Been married for 20 years but just can't tell her

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Thelasttime1092, Feb 7, 2020.

  1. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Don't bother, man. I already told my girl (now ex) about my pmo, and look what happened: She left me. :(
     
  2. Thelasttime1092

    Thelasttime1092 Fapstronaut

    24
    15
    3
    Sorry about that. Hope you're ok. Hoping to avoid that fate.
     
  3. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    And what I've known is that when it comes to relationships or marriages, is that we gotta choose which to leave and which to keep. PMO or a serious relationship.

    Being a PMO addict while in a relationship is a real no go. Can't have both. It can affect not only you, but also your wife. Like it affected and ruined my relationship I had. Now I'm finding ways to win her back.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
  4. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I agree with the sentiment. Knowing what I know now, I definitely would not enter a marriage while addicted to PMO. As marriages progress, things get complicated... finances, kids, possibility of having to restart a new life. The longer the marriage the more devastating the divorce will be. Many many people go into divorces for the right reasons and come out of them even more broken. I would say that, 90% of the time telling your significant other is the right course of action. 10% of the time, maybe you dont tell her but you work hard to get to a point where you can tell her.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
    Thelasttime1092, Lilla_My and MJ93 like this.
  5. PaulPaul

    PaulPaul Fapstronaut

    238
    351
    63
    I have been writing and rewriting a reply to this several times. It's a difficult one. To tell or not to tell, that's the question.

    I did tell my wife. Our marriage has been under stress for several other reasons and the pmo addiction was a severe blow. But it did not end the relationship (yet). For me, it was a huge relief to not walk around with this secret. It also motivated me in my recovery. Basically, by telling I killed one of the key drivers of pmo.

    For my wife it is very difficult, and she is still coping with it. Of course she was angry and felt betrayed. The most difficult part is trusting the other person. 'Did he, does he ...' and your imagination fills in the blanks with negative projections. This is work in progress.

    But I don't regret telling. I'm a truthful person and keeping secrets drags me down. But the truth, 30 years of virtual betrayal, hurts. I remember that back in the early 1990's when the internet started, there were predictions of the future. 'Cybersex' was one of them. It quickly became a reality and though I said I would never be as stupid as to replace real relationships with virtual ones, I did. It is virtual, online betrayal. Different from a physical affair but emotionally on the same level. This is an insight I had to accept many months after I quit p. I could not accept it at the beginning. I completely denied it during the addiction.

    Anyway, this is all my opinion and my experience. It will be different for other people.
    I wish you all the best!
     
    MJ93, CLaYFiRC, Jonnyb4 and 4 others like this.
  6. Thelasttime1092

    Thelasttime1092 Fapstronaut

    24
    15
    3
    I hear you. I have no doubt that keeping this huge secret is betrayal that’s hurting our marriage (to say the least). And for me, I have no doubt revealing my secret would kill the marriage altogether. So I’m weighing two really bad options. Of course I shouldn’t have gone into the marriage in the first place (for many reasons, but at least I should have dealt with my pmo first), but you don’t know you’re addicted until you’re addicted. My hope (perhaps naive) is that I can turn things around for me without sharing my problem, and manage to not tear down the house of cards, as others have stated.
     
  7. Thelasttime1092

    Thelasttime1092 Fapstronaut

    24
    15
    3
    And I’m hoping there’s 1% of the time you word hard on yourself and your marriage and never have to tell her! But first things first. Always appreciate your insightful posts.
     
  8. CLaYFiRC

    CLaYFiRC Fapstronaut

    That's a really tricky situation. Personally I would tell her. However, I'm not you and do not know anything about your marriage and/or wife other than what you provided here.

    I told my fiancée about my PMO addiction a few years into us dating. We've been together for almost 8 years, but we've known each other almost our whole lives. Telling her was a huge weight off my shoulders. I still kept relapses secret, because I was afraid our relationship would end. We were already on thin ice, and I didn't want to lose her. Eventually I came clean. She was more understanding about it then I would have ever thought she'd be. Now that it's all in the open, our relationship is getting stronger than ever. We both have issues we're facing, but we're now facing them together.

    Like others have said, you should work on yourself. Prove to yourself that you can change and overcome this addiction. I strongly urge you to eventually tell your wife though. She deserves the truth. The longer you wait to tell her, the worse it will be. Maybe once you've proven and shown you're better and stronger, she'll be more understanding. Not judging you by any means; I'm just simply offering my 2 cents.

    Good luck!
     
  9. Thelasttime1092

    Thelasttime1092 Fapstronaut

    24
    15
    3
    Thx! It’s already been many years, so it can’t get any worse. I’m now working on myself as best I know how. We’ll see if I ever get to the point where I can tell her. Highly doubt it. She deserves the truth, no doubt. But not to be overly dramatic, both our lives would be ruined.
     
  10. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    223
    201
    43
    Very good explanation. I too suffer anxiety bc i felt relationship can make men feel trapped at time. Glad to have helpful yet gentle advice from you. This js very progressive ratherthan comments like "you must" or "you must not". Thanks again for much mature response.
     
    iwillwinthese likes this.

Share This Page