Be the mad scientist in your recovery laboratory.

You will regain control of all areas of life. You will reverse all porn related problems.
My attention has shifted to real life in just a short 35 days. That is very recent history and I don't recognize that old self.

I chronically over consumed porn, alcohol, mushrooms, LSD, hook up apps.
I was 100% vulnerable to acting out compulsively at the slightest suggestion regardless of how many times I promised myself I'm done with porn and sex apps. The repulsion, shame, and soul crushing self hated from what ever previous occurrence was never enough to stop the current one.

I would be at a hotel or home alone and would be completely highjacked. The buzz of switching my laptop to incognito mode ran through my entire existence. I would start out with straight porn, move to mature granny genre.

The mixture of pharmaceuticals and surge of dopamine scrambled my brain. It escalated quickly. The last video would never be enough as I clicked and clicked searching for something more intoxicating.

I am straight and have had numerous relationships and a marriage to woman. I love intimacy with woman. But the straight porn quickly wasn't enough and I would switch to gay. This wasn't my sexuality but my craving didn't care. I would edge to massage gay porn. I was totally lost, I would down load a gay hook up app. The pings of message started chiming away on my phone. Like the ringing of slot machines in a casino my phone became hype active with messages and images. I was gone. my self image was buried. I had no idea who I was communication with. A few times I was sure it was someone I knew from work or somewhere. it was weird and scary but I couldn't stop. I live in a small town so the chances of it being someone I knew or knew someone who knew me were high.

I had no control over giving out my phone number or location or images. I eagerly sent pictures and text. The anticipation of O and M turned me into someone completely unrecognizable. I was on craigslist once and someone wrote on discrete encounters that we will all get caught eventually. The majority were men married or with girlfriends. I was living with my long term girlfriend. She worked during the day and evenings sometimes. I loved her very much. I read that statement and knew it was true but my compulsion didn't care. the more reckless the more I felt a thrill of dopamine. The images couldn't come fast enough.

The promise of hooking up was too much. I would meet up with men. It would be over so fast. The result was always the same. The hours wasted, the risks taken, I would be in some weird location or have some strange man in my house, the apartment I shared with my gf, or some unfamiliar hotel room.

I was spent. I felt so ugly, completely unattractive, not lovable or worthy of anyones respect. I was convinced I was going to be found out. I was sure what I had just participated in was stamped on my forehead for the whole world to see. It would take days to recover. There wasn't a shower hot enough to clean off how repulsed I was with my self. I promised my self that was going to be my last time. I would try and sleep away the depression. As a man I was crushed. But I would wake up with a new resolve again for the billionth time

There is not such thing as a secret sex life. Everything you do is already known. Friends and family coworkers picked up on my conflicted energy. Gossip and rumors followed me. I couldn't defend myself against my reputation being ruined or comments made directly or behind my back. It was horrible and I wanted to die. The thought of suicide was never far away. i didn't see any way out. I just wanted this pain and torture to stop. The only thing keeping me from doing it was how much it would hurt my mom.

I WILL NEVER GO BACK. GENTLEMAN, FOR FUCK SAKES, THE WORLD IS SCREAMING FOR MASCULINE LEADERSHIP AND PROTECTION. PORN DESTROYS ALL OF THAT AND ITS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

I have been seeing a girl. She is 12 years younger than me. She is pretty, feminine, and loves music.

We had sex for the first time three days ago. I had no problem staying hard. She gave me oral and i came in her mouth. I never used to be able to do that. We finished and she spent the night. She is spending the weekend with me at my house.

I just put down money on a trip to New Zealand over Christmas. I have a 8 month old heeler who is amazing and I am training and he is growing into an awesome dog. I own an investment property several states away and work on it daily to improve its performance. I lift kettle bells and work on a heavy bag consistently. I am half way through a 10,000 punches challenge this month. My jab and hooks are improved

It is possible to heal your life. The promises of Nofap and porn recovery are not empty. We have no choice but to over come the obstacles placed in our paths. The struggling men behind us need to see us succeed if they are to stand a chance.

This addiction plays for keeps. It's not a joke.

All my love and support.
A6659