I hate that I am back here... I have been addicted to porn since I was 12 years old.. I used to love running around outside and playing sports, and then the hormones kicked in... Obviously it all started out as normal. Experimentation, fun, release... but as the years went on I felt something was wrong.. I didn't know or understand what was wrong but PMO was all i could think about. I did not feel like myself. I felt like a shell of myself, I felt insecure, I felt like something was wrong with me. Although I never placed it on my addiction. It was not until after high school that I started to understand what was the cause of it all.. My addiction to porn. But try as I might, I could not shake it. I tried very hard but as we all know, an addiction is an addiction and trying to combat it alone and cold turkey was not the process that would make me shake my addiction. As long as I kept myself busy, I was fine.. But as soon as I was alone (and that could just be walking home from the bus stop), my mind would wonder and it would not be long before I was behind my computer, even though every time I would hate myself just a little bit more. I discovered this website a few years ago, and started scrolling through. I would read the threads, and this helped a lot! I could read other peoples symptoms and their changes in personality and way of life, and see these similarities in my life. I decided to make a change, and start posting as well.. Nothing else had worked so far so why not?? It worked.. I can't say I kicked it completely (because why else would I be back here) but I felt in control a bit more. I could go a few days without PMOing, something I could never do before. I think my previous goal was 12 days, but I'm not entirely sure. Anyway I went well for a few years, having relapses but ultimately holding off.. until recently.... The last few months have been hell! I have fallen back off the wagon! and hard.. I hate myself again, I am unsure of myself, I feel like a shell, my personality has slowly gone.. When I began again I kept telling myself 'Its ok, you are fine now! You are in control.' 'one more isn't bad' 'you still feel normal, its ok to do every now and then'. But I wasn't fine, I wasn't in control, and I no longer feel normal. What is worse I am in a loving relationship, and this girl is one of the best things that has happened to me, and I feel like we are losing what had, all because of my addiction. It is tearing me up inside but for some reason I can not stop. I have had enough.. AGAIN! I am back and hopefully this will not only get me back on track but it will save the best thing that has happened to me in awhile! If you have made it this far, thank you for listening to my story. It means a great deal to me. I would love to hear from any of you about your struggles and successes. Having people to talk to about it and place where I can confide will mean a lot and give me the opportunity to give back to the community that has helped me so much as well. So please feel free to post and I will reply Good luck to everyone here and to me!