Be a MAN! Insights from my journey so far, 14 days PMO free

Hi, fellow fapstronauts. This is my story. It´s been 14 days since I embarked on this journey of self-realization on my porn addiction. I have been masturbating to porn since I was 13 years of age. I´m now 24 years old. I´m a student, an artist and a gay man. For 6 years I have been struggling with depression and social anxiety. Past traumas in my life has shaped me as a person and posed some great challenges on a daily basis. But it has also made me a more mature and emphatic person. I easily isolate myself from the world thinking I´m worthless and a waste of space. It took me a long time to come to terms with my own sexuality. I would feel guilt and shame over who I was and my relationship with my father came to a halt. I never had a strong bond with my father and he had very strict ideas on how a man should be. Being feminine or sharing your feelings was a gesture of weakness. We never talked about our feelings in my family, everything just had to look "nice". I felt as if I always disappointed my father, and coming out was the tip of the iceberg. I hated myself, I felt alone. I would turn to porn for relief, a feeling of ecstasy, power and control. It was easy and it felt good, for a while.

As I became older my porn addiction continued on a daily basis. It made me forget about all the shit in my life. But it also impacted my life on a deeper level. Trusting other people and having a deep and strong connection with someone was something that almost felt like a threat to my safety. So I liked to stay at home, playing video games and jerking off behind closed doors. Then I experienced physical and mental abuse over a long period of time. It closed me off even more. I did my best to help those around me because I knew how hard life could be. So I dedicated my life to helping those around me, and at the same time forget about my own shit. But I did not share my thoughts or feelings with anyone. Because the way I was brought up, that was weak and not how a "MAN" should act. I now realize if I can´t help myself, how can I help those I love. How egotistical is that? When I was 21 I fell in love. I met someone that broke down those walls I had built up my entire life. And so my first relationship started.

We were together for 1 year before things fell apart. One day I caught him cheating and found out he had been cheating for a while. It completely shattered me. I left him and tried to be strong and continue my education. I was weak, we went back and forth but one day I had enough of his bullshit so I stood up for myself, for once in my life and walked away. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Then I turned into something I´m not proud of. I became a self obsessed asshole. I did not care about anyone. All that mattered to me was myself and my own pleasure in life. I became a EGO monster. Hurting those around me trampling on their feelings and manipulating everyone I knew. I cheated, I jerked off. I fucked around and I did not give two shits. I was broken, a dark entity that spread my negativity to everyone around me. My porn addiction escalated and it became darker and more hardcore. It impacted my sex life as well. I would have twisted fantasies and desires. Being controlled by lust, sex and porn. Then I turned to drugs because of ED. My head was so intoxicated with fabricated ideas and images that I could not get it up.

So I would continue to be as anonymous to those around me as much as possible. As life progressed and things got tougher, I finally had a breakdown. Mentally and physically I was exhausted. I had only 2 options. To give up or to keep fighting. So I decided to dedicate my life to love. To open up my heart and face myself in the mirror. Battle my inner demons and stand victorious. Because I am fed up with being this weak consumer. I want to create my own future, shape it into something beautiful. I opened up, I balled my eyes out. I laughed, I cried, I was held, I held. I shared fears, faced them. Broke down, got back up. All with the help of those who care about me. ME. My true and authentic self. I moved back home, opened up to my father and shared my feelings with him. Then saw something change in him. He saw how his actions had impacted me. He told me that he loved me but he found it hard to open up. Something that I respect, I love my father. And now our relationship seems to head towards a lighter path. So my advice to you fellow fapstronauts, friends and beautiful souls. Keep on fighting, don´t give up. Face your demons and open up. And to all men out there. Don´t be afraid to share your feelings, it will change your life. And remember, by opening up and showing courage. You inspire others to do the same. It is a great way to face your addiction. I think addiction is a manifestation of distraction from your own hurt. Your own sorrow and feelings. So face it. Before you are consumed by the darkness. Good fortune to you all. Namaste <3