Beginning of something BIG!

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by yorainbow, Jul 20, 2021.

  1. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    I'm a 25 years old guy, I have decided to study again, almost 7 years of gap after 12th class.

    Here's it all started:-
    I still remember that day when I watched porn for the first time , in 2011 when I was fifteen years old, and a senior from my school showed it to me. Being a studious , topper student I never indulged in any kind of bad stuff during my school (being from India where parents keep strict and sometimes suffocating rules for their kids ,internet was a luxury at that time for a lower middle class family) and my first experience with porn was SHOCKING, my heart was beating very fast , i was all red and it wasn't pleasing for me. But it triggered a curiosity in me so I tried to watch it again , later i discovered masturbation and it was like cloud nine experience, and then the loop continued.....

    Later My Academic performance dropped, and now I wasn't a topper of my class, just an average student.

    And one more thing to add that I'm gay. I always felt like it from childhood, when there was no porn in my life.for ex. in primary school whenever a hot guy of my class sits besides me my hearbeat goes up, i feel something , butwhenever a hot girl sits then i didn't felt anything, just normal.
    Being gay for a teenager is very difficult in country like INDIA and although I was not out publicly ,few in my class knew about me. And whenever there is something related to LGBT , my classmates / friends used to make fun or bully .So i reduced / stopped talking to them, I used to socialize very little, and was in my own bubble.
    Every time I feel bad or bored i would move to Porn and masturbate.

    And in 2014 I lost my grandfather, to whom I was very close, He was very kind to me always helped me in every circumstances. I was depressed and instead of going to psychiatrist, i was again in that PMO loop, because it gave me a temporarily relief. and the loop continued.....for next years.

    Fast Forward to 2020 when there was Lockdown in whole country, It was very stressful because no jobs, nothing to do and it was a waking call for me, Immediately I got an appointment from a psychiatrist and i was prescribed SSRIs for curing my depression (causes of depression were :- loss my grandfather, social stigma a LGBTQ person has to face, and failures in academics, and Porn addiction etc...). my depression is now cured after one year of medication. BUT that PMO loop is still going, not that intense but it is still there and I am here To break that loop,
    To live the life to fullest and achieve my goals and crack the entrance exams ,although it is very Tough for a general category candidate to crack these exams ( because of reservations) in INDIA. but I have got the courage!.

    I came out to my family, recently and they supports me , loves me. and I am blessed to have parents like them.
    But for my nofap journey I will be needing someone to whom i can talk to openly w/o hesitation, and people can talk to me, thanks to the fabulous nofap community.
    Looking forward for a better future.

    THANK YOU VERY MUCH for reading. Appreciated!
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2021
  2. BulletinNew

    BulletinNew Fapstronaut

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    20 yo gay from Germany here, I wish you all the best for your journey, if you have any questions you can message me, I am currently on 34 days of no PMO!:)
     
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  3. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    TYSM buddy will surely text you.
     
  4. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    on day 1
    I didn't feel anything different , didnt feel the urge ,day was pretty smooth.
    currently I'm Reading and exploring material on nofap.com and yourbrainonporn.com . and I found it very useful.
    and many stories and experiences are relatable to my experiences / habits. will be reading more , so that i dont repeat the same mistakes.
    will update next day.
    thanks
     
    Gaymale likes this.
  5. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    Day 2 :- different than previous day

    waked up in the middle of the night with a boner, was feeling an urge. thankfully I have read on ybop.com about what to do when you feel an urge, it was very cold in the night so can't take a cold shower then I decided to do some physical activity :- jumping jacks, push ups, squats, and stretches. after doing it felt good , urge decreased, but was not able to sleep. OVER YEARS I have developed this BAD HABIT, whenever sleep didn't come, I used to masturbate on bed, and then sleep immediately . I was tossing around in the bed for almost 2 hours, But this time I didn't give up.
    And then finally slept. (if someone has experienced it please write what you do overcome urge in that situation)

    When I waked up in the morning ,I felt good, I was proud of myself , I was happy that I didn't give up the previous night. The feeling was awesome!. And the rest day passed like a cakewalk.

    THANK YOU for reading. have a great day ahead!
     
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  6. Gaymale

    Gaymale Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    I've read about the social stigma for LGBTQ people in india, I understand it has only recently been made legal to be openly gay.

    I think you are very brave to come out to your family and I am truly happy for you that they have chosen to accept you for who you are.

    I'm currently on day 5, you're welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to.

    My best wishes to you.
     
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  7. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    I know what you meant, but this made me LMFAO bro. :D :D In England a slang word for masturbating is "tossing"! :rolleyes: :p
     
  8. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    Hi! Buddy
    Social stigma / homophobia is extreme especially in small Towns and cities in INDIA, like currently where I live I can't even imagine of coming out publicly, and people near me on dating apps like grindr are worst almost 95% of them are straight horny desperate boys.
    In big cities (like DELHI, MUMBAI, CHANDIGARH etc) it is relatively much easier to live openly.

    It definitely takes lot of courage , when I finally gathered courage of coming out ,In my head I was thinking that either they have to accept me or I will leave home. and now I am very grateful for them, they supports me, They insisted me to study again and get settled in BIG cities so that I can Live my Life openly and to fullest.

    currently I am looking for whatsapp or telegram groups where people (specially queer) can talk in realtime and support each other in their nofap journey.

    TYSM it feels very good to talk / write here.
     
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  9. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    :emoji_sweat_smile:LOL even I'm laughing while writing now, I should have written "tossing and turning in bed".
    I didn't know that tossing meant masturbating!:D
     
  10. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    DAY : 3
    Pornography topic was trending In news headlines in INDIA. So I was curious about what happened and searched it on Internet. It triggered me to search more and was exposed to porn for 2-3 minutes, out of curiosity.
    and then immediately to escape from the urge I turned off the computer, and went out to roam around, eat street food etc. and felt good after socializing.

    after reaching home took ice cold bath. COLD SHOWERS are extremely helpful to me in overcoming the urge.
    Till now I'M feeling awesome that I didn't give up and maintained my streak.


    JOURNALING here is an inspiring factor. It keeps me on track. whenever urge comes I also think in my head that I will not give up , I will not masturbate, I have to write it on journal, I have to be accountable.

    I am preparing a list of changes / activities to add in my routine that will help me in this jouney . will update about it in upcoming days.

    TYSM
     
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  11. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    Yeah! :emoji_grinning::emoji_laughing::emoji_joy:
     
  12. Gaymale

    Gaymale Fapstronaut

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    Its often the case that smaller communities are more traditional and less likely to accept change.

    In England, larger cities such as London and Manchester have a lot of support groups for gay people but in smaller towns there is nothing.

    It took a few decades for the more liberal values of city people to filter into the smaller communities.

    When my boyfriend and I lived in the city, we could walk around holding hands and kiss in public. We have since moved to a small town and people often stare at us and a few people have tried to intimidate us. We don't want the trouble so we don't hold hands in public anymore.

    I'm sorry to hear that the situation where you live is still very hostile. I hope that with each new generation, people become less judgemental of gay people and you get more freedom to express yourself.

    Having your family's support will help you a lot. Keepibg secrets from your family is very isolating.

    When I was a teenager, I hid my sexuality from my Father who was very homophobic. He once became physically violent when he found I had used the family computer to look at gay porn.

    It took until my early 20s to come out to my parents, my Father waz very disappointed but eventually came around. I felt like a great weight had been lifted when I came out. Even if my Father was disappointed, at least I was free to be myself.

    I think that studying and moving to the city to live openly is the best thing you could have done.
     
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  13. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    yep, people in small cities are mostly judgemental and doesn't welcome the changes, very orthodox.

    A month ago I watched documentary "QUEER BRITAIN" on youtube .And I was surprised to see that queer people in UK also have to face this kind of discrimination / homophobia. sadly Homophobia exists everywhere ,in some places it is of extreme level.

    Yes. keeping secrets from the people you love, your family is very isolating. It was very suffocating. that's why I took the final decision of coming out to them. and now my family is my power. Now we are even emotionally more closer. and My father inspired me to study again, be successful & rich , and said to me " live your life to fullest , go and start something new, excel in academics , so that no one dare to mock you or criticize you for your sexuality". It definitely feels better after coming out.

    Sorry to hear that u have to go through that physical violent, with time everything fixes.
    You know :emoji_sweat_smile::emoji_sweat_smile:I was also caught ,when I was 15 ,my father found porn videos in mobile. It was straight one so he didn't payed much attention and told me to never watch them again.

    I'm glad to hear that you are living with your boyfriend , living your life. awesome!

    TYSM its very nice talking to you. have a great day!
     
  14. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    day :5
    was pretty smooth, no urges ,nothing at all!.

    I have added dance workout to my routine, I have done a 50 minutes intermediate dance workout session on cult.fit and it was awesome ( have downloaded almost all of their dance workout videos/ sessions with IDM, as I Don't want to spend money on monthly subscription :D:D). and NOTICED that after almost completely exhausting myself with exercise / dance , I feel fabulous, a sense of winning when sweat comes during the exercise. ENJOYED IT a lot! . also after physical exercise there's no chance of getting an urge + the benefit of ENDORPHINS is enormous + quality of sleep improved, earlier I used to woke up in middle of night but now it is not.
    I'M REALLY ENJOYING JOURNALING HERE.

    THANKS!
     
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  15. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    RELAPSED
    I relapsed on Sunday, to morning erections. felt bad for some time, but this time I didn't binge, no porn or artificial stimulation. and this is an improvement. previously before joining the nofap community I used to binge porn and masturbate 4-5 times during relapse. ( read on ybop.com that binge is harmful ), then I felt good because I have improved, I'm better than the previous version of me.

    will search about how to avoid urges due to morning woods and not relapse.
     
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  16. Melkhiresa

    Melkhiresa Fapstronaut

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    unless you go live in isolation can't escape urges man, but they can be overcome...or so i'v read myself i cannot.
     
  17. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    I agree you are right, urges will come (coz we all got hormones), it depends on how we overcome the urges.
     
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  18. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    Started again: Day 1 & 2

    Watched some good movies with family to distract me from the guilt after relapse. I really enjoyed watching it with them.

    I have joined the ART OF LIVING 3-day workshop to learn Sudarshan Kriya( a powerful breathing + meditation technique) it has immense benefits, research papers are available on the internet about this, And I will also be sharing my experiences and results after doing it for some days.
     
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  19. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    Day 3,4,5 & 6 :
    Was busy with work and yesterday completed the ART OF LIVING YES+ course. It was a very wonderful, calming experience. Only 3 days and I learned many things from it:-
    • Sudarshan Kriya:- a breathing + meditation exercise .eliminates stress and improve physical and emotional well-being. will be very helpful in my NoFap journey. ( https://bit.ly/3jbmhte )
    • yoga asanas
    • life lessons/skills/counseling etc.
    • and we were also taught that in the first 25 years of life we must abstain from any sort of sexual pleasures especially porn and masturbation.
    • and much more
    overall it was a very unique experience. one must try it in his NoFap journey.

    congrats to me! it's been 10 days since I haven't watched porn, only one relapse to morning woods. I am going to celebrate it! because we must celebrate small wins, it keeps us motivated.
    THANKS FOR READING
     
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  20. yorainbow

    yorainbow Fapstronaut

    Relapsed after 9 days streak.
    had a wet dream (so weird) was feeling sad for the whole day, at last, I couldn't control myself and watched P*** for 5 min and ji****. and after that felt very very guilty and bad. now will be doing exercise, cold showers, meditation. to escape from the binge.

    update:
    I was feeling sad after the relapse, but after 30 minutes of exercise and a cold shower, the sadness was gone. right now I'm feeling awesome and optimistic.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2021

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