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Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by graham55, May 22, 2018.
Thank God your ok
97 days here of 120 180 275 per abstinence contract with wife, we are beating this 2 bones last night inconsequential went away.
hardmode pmo is solving more the sex thing compulsiveness, patience , ADHD (no more meds for 3 weeks), depression (same no meds)fitness level improved, strength definitely increased, varied interest among many other benefits too many to list. I have gained far more than I have lost. she chooses God decides!
I'm so proud of you right now, I think this is the epiphany moment you needed to kickstart getting your life back on track. Never forget that there are people who care about you and are rooting for you!
Good for you!
People who have survived jumping off the Golden Gate bridge relate how they instantly regretted it, as soon as they had jumped. They realized that all of their problems in life could be fixed, except that fact that they had just jumped!
Yes. You have a duty to yourself, and those who love you, to give those a try - because nobody can help you if you're dead.
Others here have stated that anxiety and depression can lessen or go away after enough time away from PMO - but the initial withdrawal can make things worse, first, in some cases.
It will all be ok friend!!! Trust in the process trust in god and trust in the sober ones on here.
I had a long talk last night at my SAA Metting with someone who is 5.5 years sober and it gave me hope. Please hang in there and seek help professionally! Don’t Be ashamed to talk with a therapist about your addiction. It is very possible to recover. Search for a CSAT in your area.
I’m suicidal at times too directly related to my sexual acts... I completely u derstand you and believe there’s hope for us.
Hey just wanted to let the OP know, I just got done with my therapist appointment.
After hearing your post and cries for help, and having my intense depressed thoughts the last few days centered around my sex addiction, I decided to level with her and tell her the darkest secrets of my sex addicion.
Well, we had a great talk and I don’t feel so alone, I feel there’s hope, and she told me I’m not unique. Many many many people think the way I do and many people think like i do and aren’t horrible creeps with no hope.
She assured me that I’m ok, and not abnormal and there’s hope for me. And I can recover.
So to the OP, when we keep things inside our head, they grow. It starts to fester and we think its worse than it really is, we start to think here’s no hope, and that we can’t get out. But that’s not true.
The best thing for you to do is to talk about it. Release the control it has on you. It will save your life! Talk to your loved ones about your depression. Go see a therapist ASAP. Start the healing process by starting the honesty about how you feel inside. Then with a CSAT or another type of therapist, you can slowly talk about the details of your sexual addiction.
Much love for you and others who are in this situation like i have been. There is hope! Please reach out to me anytime for help. I’m here for you!
Hope everyone is doing well, since that last incident I've been doing quite well.
Some changes I've made:
I'm seeing my therapist once a week wheras before we'd have one session and I'd tell her well see how i go, i will do weekly sessions till things get a bit better. Although costly i am finding its helping and you can't really put a price on that.
I know do gratefulness journaling every morning every day i think it is helping.
I wrote a letter to my younger self a dressing when i was bullied and i think it helped me to heal.
I've know been on no PMO for 14 days but I'm starting to face a different problem.
for the last few months I've known about a mistress who i was emailing regarding becoming her fulltime slave but she was in another country and her website said she'd be back in July.
I always knew this in the back of my mind and yesterday i went on her website and saw a phone number updated so i texted her.
I know porn is bad and I'm working to stop it completely, i no longer have the urge to watch porn but instead want to do it for real, become a live-in slave.
I have this urge to be broken,humiliated and made to be a little shit.
Now my problem is that if my fetishes were just porn induced I could easily say these fetishes have developed through porn de-sentisation but that's not the case for me.
before porn i had a foot fetish, saw a movie when i was younger where a woman collared a guy with her boot(still can't find this movie) but i found it arousing, and wanted a bigger girl at school to squash me.
I don't ever plan on going back to porn if i slip I'll dust off and try again just because porn kills your dopamine receptors in the brain i know it's bad. My therapist says it takes at least 3-5months off porn completely for most people to even get those receptors back and this hit me hard when she said it.
It's hard because there are all these fetishes that are damaging, humiliating extreme and sickening i want them for real now not through porn.
I don't know what to do but will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow and update, would appreciate any feedback on the matter, cheers
This is mostly porn fantasy. I think the way you talk about "i want them for real now not through porn" is fantasy, too. You're too porn addicted to know what you want for real.
If you reboot properly, you'll have a better idea what you want "for real" and what you don't. Maybe you will want to be dominated by a woman, in which case you can start looking for a proper relationship involving that. I think that's hard to achieve (because relatively few straight women are interested in it but lots of straight men are) but it is possible, and would look very different from a porn fantasy.
But you need to reboot first. if you don't, you'll do something stupid like sign up to be the slave of an internet dominatrix. That's just another way of doing porn.
These fetishes are just the result of low self esteem and problems with self worth, feeling like you dont deserve a proper relationship where you are equal with a loving partner. There isn't anything inherently wrong with different sexual dynamics but to me its obvious that you are being twisted by porn and need help, and that by feeding the beast you just make it stronger. You dont really want this, believe me, its just your addicted mind trying to tell you that you do.
Wise up, and make the change before its too late!
Surprise suprise, i admit that i have a porn/cam problem and i dont want to do it again, after messaging the dominatrix on text and wishing her a good sleep tonight, i go home, re-add my blocked skype mistress and have another joi session. Day 14 reset to day 0. Meeting my therapist tomorrow morning.
Atomictango your post seems to make sense to me and i wish i'd seen it before i made the decision to cum to a mistress. Why is it obvious to you that i'm being twisted by porn? Just curious as i can't see it myself
We addicts never do, so don't beat yourself too much for this. I'm glad you're in this forum seeking wisdom from other fellow addicts. We've all been there and done that.
Stay strong and positive Bro!
You cant see it because you are so far down the PMO rabbit hole that you cant even see the sky anymore. It simply isn't normal or healthy to have these fetishes have such a prominent role in your life, this is proven wholesale by the fact that you seriously considered suicide not long ago. Its not normal to WANT to be degraded to the point you are a slave to someone else a little bit of kinky stuff to spice it up might be OK in certain circumstances but what you want is WAY, WAY TOO FAR, and just as fantastical and unhealthy as jumping out of a window thinking you will somehow fly.
Feeding this addiction, feeding this mental health issue (low self worth and esteem is a mental health issue, it may not be as obvious as something like bipolar disorder, autism, or something along those lines, but it still is something to take very seriously), will do nothing but kill you slowly over time, starting with what little self respect you have left, and then once you run out of ways to support this delusional fantasy, you will be out on your ass with nothing to live for, and then maybe you wont just be considering suicide. If that scares you it should, you need to be taking this very seriously and try as hard as you can to overcome this, which I know you are capable of. You deserve a healthy loving relationship with a woman who sees you AS THE MAN YOU ARE, not as some disgusting slave to be taken advantage of.
I'm pretty sure a lot of the people who make sissy content are miserable and just want to make others miserable. Thankfully I never got into that side of porn because it was never appealing at all (I watched a lot of porn that involves submission and dirty talk but I hate degradation, for me it had to be clearly passionate otherwise it would turn me off, I would sometimes stumble upon videos with women insulting the viewer and would always say out-loud "fuck off you ugly cow" and then click off), but I can see why others do. Its a slippery slope for sure.
Glad to hear you’re doing okay Graham! Take it one day at a time and try not to focus on counting days. I’ve had fantasies similar to yours maybe not quite as extreme but they’re porn induced. Follow the advice here and from your therapist it takes time to heal then you’ll be your true self and know what you want. I’m struggling with a chastity problem myself but I keep saying I need to get better.
When you get depressed or feel worthless go to the gym. You’ll feel pumped afterwards trust me it’s better than a dopamine high from porn. Don’t worry what others think I just started bench pressing starting with the bar and light weights. I was conscious about it but then I said why? If you don’t do it you’ll never grow. Now I have experienced people who help me and give me pointers.
Hello brothers, in the morning i woke up feeling terrible, i didnt want to wake up.
whilst in the shower started thinking about the option of becoming a live in slave and got aroused and was so close to just staying home all day and jerking off eating cum getting more fucked up, i even texted the live in mistress if we could meet today, she hadnt replied.
I had a scheduled session with the therapist and for some reason i didn't want to send that text of "hey i need to cancel" i figured id go for the session then come home and jerk off. Well fuck that.
I went to the session and it was again very helpful and eye opening.
we talked alot about where I'm at now, me wanting to become a live in slave.
when i think about it too myself i know for sure I'm not doing it for the happiness, i don't imagine myself being a live in slave and being happy, it's the opposite.
I'm attracted to the degradation, being broken and broke, and destroyed "put in my place".
Now this is the thing, all my life I've been told I'm different because I'm short, have dark skin, smaller frame.
my parents themselves said to.me"your black, you have dark skin, you will have to work alot harder, you're worthless basically" now i know this is bullshit.
my therapist told me about how often bullies and in this case my parents are just "projecting there own fears and insecurities onto others" and i know this is true.
anyway so i had this happening to me not just from my parents, but "friends" at school and even girls so naturally its going to fuck your self esteem up.
Now this is what is known as a life script, which is essentially the script you replay over and again over again in your life.
for instance sometimes people who were abused get into abusive relationships because it's a familiar feeling.
similarly the reason why i want to be degraded, humiliated and broken is because it's familiar to me. It's pain that i haven't healed.
now you can change your lifescripts so i plan to write an imaginary letter to my parents healing there past actions aswell as creating a new life script for myself.
she also asked another interesting question, "when was the last time you masterbated without porn or femdom fantasy" i couldn't remember , it explains the link that's been created with masterbation/orgasm and femdom.
I need to break that link.
another interesting thing which ill want to talk to her more about next time is the pain. When i watch femdom/have session I like the physical self inflicted pain, and she mentioned self harm as a way of changing the focus on the emotional pain being done but i don't fully understand it.
To summarize when i asked her what she thought about me becoming a live in slave for month she said, look if you said to yourself after you did some healing, changed your life script to a happier place and then decided to do Femdom then fine, but right now its not from a healthy place so try and hold off on it for a little till your healthy.
I agree. And it confirms some of the comment you guys made about the situation so i thank you for those comments. Breaking this down into actionable steps though it means.
1•healing- this means at least 3-5months no porn.
2.re-write life script-
3.posotive re-assurance /1 thing i like about myself, i will add this onto my daily journaling.
I will do 3* everyday, i will write *2tonight and work towards *1 everday.
brothers we can beat this thing, knowledge is power so let's do this.
thank you for the support
This is a good plan. You seem to be doing better than before you are working on yourself. May you overcome this and heal.
This is a good plan of attack, and I hope you are able to use it to recover. I think you will find that, given enough time and effort, these fantasies and urges will fade and you will feel a lot better.
To update, after my therapy session and a great 2 hours in nature of doing some productive work, i stopped it and went home and pmo'd. x2 with a cam mistress, the following day Wednesday, i went to work come home and had another cam session. And now Thursday i've just had another session so i've had a bit of binge.
I still find myself texting the mistress to become a live in slave and trying to find a mistress to blackmail me into eating my cum. fuck.
Sounds like you need to install some sort of web filter on all your devices so its impossible to access these sites. That and stop spending so much time inside. You need a hobby, something that takes you outside the house.