becoming a live-in slave

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by graham55, May 22, 2018.

  1. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, a lot has changed since i've last been on this site. My last session was a few hours ago. It was a blackmail cei, edging session. Iv'e had 3-4 lapses in the last few days. But it's ok.

    We will figure this out. I have changed alot.

    I started masturbating when i was 12. When i first start watching porn around the age of 12, it was very soft stuff, and it has since then escalated.

    As science suggests this is due to the natural de-sentization involved with pornography. Over time the same material is less arousing so you need more novelty to get the same high.

    I transitioned from soft material, to CBT (cock and ball torture) , ballbusting, humiliaton, breathplay, edging, cum eating, blackmail, forced intox, Before pornography i merely had a foot fetish.

    In early childhood i recall a movie scene of a women collaring a guy with her boot against a wall in a movie and i found it arousing.

    Another movie were the guy was on all fours as the women used him as stool. And a similar feeling. This was all due to me not feeling like i was enough to have a healthy ‘normal relationship’ possibly.

    During childhood from age 5-18 i was made to feel like something was wrong with me. I I was bullied at school, didn’t really have a social life, and was rejected and humiliated by the girls in school that i liked. This no doubt lead to deep marks and scars in my deep emotional baggage.

    This stayed till i started daygame. 5 years in, many experiences had, i still had the emotional baggage inside. I still felt the same way. And my addiction was getting worse.

    5 women in the world have videos of me masterbating to them on camera, due to my addiction of blackmail. Every time afterwards i would have instant regret, panic try and get them to delete it, swear i’d never do it again.

    It’s a very crazy feeling. Like you do something you know is going to destroy you, but you can’t help but do it. It’s like you’re “addicted”. I had a similar experience with cum eating.

    Alot has changed since i started this blog on page 1.
    I was convined my only purpose in life was to become a broken, slave to a mistress, living 24/7 in a cage, giving away all my income. Now i see things differently. I see this as an obstacle i need to overcome.

    Towards May 2019 i started to feel quite suicidal and was on the brink of taking my own life. I couldn’t handle the pain. I’m still here.

    It was around the same time, i’d started seeing a therapist/on and off it helped. I then started work with energy coaches, and many other specialists but it’s so damn hard to find people who are skilled in this area.

    A simple google search for “femdom addiction therapist” brings 10 links of videos enticing you back in.

    I am yet to find a single expert or individual who has been through and beaten this completely. I am determined to be the first or i will die trying and will prove for good that’s impossible.

    And slowly i’m moving forward, it’s a linear pathway that sometimes feels like 2 steps forward 1 step back but i’m commited to beating this and then helping others get out of the rut too.
     
  2. fedmom

    fedmom Temporarily Suspended

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    You need to stop doing the femdom for real. Some of the fetishes you described can make you suicidal if you increase serotonin enough after.
     
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  3. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Followed him quite a bit, he has no intention to get better. It gets worse and worse each time. He never put in work to get better. I hope he had someone he knows to give him an intervention asap.
     
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  4. fedmom

    fedmom Temporarily Suspended

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    Yes, I wish I had got help when I was in the addiction phase.
     
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  5. goingwithout

    goingwithout New Fapstronaut

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    I'm gay but I think the same principles apply. I used to pay guys for skype sessions. I don't anymore. The key is to change things. You have to change not only your actions but the way you think, too. The way you see yourself and others plays a huge part in this. That's something you can actively work on.

    What helped me big time was de-constructing the illusion. Because that's what these domme scenes are, illusion. These people are merely a canvas for you to project your fantasies on. They don't have any real power. They just play the act you're paying them for. It's all fake.

    I've chatted to a lot of these online doms and what I found is: Behind everything this person posing as "a master" is just another guy desperate to make ends meet. Maybe not capable to get or hold a steady job. Maybe mentally unstable. Maybe just immature and lazy. Maybe simply lacking focus and direction to do something meaningful with his life.
    Whatever it was, on closer look they were not these admirable personas they were playing on cam. Just average people, with flaws, insecurities, struggles etc. just as you, me and everybody else.

    I realized I was looking for something that's not there. It was mainly ME keeping up the illusion and stopping to do that and getting a realistic view on what was going on was a huge factor in making this fetish lose power.

    I've experienced the other side, too. A guy messaged me on skype and wanted me to be his master. He wanted me to give him humiliating tasks on cam. It was easy money and all I had to do was acting like a jerk. Of course that wasn't me. But he wanted me to play this part and I did. To him I was this ideal of masculinity that he had built in his head. But that's all it was. I never meant anything I said. I was acting. Lying.
    As I see it from my own experience, being a dom is just another sort of prostitution. Anyway, it turned out to be hard for me to stop. I learned what phrases to use and so on and for a while had multiple guys paying me money for basically nothing. It can be a power rush, too. It was kind of like an addiction.
    I'm glad I got out.

    So I recommend you start analyzing. Break the illusion and change your actions, have good and healthy interaction with real people and I believe you can break your habits.
     
  6. It's a positive thing you re seriously seeking for help. I hope you will contact a right person very soon.
     
    Professor Abraham likes this.
  7. A lot of sexual desire is illusion really. I find it helpful to think of the brains sexual functions 'going wrong' in a strictly biological sense. This is not very PC I know, but for those of us who have been wrapped up in such traumatic experiences it does help to overcome what is identified clearly as negative behavior.

    The biological reality is that sex serves a primary purpose: making babies. Everything else is secondary. Everything else is totally unnecessary for 'happiness'.

    If you are a heterosexual guy with no sexual 'abnormality' then you are lucky in that society accepts your sexuality 100%: But even then you will be expected to behave in a way that is consistent with the societal constraints of your culture. These constraints are entirely non-biological, but they are very real. They have 'come about' as: 1. The needs of the many out way the few, 2. Sex is used by the powerful to control the non-powerful (this is IMHO why porn is legal).

    So where does this leave those of us who consider our sexuality to be 'abnormal' (includes me: I have a mild femdom thing going on as well, not as serious as the original posters perhaps, but it is still there and will always be there)? We have to look at this rationally.

    We have to:
    1. Firstly accept our abnormality - it isn't an illness, it cannot be cured in the medical sense - but also accept is is not who we are and that it is not critical to our happiness.
    2. We have to find real strength through abstinence from these desires that lead to negative outcomes for us and others, we have to ignore those (e.g. the porn industry) who would seek to exploit our abnormality. This is when we find control.
    3. We next have to understand that very, very few people are actually totally 'normal' in sexual terms - that most of us are somewhere on the 'abnormality scale' of sexual desire, but that dosn't need to translate into *real* sexual behavior. Remember, sex is first and foremost about making babies. Sorry, but from a biological perspective that is all it is.
    4. Then, when we are in control, when we 'know' we are in control, we can look at ourselves in a positive light. We can harness our true potential as human beings with fantastic futures. We can see the sexual abnormality in our brains as what it is - just a useless bi-product of the evolutionary process that will help no one, especially ourselves.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2020
  8. hyper88

    hyper88 Fapstronaut

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    Firstly, cry and cry and say sorry to God.
    The next step is to keep that in mind and start watching spiritual videos on YouTube and slowly start reading bible verses. Which may feel bit hard at beginning but, trust me; the only way you can completely get rid of this is only via Willpower+God (Bible verses are intelligent). Do see my few posts (nothing much, but, might help few). But, the holy spirit is STILL working inside you. He's crying inside you and want you to leave this hell that you're in..
    I'll pray for you!
     
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  9. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    It’s been 54 days since my last session. Last night I relapsed with messaging mistresses again and then ended up binging a few times last night and then twice today.

    I really don’t know what to do anymore. I was starting to notice real positive changes, even met a nice girl that I liked.

    but I got triggered through seeing a post about a femdom site and then that started the thoughts.

    I start to wonder if I’ll be ever free from the thoughts.

    bottomline I wonder if I’m actually submissive? In my last session the mistresses explained to me 10 years from now you’ll still be craving it because you’re a bottom and doesn’t deserve to be on top.

    I don’t know what to think or believe anymore. How do you figure out your true desires after abstinence?

    Even after 2 months off my mind went back to fantasising about cei and I can’t but think my purpose is to eat my own cum
     
  10. skaterdrew

    skaterdrew Fapstronaut

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    I personally think it's completely porn induced. I believe the arousal you get from this type of porn and fetish will be like pure ecstasy to you.

    In my opinion the only answer is staying away from it long enough so that this will weaken. You also need to get something that is healthy and better in your life. Becaue if your not living a healthy life that you enjoy then it will be more likely that you will eventually return to this unhealthy behaviour.

    Your not an abnormal human. You have been addicted to masturbating to porn for so long that you have reached the stage this sort of weird porn, fantasies and even participating in it is like pure ecstasy to you. Like I said the only way to weaken this and break free from it is to stay away from it long enough, and then also try to change your life for the better. You weren't born this way, this has been conditioned in you after many years of heavy porn use, and indulging in this porn induced fetish.

    Please don't think this is normal, and this is your true sexual orientation. Because it isn't. This is completely porn induced.

    Also please don't feel sorry for your self, because this won't get you anywhere. In fact this will actually likely cause further relapse in this porn, fetish and behaviour.

    No offence, but just grow up, give your self a shake, realise you have done this to your self, don't feel sorry for your self, and try your best to stop all of this, so that you can get your self out of it.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2020
  11. Completely agree with this. As a femdom addict myself, I feel what has helped me was almost 2 years away from pmo. I have tested myself recently , and while I think I am still attracted to the type of femdom sexual acts that controlled me before, I genuinely feel that I am now in total control of my sexuality. I have started Ming again for 'healthy' reasons, but it really is totally healthy - it is for physiological not sexual reasons.. I think we can all be healthy people with a healthy attitude to sex but we have to work at this. We are all different, just because some of us have further to go to get to that point doesn't mean we cannot get there! Stay positive
     
    Maxim Life likes this.
  12. Master Chips

    Master Chips Fapstronaut

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    It is simple in theory; the more a person keeps edging and seeking more fantasies will eventually get to the hardcore porn. To stop this brain wiring you need to stop the cycle, so they weaken and change to normal. You can not moderate, try the new path; treat whatever you are seeking as a PMO and that it should be avoided. So work on not to edge, not to fantasize, not to masturbate. Forget and forgive yourself for what you have approached because really this is not yourself and your true self is much better than this, this applies to everyone in here on this forum.

    Of course any modern whore will tell you that, because you are their money income! it's like asking a drug dealer if there is a way to abstain from drugs. You should cut the whole cycle. When a person wants to repent he won't ask the satan how to do that, but he will escape and ask god to help him.

    Trust me, this kind of feeling will be felt each time a person edges to a sexual material. It will make you lost and feel hopeless that you won't live without it. Which is a total lie.

    Remember that Femdom is not a fantasy we are born with. And once you stop edging and fantasizing you will become much normal and happy and moderate your desires. you will control yourself.

    So Mr.Graham if you read my comment, I hope you start a whole new method, moderation and soft treatment is not the way. Cut the whole cycle and start one to stop PMO.
     
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  13. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    I’ve read a lot over these last few days trying to sense together my life after I had another lapse last night and have been struggling to deal with the mistress and what she said to me and not help but think she’s right.

    she basically said” you don’t deserve to be on top, you deserve to be on your knees”, “ you definitely have a submissive side” and it resonates. She then exploits that as I try to dig e out where the “line” is in submissiveness.

    surely a bit of mutual jump on top of each other is okay, but on my knees cumming in my own face locked in chasity? Where do you draw the line. How much of it is real? Or porn induced? Or who i am?

    I have searched the internet far and wide and have found NOONE who has completely beaten this femdom fetish.

    No one on the planet has beaten the fetish and successfully rewired to the point where femdom doesn’t resonate with them.

    So I dig deep to try and understand my feeling as one thing is for sure, you can’t fight this feeling. You have to give in to understand the root.

    So I wrote down what my true desire is, how a part of me really feels about myself.

    “I’m a pathetic worthless little bitch black slave that doesn’t deserve real women. I deserve to be under their feet broken and I’m a filthy brown paki loser. I don’t deserve white women as a beta bitch slave. I should be punished and grateful for even talking to beauty”

    This is how I feel on the inside. The acts and desires are just a manifestation of this.

    so I dig deeper to understand this feeling and why I feel this way, I acknowledge it to be real.

    I had my parents tell me at a very young age that brown skinned people are hated by everyone, people don’t like us so you have to work hard.

    my earliest childhood memory since coming out of the womb is my first school. I remember leaving the school since one of the girls called me “brownie” and my parents made me change schools. I personally didn’t see the issue but they did.

    i count 4 times where I was forced into sexual acts by females in my life when I was young and didn’t know no better.

    my mother making me kiss her feet, 2 of my aunties doing the same. And another aunt who made me kiss her boobs at night.

    I’m around the age of 5-10 so it’s sexual abuse and probably where my foot fetish started. This also adds to the idea of femdom.

    during primary school and high school I was bullied a lot and was a shy guy who never got any girls, was humiliated for liking the attractive girls and lived a life of just school, home, video games and masterbating.

    when I got to uni things changed. I discovered pickup, which was hope for me and after 5 years I ended up going on a handful of dates and having sex.

    Yet a part of me still feels the same way about myself on the inside. If I had 2 options in life, to live the way I am forever or to only live life for 1 more year, but for that 1 year I’ll be free of femdom, free to do anything I want then I die, I’d take that 1000x over.

    1000x over id take 1 year of life over 90 years more of this femdom bullshit.

    So with this feeling it’s quite easy to see why I’m attracted to femdom and mistresses.

    if I didn’t feel this way about myself I would be attracted to them.

    now after going through the list and asking myself on a deep level, are these things true about me? Is it who I really am? The answer is no.

    I’m not a pathetic worthless bitch who doesn’t deserve women. I just like to feel like that sometimes. I get something from it.

    It acknowledges my feelings of how I used to feel growing up. From young till university.

    I’m just trying hard to figure out what happened in the beginning. From birth till young, where it all went wrong.

    where I started doubting myself becoming a submissive bitch, and hoping that I wasn’t born this way.
     
  14. Master Chips

    Master Chips Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately you have only searched for one view, which is the one you might want. And if you didn't find on web someone who reported that he has beat this fetish DOES NOT mean that it is not treatable. However, As I remember currently there are three members in this forum who have treated this fetish and changed totally to normal sexual desire. Here @MasterRoshi , He responded to you a year back.
    There are also two persons who have stopped it out of this forum, and all of them concluded one thing "Nofap is the solution".

    If you don't take Nofap seriously then you will get worse.. Edging is same as bad as porn, and sometimes worse. One more thing, The internet community won't tell you that Femdom is treatable, same to those with sissy fetish/Shemale fetish/Gay-porn. Very little people will tell you it is treatable, unless it is a sober community as Nofap. The common word you will hear is "Accept yourself" while this is not the truth at all and those who tell that are either not experts or Modern whores (Mistresses).


    You said it, this is a progressive fetish from your foot fetish desires, and it will vanish as you work on yourself in Nofap. You need to put everything done in the past. If you want to get a random life away from this Lying Hypnotic lust, you should look at yourself deep inside and have a decision of a literal change. You should stop yourself from edging, sexting and approaching the your Fetish's heaven, because it is your hell. Just cut it or else it will keep putting you down.

    In the end, of you care about your faith, remember deeply, that this fantasy specifically is not just about a sexual orientation, but it is directly against the base of the Islamic faith. Every sin could be forgiven except this fetish; worshiping an idol.

    If you feel you can't bear it alone, check for a therapist also keep approaching the community here, And never forget that the God who has given you all this life is the only one who can help you to get better :)
     
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  15. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    Man, and I though I was fucked up, justvwatching some hideous stuff. Guess just fanyasy is bad , but fantasy and acting on it is ecen worse...
     
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  16. It sounds like a lot of the reason the way you are the way that you are is because of bad circumstances. The sexual abuse could be a huge part of it. You are so much more than what you have been led to believe. I used to be submissive and watcheda ton of sissy hypno. This kind of stuff is overcomable. What do you want? To be a slave or be free?
     
  17. zyxciz

    zyxciz Fapstronaut

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    Master Chips is giving you some great feedback. I hope you reach out to a therapist and talk about this stuff, it sounds like you don't have healthy role models in your family, especially with the women.
     
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  18. zyxciz

    zyxciz Fapstronaut

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    Also when you relapse, I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly by making a differentiation in your mind. It's not necessarily bad that you have a submissive side, but the way you're acting out is very harmful. Giving away your earnings and being vulnerable to narcissistic women will leave you to be exploited even more.

    I'll give an example of my own experience which will hopefully help you relate to it. I started having a lot of gay thoughts because of porn. However, I don't really think I'm gay because the feelings are fleeting and I usually prefer women. But when the thoughts appear, it's also on the extreme side and very hardcore. For example, I'll think about getting dominated and abused by men. However, when these thoughts appear I try to leave room without judgment in my mind. I might say 'Even if it turns out I'm gay, that might not necessarily be a bad thing. But acting out these fantasies which might literally lead me to be sexually abused by another man IS very harmful. Furthermore quitting porn might lead me to someday have a healthy relationship with a guy. Then we might introduce a reasonable dose of domination role play built on trust.'. Then I think to myself. "Hmm but I might not be gay at all".

    So in your situation you can say/think to yourself: "I'm submissive but that might not necessarily be a bad thing. One day, I will find a woman and we might even experiment with my fantasies. But we will love each other and it will all be based on consensuality and trust. However, acting out on these fantasies in the way I'm doing it is harmful. I need to be mindful of the women I'm listening to because they don't have my interest at mind. It's harmful for me to give away my earnings and allow myself to be manipulated. Moreover, I'm not going to allow my shame to keep me stuck in this cycle. I'm going to do the hard thing and open up to a therapist about my experience so I can move past it".

    I hope that helps you man. I wish you the very best!
     
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  19. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man.

    for me personally I think it’s important to first realise if I actually am. I can’t say that I’m sexually submissive for you, because what if it’s all porn induced?

    I could give in and say it’s “who i am” but before porn all I had was a foot fetish. I fantasied over some images I’d seen in a movie but none of the extreme shit.

    I’m not sure how to find out if I am. Or what I am. I think the majority of men are born the same and unfortunately some have childhood trauma and abuse.

    think about any “normal guy” who isn’t into femdom. If he came across some female telling him he deserves to be locked up and eating his own cum he’d tell her to F off.

    but with me and many others who didn’t have the best upbringing it resonates with the pain and that’s where the attraction lies. It’s like a reaffirmation of the pain.

    So Im struggling to figure this out but I will try and figure it out.

    One thing is for sure, porn is a no-go to move forward.
     
  20. I think it's definitely smart to stay off of porn from this point forward. It's hard but it's possible. The devil likes to tell us a bunch of lies about ourselves and what we deserve. You heard the voice of the devil through these women and he lied to you. You are a child of the most high king. He calls you his son. That's where you get your identity, your purpose. The devil will hold the apple in front of your face and convince you to eat it. And then laugh at you and make you feel bad for doing so. Again I have to ask. What do you truly want? Slavery or freedom?
     
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