becoming a live-in slave

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by graham55, May 22, 2018.

  1. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

    Hey mate could you talk a bit more about your last sentance. "But you need to reboot first. if you don't, you'll do something stupid like sign up to be the slave of an internet dominatrix. That's just another way of doing porn"

    If i don't reboot i'll just do something stupid like sign up to be slave of an internet dom? Why is this?
  2. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

    I always block all the skype mistresses but re-add them, similarly re-texting the mistress after i delete her number, but this is fucking enough.

    Porn is an addiction that i will now actively try and reboot to atleast 30 days. The long goal being 3-5 months. This is the thing i questioned why is that i have this urge to go and find a mistress to become a live in slave, and it was clear to me that it wasn't even about the sexual gratification, pain or anything like that. It boiled down to 3 things. I wanted to be "degraded, humiliated and broken" this is reflected in cam sessions when i first add these mistresses i ask them for the "most extreme things they do because i want them to break me and keep me humiliated and ruined".

    Once i realized this it is much easier to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Now UkbritishBloke and my therapist both suggested that i need to heal atleast 3-5 months (She said) and Ukbritishbloke saying "reboot" basically the same thing so then i will be in a healthier place to know what i want.

    Maybe i will want to be dominated by woman but i think that's different to be being completely degraded, humiliated and broken. Thus i can conclude that if i get rid of this need to be wanting to be degraded, humiliated and broken (lets calls this d/h/b), then the need to see a dominatrix and be her slave will go aswell.

    When i think about a session with a mistress taking out the d/h/b it's really just a bit of fun with a girl who is in control which to me doesn't sound like a bad thing once in a while.

    Now the biggest question is why, why do i want to be degraded, humiliated and broken, I feel like i'm being put in my place, and that's what i deserve.

    Now throughout my life there have been instances with woman who i liked but didn't like me back , bullies, my parents, and several other instances where i've felt degraded, humiliated and broken. It is quite humiliating in school when you like a girl she doesn't like you back and everyone finds out and teases you about it.

    Similarly i had been degraded by my parents, "bullies", girls. Now i think this must have something to do with the "life scripts".

    So that is my life script when i watch these videos/engage in these behaviours its hitting the same part of the brain as when i was told these things re-inforcing them.

    Now this is the thing, if you said all of this to me before 2014 it would make sense, but now it doesn't. In 2014 i made a lot of big changes in my life and i lost my virginity, and dated multiple women, this continued into 2018 over the last 4 years. I have been on many dates and had sex with a handful of amazing girls but i have always been watching femdom porn in the background but it's like up and down.

    I'd have some positive experiences with girls then i'd watch porn and be fucked for a a few weeks or days. I'd pickmyself backup and have some more positive expiences then watch porn and repeat for the last 4 years.

    It doesn't make sense to me all this bullshit of "being in your place, and "what you deserve" because i've had several life experiences in the last 4 years that i know mean that it's not true and that i am indeed attractive bla bla. So logically i know it's not true but on an emotional level i don't believe it.

    So i have to try and fix it on an emotional level.
    Buzz Rees likes this.
  3. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    Hey dude, sorry to hear you’re still struggling. I’ve got a few questions for ya.

    First, you mentioned you go to therapy. Have you told your therapist the truth about all this? Have you held anything back from him/her?

    Second, I know too well the wanting to quit but not being able to because the pull of PMO and specifically degradation is too strong. I found that wishing or selfwill-ing it to be different didn’t work for me. Only after I did a bunch of daily practices did the cycle stop. Are you doing anything daily to break this cycle of PMO? If so, what?
  4. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    I also wanted to mention that I too share the need for degradation. There was something about being completely controlled that was freeing. I had some very traumatic experiences throughout my childhood and it seems like somehow making the choice to be degraded was in a way me expressing my power. Where me giving up all control was freeing.

    Another part of it for me was insanely low self esteem. I was suicidal often or at the very least, thinking life really sucks. So I would just chase this high of being degraded. The adrenaline rush of giving up all control and being pushed further than I could have ever imagined was the thing that allowed me to escape from this messed up life for just a moment.

    In those moments where I was pushed beyond my comfort zone was one of the only times I felt free. Towards the end I was searching for masters online that could push me beyond my last session. And anyone too tame I would throw away quickly, and search for the most aggressive and demanding master to instantly push me to the darkest most extreme degradation.

    This led me to do things, that in the moment gave me the most freedom and pleasure, but after I orgasmed left me feeling horrible. Some of these acts could have led to me being arrested, possibly ruin relationships, put loved ones in danger, and permanatly harm my body...I was chasing the high (that feeling of freedom) that came from being pushed to the most disgusting depths.

    Just to mention. That since no PMO for over 100 days, this need for degradation and the low self esteem and the sadness for life had dramatically improved. And I’m finally able to work through the feelings and experiences form my past that caused me to be this way.

    I Don’t think it would have been possible to work through this if I was still chasing the PMO drug. I needed to be sober in order to do this.
  5. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

    What I was saying was:

    If you first try to decide "Do I really want to be dominated by a woman?", before you reboot, then your decision will be totally poisoned by porn, and you'll do something stupid like keep watching porn, or signing up to an online dominatrix.

    If you reboot first, ***properly***, then any decision you take further down the line about whether you want to be dominated by a woman will be a better one.

    All I'm saying is that you need to reboot properly, now. It's not complicated.
    graham55 and MasterRoshi like this.
  6. Jack of Clubs

    Jack of Clubs Fapstronaut

    Mate you need to quit the Internet nevermind porn. I'm not even joking.
  7. positivefunction

    positivefunction Fapstronaut

    Do nofap for 90 days. Just 90 days.

    But do it properly.

    Then see if you still feel the same way..
    graham55 likes this.
  8. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

    Day 0 last night after 11 days. Willpower is not enough, habits and daily actions are not enough to beat this..
  9. nef

    nef Fapstronaut

    It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. - Emiliano Zapata
  10. Arms.R.heavy

    Arms.R.heavy Fapstronaut

    You may want to consider deleting this. I'm sure you mean well, but this is not the type of thing you want to say to someone fighting an addiction & suicidal thoughts.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2018
    robesho likes this.
  11. Arms.R.heavy

    Arms.R.heavy Fapstronaut

    11 days is an accomplishment. This is only a small set back. you can get back up.
  12. JouleTrader

    JouleTrader Fapstronaut

    Dude that's just fucking whacked.
    Are you THAT submissive?
    Don't do that shit, from me and all the bros here.
    You gonna give ALL your money to some bitch to degrade, abuse and emasculate you?

    I think you need hypnotherapy man.... You need a total reset.
    Don't do that shit. You'll end up a broken, penniless man. The risks of suicide is real.
    ArsenalAffliction likes this.
  13. Lampilis

    Lampilis Fapstronaut

    I completely agree. You need to stop in time, it will not lead to good. Only make yourself worse.
  14. Keep going @graham55 , your are doing ok, each time you win with a streak you get stronger. It takes time.
    I agree with @Jack of Clubs , you gotta consider ditching the computer man. Seriously. Or go and find a rehab retreat far away from technology, long enough for your brain to recover and gain some rational ground.
    Stay strong brother. KOw
    MasterRoshi likes this.
  15. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    Good advice here.

    What’s so craZy about recovery is everyone needs something different to get and stay sober, and if we’re not honest about our needs then we will fall.

    I’ve found the only way for me to remain sober is if I have a deep honest look at myself, cast aside all insecurity and judgment I may feel and really do what i need in the moment to stay sober. As long as I remain at this level of honesty I seem to be doing ok.

    I personally didn’t need to get rid of electronic devices or go to a retreat, but if you feel that’s your journey, then don’t fight it!! Go go go! Do do do!

    I do loads of daily work to remain sober that others might not need to do, but I know I don’t Ever want to go back to PMO addiction so I remain honest and diligent in doing what I need to stay sober. If I don’t I’m confident I’ll relapse.
    Arms.R.heavy likes this.
  16. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

    Had another joi cam session , this time with blackmail for real again. After cumming i felt immediate regret and tried to get her to delete the pictures she took but she said she wouldn't. I can't force her to do anything now and it's fucked. A girl out there has pictures of me jerking off. I'm tired of shit. I'm honestly fucking tired. Why am so i compelled to do these things but afterwards i feel such regret. I just want to take a plane tonight forget about work tomorrow and fly somewhere for a week and just sort this shit out. This is fucking bullshit.
  17. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

    Boy am i on a roll tonight, another session another blackmail, another woman out there with pictures of me jerking off.
  18. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you're having a bad time at the moment, mate.
    Could it be that you've just answered your own question?
    Can't you do exactly that?
    If not today, then book it, and get it in the diary.
    Take-off for a week, and just give yourself a holiday from this?
    Read some novels, get some rest, and tune out.
    It's not running away.
    It's breaking the cycle.
    Arms.R.heavy and graham55 like this.
  19. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

    Thankyou for pointing this out to me, tomorrow/the following day is a big day at work so i can't leave because it would put them in the shit, and jeaporidse my position/ relationship with them. On Sunday i will take 3 days off just to figure this shit out i need some alone time without any obligations and maybe it will help. Thank you for helping me to see it mate.
    Gmork likes this.
  20. Arms.R.heavy

    Arms.R.heavy Fapstronaut

    Keep fight brother i believe you can overcome this.

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