Being anxious in life due to low self esteem and still a virgin at 31

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by angkit88, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. Cornixico

    Cornixico Fapstronaut

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    Maybe try internet dating? Perhaps that might help in finding something romantic. As people go into that specifically to find romance so there's less ambiguity around if they see you as a friend or potential lover.
     
  2. Cornixico

    Cornixico Fapstronaut

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    I love this view. You certainly are right. The happiness times of my life were when I was at peace with myself regardless of my circumstances. But then things flowed well with relationships because of my inner peace and love.
     
  3. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Ah thank you very much @elevate that was... a very refreshing read I feel like you've made some very great points and especially so with regards to tackling areas where you're uncomfortable to move forwards as a person and in pursuit of doing the best you can and attain the best possibly version of yourself.

    Within the last year or so i've taken great steps forwards for my career where I had to go against the flow of everything and beat down the opinions of people who put me down, I took great strides to get right out of my comfort zone from my creativity, interaction with strangers, going to locations I've never gone to before. All of this boosted my confidence and ability to become a better version of myself. In fact I was so engrossed in my work that I was actually very happy with myself for a really long time and these thoughts where actually not apparent for a while.

    I don't think its bothered me a lot until recently and especially due to the lockdown, however to keep talking about that is simply providing another excuse for myself which is something I know I can stop doing and HAVE done with great benefits. I honestly feel like if I can overcome this hurdle it would let me pursue a whole bunch of other areas that I've subconciously been afraid of.

    Thank you very much for writing such a lengthy and well meaning post it means a lot.

    @Cornixico Its something I tried on and off for about a year and a half, it honestly leaves me feeling more empty as time went by, i think the worst part is that it started to affect my creative output on my career, so I sort of ditched it to focus on that which mostly helped improve my self esteem. I feel like its something I should give another go at and see where it leads.Have yo uhad experience using internet date sites?


    Also thank you guys for the encouragement and bollocking, its really helped to try view the situation from a different stand point. I'll keep trying on improving myself but most important of all to become more comfortable in my own skin.
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  4. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    I fully agree with this statement, I think when you have family members that state you're not good enough from a young age till
    I fully agree with this statement, I think when you have family members that state you're not good enough from a young age till young adulthood can really make you crave to constantly look good in front of others. I'm super lucky that I made a career out of my passion despite odds stacked against me and went to look for help when i needed it most, otherwise I don't even know where I'll be or if I'll even be here today.

    I think a lot of personal development becoming competition stems a lot from social media, instagram and Youtube in particular. Whilst I don't consume it a whole lot, my friends do and I'm sure a lot of them feel some sort of anxiety of not accomplishing enough compared to others.

    Its so unfortunate that I can't really talk to people about this other than the internet about this paricular topic, Its just something I can't bring up without feeling the ultimate shame which shouldn't be the case but regardless I'm very glad I posted my statement on here. Its really helped clear the fog in my head a bit.
     
    SPIRITUSS likes this.
  5. Selix

    Selix Fapstronaut

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    first of all welcome... this is your first step for becoming a better person... my cousin is 37 and still had no gf so no worries...

    first of all try to hit 300 days, confidence is absolute key for the next step

    this was the most badass move you could've made in high school and it took a hit on your self esteem, you can talk to girls/women but bad experience inhibited you... but there is a game to talk to girls/women... the best part is that you can learn it

    and change your style, clothes, haircut (if you bolding go bald, women love a confident bald guy)

    and dont look for love actively... lead a balanced and happy life and love will find you

    so 31 is just an age you can do it...

    the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago... the 2nd best is now
     
    Archangel01 and Cornixico like this.
  6. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Haha thanks man! I can sort of laugh about it now but that letter was by far the most painful experience for me at the time, I remember at that point couple with a few other negative experience with family I use to despise girls altogether, very immature I know but I young lads are generally driven my emotion at that age.

    I'm trying to not actively look for it and just be myself as that was advice I was given and it helped alot in so many areas. I think the whole pandemic really hampered the whole thing and got me a bit down, regardless I'm monologing again, thank you very much for the encouragement!
     
  7. Queek The HeadTakker

    Queek The HeadTakker Fapstronaut

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    My dad only found my mum when he was 30 , there is still hope for you!

    Yesyesyesyesyes
     
    angkit88 likes this.
  8. Shambler

    Shambler Fapstronaut

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    I was very similar to you. I did manage to have sex a couple of times in my late teens but after that I went over 10 years without any kind if romantic interaction with a woman. Couple that with a fierce porn addiction, bonkers fetishes and a growing hatred of women (I literally told a friend of mine that I didn't see women as humans at one point) and I thought I'd be alone forever.

    What I did was, I downloaded tinder and used it. Now I have a fiancee who is my best friend and I'm hers and kids. Dating apps take the stress out of hooking up because you know that you are both there for the same thing. Everything after that just happened naturally. If you have social skills, once you get over the initial hump of actually talking to someone you are ok.
     
    angkit88 likes this.
  9. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I'm honestly thinking of giving maybe internet dating another chance, I just remember it ate away at me when I used it for a year and a half and couldnt' even secure a date. It can honestly feel like a double edged sword, but I think with whats going on right now in the world perhaps its time to try again.

    Thanks for sharing your experience, its good to know that I'm not alone in this issue and that there are other people out there who had the same problems and are able to face and conquer them. I just need to push through a little harder.
     
    Shambler likes this.
  10. Shambler

    Shambler Fapstronaut

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    Do it, you wont regret it. Lots of apps out there if tinder doesn't work out for you. One big bit of advice I can give is find someone you know who is competent at taking photos and get them to take some of you. I cluelessly put up selfies of myself that looked hideous and was not a hit. Later on I tried again with some nice photos by a photographer friend and was much better received, I even had a couple of girls message me first which was a giant confidence boost.

    Also, I've been told that many of the matches girls get will chat but usually drop out when it comes to meeting, if you pursue a physical date with someone you might be surprised how keen they are to meet. I did that without knowing and it worked.
     
    gcamt123 and angkit88 like this.
  11. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    @elevate Man you been here for years and comments are always on spot! Hats off to you,sir!
     
  12. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I can somewhat relate to your story as I am not that experienced myself and had a bad start during my Gymnasium (High School) years with braces, pimples all over my face and divorcing parents.
    But, what do I care about that nowadays as I am 32 years old, fit, start to get more refined, distinguished and experienced in life?
    If you're a man, confident and take good care of yourself, the party starts in your 30's, especially at age 35 as your SMV is on the way up and your choice of younger, prettier women will increase by the month. I can't wait until I turn 33 next year because that means more selection and greatness coming my way.

    The thing about life man is that you have to leave the past behind and stop dwelling on it. I started to finally do so as my last (and still standing) NoFap-streak began 2 1/2 years ago and it has helped me greatly on my journey. Thanks to NoFap and a good diet/exercise routine, I am looking young, fresh and quite manly compared to most men these days.
    The thing is that women can sense and spot an unconfident and insecure man miles away so my best advice is just to work on yourself, becoming your best version and stop dwelling on the past because dwelling does and will never serve a purpose in your life.
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  13. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    This is a mental block. No amount of lying or pretending will help.

    You need to change how you think. You have some belief systems that you have accepted as truth that can be changed. Here are a few I was able to identify:
    1. Your experience in high school defines your current interactions. This doesn't need to be true even if it feels like it is.
    2. Having no physical relationship with a women is embarrassing (the feeling behind that is that you have come up short). This can be reframed, it also is a lie.

    Find a coach who can help you transform your thinking. That is what I did for my issues and it changed my life.
     
    gcamt123 likes this.
  14. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    @Angus McGyver Thank you! That is really great to hear, have you found yourself having better interaction and experience with women now that you've gotten older and more confident? I personally feel quite confident in a lot of areas save for the ones I mentioned in my first post. At the very least i feel far more confident with interacting with new people.

    @Love2LongBoard I agree i refuse to lie or pretend and would rather face my problem head on and I feel like you really hit the nail on the two points, especially about the one with feeling behind with regards to lack of relationship and perhaps a slight feeling of 'wrongness' with regards to the crossdressing, i think in a lot of ways hey go hand in hand.

    I have heard about the idea of using coaches but wasn't sure where to look, the ones that people have recommended to me cost a lot of money.
     
  15. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Yes, it feels much more natural and down-to-earth these days than it used to. You notice it especially with younger women who many times seem excited just by having an older man talking to them. But not only that, my social interactions overall are much smoother, easygoing and fun these days than they ever used to be in my past (during my PMO-days).
    Still, I can become a misanthropist in crowds or when out grocery-shopping since most people there annoy me, although I don't pay them too much attention.
     
    angkit88 likes this.
  16. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    I was just about 32 when I first had sex with a woman. Really wasn't into it at all with her. After a few flings with her I haven't had sex with another since. Having sex won't magically fix things. Keep working on loving yourself for who you are today while making continuous life improvements. Continue NoFap. Acknowledge our imperfections. One step at a time. Check out a church where they value sex after marriage. Loving yourself for who you are will be your biggest asset.
     
  17. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing your personal experience. After hearing other people speak on this forum and others sharing their personal experience such as yourself it's really opened my eyes how having a one night fling won't automatically just make things better. I was actually considering at one point to look for a prostitute too.
    I think you're right the key factor here is to improve yourself and love yourself, something I think a lot of us struggle here on NoFap.
     
  18. Fullyawake

    Fullyawake Fapstronaut

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    It’s the connection with someone that matters above all. Don’t listen to the noise about what people say about being a virgin, that’s only going to make you feel bad. Stay positive and hopefully we find someone we genuinely connect with. I believe it will all work out in the end if we do that.
     
    angkit88 likes this.
  19. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    ONS:s and hookers/escorts won't solve any of your underlying concerns and issues as they all start on the inside. You got to work on yourself first and foremost. That's what me and plenty of other dudes have done over the past years and life hasn't been better than it is right now.
    Just remember that one single shag with the wrong woman can give you troubles and health-issues for years and even decades ahead, plus your mental and spiritual issues won't get any closer to being resolved.
    Also, as a man, your SMV will steadily climb in your 30's and 40's as long you take good care of yourself and develop a craft skill that can provide you a decent income and living.
     
    angkit88 likes this.
  20. angkit88

    angkit88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Angus much appreciated! I feel recently I've definately trying to hone in on developing my craft and passions rather than to grab some sort of unrealistic expectations from my close ones and myself. I feel at the end the only person who can care for yourself is you, especially so when you're by yourself and to not expect your friends to know every nuance of what you're thinking or solve your issues.

    I think overall this more focus on developing myself, passions and not getting distracted by the actions of others has helped steel myself to understand that this is the most important thing I need to push forwards now. Hopefully with that and through time as I gain better self respect and confidence I can find someone I can share my experiences with.
     
    Angus McGyver likes this.

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