Be kind to yourself.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Deleted Account, Oct 5, 2020.

  1. This is so fucking important and I have failed so many times because I didn't treat myself well. Our addiction isn't shameful, it's not something to hide or feel bad about. This will only hinder your progress and make you withdraw yourself from other people. I recently started seeing a therapist and I told them everything, every disgusting detail and I feel so much better because I feel like I'm no longer alone in this. I also told one of my friends and it turns out that he was addicted to porn for many years as well and we bonded over it. The way I see it is that it sucks how much time we wasted and how we defiled and damaged ourselves but I feel like it was fated, it's what has made us into who we are today and it's what has caused us to strive so valiantly to be a better person. The past few weeks have been absolute hell for me and I spent many days in bed and just staring mindlessly, I felt so broken and weak but I started meditating on these feelings of grief and anxiety and I feel hopeful again. There is no other way except forward. I'd rather die than fall back into old habits.

    Roman generals would block the escape routes of their armies and this caused them to fight so much harder and win unlikely battles.
     
  2. halbritar

    halbritar Fapstronaut

    This is so important to remember, thank you for the reminder. I beat myself up all the time after I fall into the trap and fail to achieve my goals. I find that when I feel that intense guilt and shame, it compounds on the urges and I end up bingeing. But when I can be kind to myself and restart my commitment with hope, I feel much stronger in the face of those urges.
     
    slug175, Candun and Maurice00 like this.
  3. This is definitely something that I need to learn. I tend to be very hard on myself.
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  4. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this but we also have to be careful. Guilt has a rightful place in all of this. If we fall too far on the end of the spectrum it will make things challenging. If we are too easy on ourselves we justify our behaviors and lack the motivation to change. If we are too hard on our selves we wallow in self-pity which can easily lead to relapse.

    Here is what I think: Be honest with yourself.

    When you mess up. Admit you made a damaging choice. Admit that you did it, even knowing what the repercussions would be. Admit that you hurt yourself and/or others. Admit that you are not a monster. Admit that makes a bad decision doesn't make you a bad person. Admit that secrecy is where this behavior thrives.

    If we cannot face what we have done, we will not be able to change. Face it and be brave. Have the bravery to be kind to yourself AND feel the guilt that comes with making a wrong choice.

    Here is the test: If it is motivating, it is probably good.
     
  5. grffn

    grffn Fapstronaut

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    I have been thinking about activities that can give me pleasure but are also healthy.

    Some ideas:
    • Gardening
    • Going for a walk
    • Working out
    • Cooking
    • Home improvement projects
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  6. Those all sound really nice. I've been going for a lot of long walks and it definitely helps to get out of the house. Usually I take a book and a can of tea and just sit down somewhere nice. How's your journey going?
     
  7. grffn

    grffn Fapstronaut

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    Well, it's been a long journey. I remember subscribing to /r/nofap when there were less than 5,000 subscribers. That must have been 10 years ago? I've never managed to get to 90 days. My longest streaks coincide with the happiest times of my life. I've gotten around 80 days a few times. I have also been able to go long periods of time where I see very little porn, and only MO once a week or so. However I also still have periods of time where I get into bad binges with extreme porn, and end up in a depressed, dark place. I feel like I'm at a point now where I can overcome it. I'm optimistic and secure. I've learned so much about my triggers and how the brain works. I think one of the keys is knowing that willpower alone isn't enough. I have identified the triggers and set up failsafe barriers to letting the triggers lead to PMO. I have installed new routines that give pleasure in a healthy way, to replace the old bad habits. I continuously remind myself of the pain that the old habits caused, so that I'm not tempted to slip back.

    And when the temptation does arise, and I pick up my laptop to go look at some videos, the internet filter I set up blocks me. I briefly think to uninstall the filter but remember that past me put that in place to stop future me from hurting myself, because past me wants future me to be kind to myself.
     
    Maurice00 likes this.

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