BDSM

D

DileDile

New Fapstronaut
I joined NoFap journey in december and today it is around 75th day without PMOing, I stopped countung long time ago, sometimes I have urge but I really easy avoid that. I think I am done with P forever.
The thing that is going around my head is that I watched BDSM much more that “normal” P and I think I always liked it that way. My problem is that I go hard and want and get keen on girls that wear leather leggings etc.
My question is. Is it just me that I like that, same as someone likes some pose in sex or it is something I need to get worked on?
 
DileDile said:
I joined NoFap journey in december and today it is around 75th day without PMOing, I stopped countung long time ago, sometimes I have urge but I really easy avoid that. I think I am done with P forever.
The thing that is going around my head is that I watched BDSM much more that “normal” P and I think I always liked it that way. My problem is that I go hard and want and get keen on girls that wear leather leggings etc.
My question is. Is it just me that I like that, same as someone likes some pose in sex or it is something I need to get worked on?
Click to expand...

Personally, I think all lust addicts have a certain aspect of lust that is favored. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you don't act out on that. Abstain from looking lustfully at any of those things. Joining SA and getting into some CSAT therapy is your best bet.
 
75 days isnt that long (i mean its a Great streak) but its not long enough to "reset" by any means.
P is mostly BDSM these days - it pushes for objectification, aggression, and "power dynamics" against people, rather than seeing the gentle, loving, affectionate, emotional bonds we are capable of.
BDSM also comes from past traumas, and IMO, is actually of form of mutual masturbation (at best) when doing it with someone else (been there).

Ultimately, only sobriety and kindness with yourself and others can fully "reset" you. As someone who has tried both over the years, I personally find BDSM to be a toxic VERY PROFITABLE industry, designed to Destroy our relationships with others under the guise of "ooh its taboo" yada yada.

I think there may be some legitimate uses for it to process past traumas (maybe) but it's ultimately ego-driven unsatisfactory sex that is a barrier to intimacy.

You cant force these things though, just stay sober and youll find the urges subside more on more. Also, I recommend finding other (healthier) outlets for anger and aggression.
 
DileDile said:
Is it just me that I like that, same as someone likes some pose in sex or it is something I need to get worked on?
Click to expand...

A good question. A simplistic answer would be if you liked BDSM before you watched porn then you like BDSM. But what is 'me'? And what is 'I'? Is the self an illusion ?
 
I don't know how serious your bdsm tastes are but I read a couple studies one time:
1) The first one was from the 80's and had men watch different kinds of porn while they were hooked up to a machine which measured their erections (yes, seriously). They were shown non-violent porn, then violent porn. The men who were more aroused by the violent porn were over 20x as likely to have committed rape as the men who lost arousal when seeing violence.
2) The other one looked at couples who regularly practiced BDSM. It found that husbands that practiced BDSM were 6x as likely to deliberately murder their wives as the ones that didn't practice BDSM.

So I'm inclined to think it's unhealthy.
 
yeah lots of studies have shown it leads to more violence against women. which leads to jail. and so many other problems.

what was real concerning to me was when women id been with wanted to explore it - and they were *always* bad at communicating their boundaries. so I never went there.

I honestly think 90% of BDSM culture is just a bullshit front to normalize abusive stuff. I get the whole "free expression dont be the police" side of sex, but that stuff is mostly toxic as heck with little to no education on consent, mutual power dynamics *before* roleplay, talking understanding thing on an emotional level, etc.

if it "feels good" that doesnt mean it is "is good." If those 2 were the same, none of us would be here.
 
hello guys,

here is my post from other place on this forum:

My fetish for p..n and s.x was/is - domination over female partner.
Not real violence. Not any type of real forced sex or r..e. Nothing like that.
MY fetish is to have control over woman during s.x. to have her follow my lead and orders. voluntary not be forcing her.
To have her performing certain acts that would demonstrate her submissiveness to me. Also cuckqueaning - having s.x with another female in front of my current partner (or imaginary partner), but this is i guess a form of domination as well.

To add - i'm not really dominant with woman in "normal" life. I like them and respect them how ever i don like dominant womens as well.
i guess i always had problems with being shy towards woman that were attractive to me. Even to the level of being over serving her. Almost submissive in real life - "doing everything for them".
Maybe this is were my fetish comes from. How can i heal it. Get rid of ...

thx
 
Gladwell1 said:
hello guys,

here is my post from other place on this forum:

My fetish for p..n and s.x was/is - domination over female partner.
Not real violence. Not any type of real forced sex or r..e. Nothing like that.
MY fetish is to have control over woman during s.x. to have her follow my lead and orders. voluntary not be forcing her.
To have her performing certain acts that would demonstrate her submissiveness to me. Also cuckqueaning - having s.x with another female in front of my current partner (or imaginary partner), but this is i guess a form of domination as well.

To add - i'm not really dominant with woman in "normal" life. I like them and respect them how ever i don like dominant womens as well.
i guess i always had problems with being shy towards woman that were attractive to me. Even to the level of being over serving her. Almost submissive in real life - "doing everything for them".
Maybe this is were my fetish comes from. How can i heal it. Get rid of ...

thx
Click to expand...
Take your time and search for a decent sex positive therapist. Don’t beat yourself up about it everyone has different tastes and fantasies we’ve all got a wild side and it’s healthy and fun.Work on yourself and maybe look for a partner a bit of leather/latex and toys is cool maybe write down boundaries. my ex loved being dominated. But doing a girl infront of a Mrs is toxic unless she wants it. If you can engage in kinks like adults and communicate dos and donts, I don’t see the problem if either is deriving pleasure from mentally or physically harming the other to feel some fake power it’s pretty narcissistic. But I’ve got off to similar fantasies. Sex it’s a messy business if we have no power over it isn’t it and we all have a pallet of different likes etc but can lead into dark areas if not careful. I’ve realised shaming ourselves about tastes makes them stronger. Not taking it as much of a big deal has really helped me. We’re trying to soothe ourselves at the end of the day and don’t need telling off
 
Zman99 said:
Take your time and search for a decent sex positive therapist. Don’t beat yourself up about it everyone has different tastes and fantasies we’ve all got a wild side and it’s healthy and fun.Work on yourself and maybe look for a partner a bit of leather/latex and toys is cool maybe write down boundaries. my ex loved being dominated. But doing a girl infront of a Mrs is toxic unless she wants it. If you can engage in kinks like adults and communicate dos and donts, I don’t see the problem if either is deriving pleasure from mentally or physically harming the other to feel some fake power it’s pretty narcissistic. But I’ve got off to similar fantasies. Sex it’s a messy business if we have no power over it isn’t it and we all have a pallet of different likes etc but can lead into dark areas if not careful. I’ve realised shaming ourselves about tastes makes them stronger. Not taking it as much of a big deal has really helped me. We’re trying to soothe ourselves at the end of the day and don’t need telling off
Click to expand...
great post - thank you!

My problem is - i have wife and she is not that much into it - i love her anyhow...
life
 
Is there any things that are a big turn on to her? Could you maybe work on some new skills of forplay, do some research or get lessons in massage to cater for her needs too? Could you make an effort to improve your looks ( not saying you’re ugly) Maybe there is somewhere in the middle of your turn ons that you both share and work at developing that! Maybe a romantic meal and movie night is what she’d prefer and would return pleasures for you. The person I’m listening to at the moment is saying it’s best to accept some desires between couples rather than trying to force them down which can end up in shame and a lot more extreme use trying to soothe that very shame. I like dominant looking women, maybe an office boss, a therapist or pvc. Sometimes I like the challenge of dominating them or have really intense sex. Other times I want a skilled confident woman to take me away into bliss where I can just let go. For years I was embarrassed that it turned me on at times I was stressed or tired when needing an escape. I tried addiction recovery therapist and groups for years. Now I’m just owning it and weirdly enough it’s not really so out of control or even that much of an attractive taboo. I get off if the woman gets off it’s sexual empathy some call it. Some women like being dominant, some submissive, some both. Obviously don’t take this as a green light to binge like mad. But work positively at making both of your lives more desirable.
 
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