Being anxious in life due to low self esteem and still a virgin at 31

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by angkit88, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Ok guys so I'm new to this site, this is a pretty heavy for my first ever post, but from what i gathered here a lot of people here are focused a lot on self improvement and I thought it'll be ok to post this here.

    So Im almost 32 now and I don't think I've ever held a girl/womans hand before or even kissed, hilarious and embarrassing right? I think from a young age I've always been super shy and anxious when talking to girls, it probably got more awkward when at a tender age of 13 i discovered i had a pantyhose/tights fetish. Also my personal experience with domestic abuse from my sister at a young age kind of sealed it in.

    Oh actually when I confessed to a girl via a letter at school, she decided to tell her friends, laugh about it and everyone in our class knew about it and chewed me up about it. Worst experience in my life i think.


    So i pretty much went through my young teenage years till young adult years without interacting with women/girls. Throughout my university years I got better with interacting with women and made some friends in general, however I find these days i struggle to break the barrier of friendship. Not sure if its because a lack of attraction to them or perhaps I'm subconciously holding myself back.

    But its pretty much being going on like this for a good number of years, at this point in my life I'm pretty normal at interatcting with both genders, able to talk and make friends with them, I think I feel more awkward if I try to interact with them in a romantic way as I mentally feel like a awkward teenager, I know the idea of being yourself is what people want and in general i conduct myself quite well and mostly quite like myself the way i am.

    However when it comes to seeking a potential romantic partner I think the combination of being a virgin and possibly mocked ( The Highschool thing really hit me hard i think) and then combine it with having a fetish for hosiery just seem to make it that much harder to do. I think it definately low self esteem it gets worse with age for me.

    I think im going in circles now but yeah, I dunno does anyone have a similar issues and if they do how did they break out of it? I unfortunately don't have any close friends ( I do have friends :D) that i feel like comfortable to talk about this with.
    Pantyhose fetish is a huge no no for family and friends.
     
  2. Αλέξανδρος

    Αλέξανδρος Fapstronaut

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    NoFap helped me for real. It boosted my confidence, it gave me more energy to change my life (getting in shape, eating healthy, study more, change my clothes and my haircut).
    All of that energy and charisma, along with healthy habits, helped me having my first two kisses this summer, with two different women.
    Just look at my streak, just think that you will need a lot of time to achieve your goals.

    But most importantly, you need to focus on other goals. Get in shape, speak to a new person every day, read that self-improvement book, get rid of social media, videogames, junk food and focus on having social experiences.

    I think it's easy to say it from a 17 yo guy like me. You are 31, maybe with a job, but you can still get in the game.

    I believe in you.
     
  3. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man! I'm actually in quite good shape and before Corona virus I did use to socialise quite a bit with other people outside. Like i said on my post I'm not socially awkward to people in general nor do i struggle to make friends. I have a career i'm working hard in and being satisfied with. For me its more of a personal issue of breaking the barrier to romantic relationship without feeling insignificant and embarrased to them.
     
  4. Stroketter

    Stroketter Fapstronaut

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    Btw I think there plenty of females out there which would think you being a virginn is endearing honest. Wear it with honour man
     
    intso likes this.
  5. Αλέξανδρος

    Αλέξανδρος Fapstronaut

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    I was in the same situation as yours, before NoFap.
    I just can't explain it properly, NoFap just changes your mentality. You become the protagonist of your life. Constant orgasms just make you weak. The lack of them makes you want to interact with women, in real life. You start returning to your primordial instincts.

    Your brain starts to think: "Well, if I can't have an orgasm, I must get them through sex with real women, right?"
    And that's just true.

    You start to behave as an Alpha man, a real playboy, you start to fake it until you become it, it is your brain that transforms you into that, only for the primordial need of procreating.

    My advice is: start a streak, stick to it, use that time for personal growth, read lots of books, you will become the perfect man all women want, an interesting one.
    Just to say: most of the tricks I use with people or girls, to interact with other human beings, I would say. I got them by reading books.
     
    Slowlybutsurely likes this.
  6. Αλέξανδρος

    Αλέξανδρος Fapstronaut

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    Man, I think he should fake not being a virgin. Some girls just think "Eeeeew, a virgin at 31 years old, what a loser."
    You can't blame them.
    So man, fake it until it happens, that's the aim.

    I always say, fake it as you did it, fake it until it's true.

    You don't know how to be confident: Just fake it, search on the internet how confident people behave and just start doing it.

    You will become it.
     
    Oliver Gunter likes this.
  7. Stroketter

    Stroketter Fapstronaut

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    Depends if you want a hookup or a relationship. A hookup yea lie but don't go into a relationship with a girl starting with lies. Any girl worth your time will accept this and not judge negatively, may even like it! She will get to experience all your firsts in that way.
     
  8. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man! Def not a hookup, I feel like whilst that is a option simply just ticking a box off like that is incredibly pointless.

    And no I won't fake it, starting a potential relationship with lies is quite possibly the worst thing you can do. I appreciate the advice though
     
  9. Αλέξανδρος

    Αλέξανδρος Fapstronaut

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    Maybe search for first hookups, lose the virginity, gain confidence and then search for the real relationship.
    Virginity could be a grave on your back sometimes, at this age you shouldn't search the "right person" no more.
     
  10. SPIRITUSS

    SPIRITUSS Fapstronaut

    workout, diet (it will cure your anxiety and clean your mind), meditation, overcoming your fear of approaching girls and within 3 months you're a superhero.
     
  11. 2MuchSauce916

    2MuchSauce916 Fapstronaut

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    Is this what you did to get rid of anxiety and fear of approaching women? I honestly don’t workout, I definitely don’t diet as I eat a lot of dairy and bread. I don’t meditate
     
  12. SPIRITUSS

    SPIRITUSS Fapstronaut

    This is what I did to love myself. Food is what you put into your body. It's scientifically proven that what you eat affects your mood, your anxiety, your stress and your overall well-being. Same goes for working out and meditation. There's no magic pill
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  13. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    Just don’t really care about this ‘virginity’ thing. Try to get rid of your fears (little by little) and build your relationship/family.
    Btw at 31 men have much more value and options (if they are in shape ofc) comparing to youngsters, so just try to see clearly what you want to get from relationship (what are your demands to a girl) and many relationships start from friendship, so don’t aim just on romance, go out there and have fun!
    Man, getting rid of your fears (approaches, rejection) is awesome, don’t let them limit your life
     
    angkit88, intso and SPIRITUSS like this.
  14. SPIRITUSS

    SPIRITUSS Fapstronaut

    The main problem that almost everyone has these days is that we all have frustrations. We think that getting more relationships with girls, more money etc. will make us happier but the problem comes from the inside.

    Someone who loves himself unconditionally, regardless of external circumstances, doesn't feel the need to have more because he is aware of his value. He takes action without caring about the consequences because he is in doing it rather than thinking about it.
    It's like trying to fill an already full glass of water. It's useless. There's enough water as it is

    The question is: how do we get to this point?

    There is no secret, no magic pill. There are enough scientific studies nowadays that deal with well-being. Someone who does not take care of himself as he would take care of his own child (both in his actions and in his way of thinking) cannot claim to get what he wants or to personal fulfillment.

    - Working out
    -Diet
    - Meditation
    - Getting out of your comfort zone
    - Sleep
    - Screens use limitation
    - No social media
    - Cold showers (not sure about this, scientific studies contradict each other)
    - NoFap (Same here)
    - Having fun
     
    angkit88, elevate and Metis07 like this.
  15. Say_Goodbye

    Say_Goodbye Fapstronaut

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    Virgin at 31,thats quite amazing. I wish I had not lost my virginity. So embrace its the most pure and beautiful thing that you get to hold on too for while. Actually some girls will find it very cute and amazing that you still a virgin... I'm sure your future wife or girlfriend will appreciate this so much. It takes someone special to value this. And she's out there.
     
    angkit88 and intso like this.
  16. blookes

    blookes Fapstronaut

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    okay the biggest problem u have is making excuses that u need to let go, i mean there not even that serious. just forgive them and move on already. also stop identifying with being a virgin it really isn't that big of a deal unless you're not sure if u like women? you can't force romance to happen you have to go with the flow.

    i wish i could talk on the phone with u so i could yell at u. why don't you hire a prostitude to go on a date with you or have one of ur buddies hook u up. ur a virgin bcus of u. ur stopping u from having sex why? why r u punishing urself?

    no more excuses
     
    angkit88 and Say_Goodbye like this.
  17. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You've gotten very sophisticated at reinforcing an identity that causes you to self sabotage. This is me... this is my past... therefore I can't get this or that... The allure of holding on to that identity (despite it being full of suffering) is that it's familiar, predictable, and known to you. Whereas taking risks with relationships and strangers is unpredictable, unfamiliar, and unknown (which is how change happens).

    You've spent such a long time creating excessive importance on relationships / sex that you've reinforced not having it. It has caused you to be excessively careful and cautious. It has made you seek comfort and safety. It has become too big for you to mess up or it would hurt too much. What was comfortable in the past (avoiding these issues) has become very uncomfortable years later. What is uncomfortable now (taking risks / mistakes / failure / rejection / pain / facing the unknown) is what would be comfortable later on (experience / success).

    Your fetish is a coping method of seeking safety / comfort. You have to be more committed to relationships than you are with safety / comfort. Rather than using your fetish as an excuse to say that you're too damaged to have success.

    The barrier of friendship is also another way for you to stay safe and comfortable. To avoid risks. If you're actually interested in someone, you have to take a risk. To be clear and direct with what you want. Rather than avoiding it or waiting for something outside of you to bring you what you want.

    All your past bullshit doesn't matter. You excuse of being a virgin, your age, or your experience level is all bullshit that gives you a way out whenever things get scary. You always have one foot outside the door just incase things become potentially painful. What really matters is what you want right now. The outcomes don't matter. You'll experience a lot of negative and positive experiences in life. By avoiding the negative you also avoid the positive. What matters is the person that you are whether it's a negative or a positive outcome. Play to win rather than playing not to lose out of fearing potential suffering. Don't get better at avoiding suffering. Get better at being able to thrive in suffering. Learn to become emotionally independent rather than avoidant.

    Let go of everything that's familiar, predictable, and known to you. That obviously hasn't worked for you. Leap into the unknown, unpredictable, and unfamiliar. The caves you fear the most holds the treasure that you seek. You have to risk suffering for the possibility of pleasure. You have to risk losing a comfortable and safe interaction / friendship if you want something more. You have to risk mistakes failure rejection pain if you want competence and confidence. You have to risk doing things that might not work if you want things to work.

    The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself. That sets the basis for every other relationship.
     
  18. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    People are addicted to chasing a carrot on a stick. They become addicted to the craving of something. So much that it only further reinforces the lack in their life despite of all that they've acquired. It never ends. It's energetically reaching or externalizing. Needing things to be a certain way (control approval security)... then you become even more paranoid of acquiring and maintaining what you have. Rather than self generating and drawing from within.
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  19. Little Prince

    Little Prince Fapstronaut

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    Some of you are clueless as fuck
     
    SickSicko likes this.
  20. SPIRITUSS

    SPIRITUSS Fapstronaut

    totally agree.
    I would say that this is the main problem today.
    Even those who succeed are never satisfied.
    Personal development has become a competition in which you have to be the best to exist in the eyes of others because deep down you feel empty.

    True value is measured by the image we have of ourselves. The love we give ourselves. When everything is going well inside, it is felt outside and everything becomes love and ease.
     
    Cornixico likes this.

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