharing anything ,but i dont feel ready to talk to her about my addiction. It makes me feel like a hypocrite but she really looks up to me and im not secure enough to show her that side of me.Although i do want to have her on board ,if not for me at least for her own sake,so she wont feel guilty about stuff.But i dont know where to start ,and what to talk to her.I tried to keep talking about this issue as less as possible so i wont make a big deal out of it,but it is visible that she is irritated or ar least intrigued by it.
    How can i approach this situation ?
    This is actually true. And it is scientifically proven too. I saw a lot of youtube videos talking about the same stuff.I too started my journey with magazines.I remember having to wait for hours in front of the store until finally nobody was inside and i could go and do my shameful purchase.And after a few years i had the entire internet at my finger tips.Being that young with an undeveloped brain in front of the internet is far more toxic than someone who is already mature or just found P after his 40's.
     
  14. -ChangeYourLife-

    -ChangeYourLife- Fapstronaut

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    It seems that the anxiety is playing a role there, although, may not be the only one, did you suffer from premature ejaculation before?
     

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