Its been 72 hours since I last MO'd. I recently sort of figured out some of the reasons why I use PMO as an escape. I stopped believing in the belief systems I was brought up with, realized what I really want in life. Sadly, most of the things I want in life go against societal norms and in pursuing my own path that would make me happy I'd end up hurting a lot of people whom I love dearly. When I questioned and rejected my belief systems, I lost a fundamental part of myself. I have definitely grown in a way, grasped a deeper understanding of things and feel 'awake'. The problem is that, when I look around, I realize I am completely alone. I know I have to make some very drastic changes in my life and make equally hard decisions. Whenever I think about these things and my future, I get this suffocating feeling of helplessness. The only thing that makes me numb to these feelings is PMO. I am not able to fall asleep unless I PMO. And when I wake up the next day, the whole cycle of hopelessness begins again. The past 3 days I have controlled myself from doing it but what I feel is actually worse. I can sense myself slipping into dark depression.