Being away from Home

I feel so anxious and nervous, away for work for 5 days, left husband on his 50th day of his first 90 day reboot at home. He is feeling strong but this is a huge binge time for him. My being gone, he has the day off, kids are at school... Knowing that he is rattling around at the house, is making me not feel safe.
I know there is nothing I can do but believe that he will tell me if he relapses, but all I can think of is the many times over the past 5 years that he looked me right in the face, with those clear blue eyes I love so much and said, I am not lying, I would never lie to you, I love you too much to hurt you, you are my world...
How do I recover from the lies and the deceit? He used every trick in the book to keep me off the trail, I feel bruised and battered when I think about it, like I have been assaulted by the one person who was supposed to protect me. I know that time will heal this, but right now I feel utter dispair, like all the joy and hope have been sucked out of my life.

I guess I should get my ass in gear and go walk it off, I have passed out that advice like 100 times on this site. Just gotta breathe and get through it.

 

Made it through day two being away. Felt very out of touch, we have spent so much time together these past 50 days healing, and it is weird not being with him.
I have a vague sense of impending doom, probably just being Cronically lied to jitters. He was tired and sleepy when I called, said he had a good day, seemed distant but may have just been tired. Or was he relapsing, that is the real worry, and not something I have control over. He has good strategies in place to fight off urges, but when will PMO rear its ugly head? And will he be ready?

 

Thanks for writing, greatly appreciated, your story gives me tons of hope. He hadn't had a slip and he feels really strong, I am just waiting for the storm I guess. And wondering, how will I know? I don't know what to think. This feeling is coming from within me, not linked to his actions. He has not felt this strong and present in a long time, and it has been good, I think I just need more time, and I wish that he was more realistic about how hard this is going to be.
I love the ABC plan idea, when I was a kid I always wondered what B lunch was going to be
I can get through this, I am tough and heal easily. But I am keeping my eyes wide open, not doing another 5 years trying to make everything nice, it's his turn to worry about how to make things nice.

 

Letting self doubt and fear of what might happen if he starts lying again, when it hasn't even happened is fruitless. I am spinning my wheels. This is my next step, getting comfortable with all the lying and deceit and healing from it.
For 50 days I have been waiting for more, I don't know what? But things have been really good, and he feels different then he did before when I caught him 5 years ago, and it feels different to me too. I am going to try and remember that feeling of this time will be different when i start not feeling safe and cared for.
He hurt me, and he knows that, and he is feeling that more and more as the reboot goes on, hopefully it will motivate him to stay clean, not send him Into a bout of self loathing and a relapse.
He sent me lovely texts this morning, and I do love him so! Thanks @guatama, it is good to hear the other side of this, I wish I could gather up my posts and put them together, I have mainly posted to make others feel supported, not to track my own journey. I did write a poem one night, if I figure out how to copy and paste on this site I will repost.
Busy day making money today, head in the game, feeling strong, needing peace.

 

What PMO is to Me

My husband WAS in hell.
You made him feel worthless,
You stole his time,
You stole my life,
You stole my confidence,
You stole my lover,
You stole my home,
You stole my children's father.
You objectify women,
You make sex violent instead ofloving,
I feel violated,
I feel heartbroken,
I feel like a victim.
When I see him looking at a screen I feel like you are here,
You make me cry,
I don't feel safe.
I didn't even get the dopamine rush,
I AM in hell

One thing PMO will never take from me: hope

Oh boy, victory! I figured it out! And now I know how to quote small passages in people's entries,
that's cool

 

Ok, home tomorrow. We made it through. He is feeling strong, I will feel happy to lay my eyes on him and see for myself that he is ok. He sent me some lovely texts today, and I have a lot of hope for our future. He said he wrote me a letter every day so I will know how things were going along the way. I love him, and I don't want him to disappear again, that is feeling more likely every day. Hopeful

 

Glad you commented @Rapparee, I wasn't sure where I had written this poem, but I wanted to share it with someone, you have resurrected it from the forum abyss.
It is just an addiction, no more no less, but it also is personally affrontting to the SO in a way that other addictions maybe aren't. My husband and I had an agreement in our 25 year love affair, that we would be monogamous and only share that sexual part of ourselves Outside our relationship. Getting married took it a step further. The P, the chat rooms... It hurts my heart to even think about it. I feel the shock of first discovering about his addiction, and the level that he was betraying our agreement, and how very often he lied to me to make sure he had access to his next fix is wearing off. The next phase for me (he is 120 days in recovery) is hearing about it from him, and sharing with him how it was for me. I asked him the other night, did you do it on my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas? He was not able to answer, he said I was f%^d up, I don't want to think about it. But he needs to, it is part of the healing process for me, to know the truth, and let it have less power between us.
I am glad your girlfriend knows, the lying and deciet is the worst part, it will be the hardest for me to recover from. Try to stay conscious and be honest, being addicted to PMO doesn't make you a bad person, but it will ruin your life, and the lives of people around you. Nothing but misery with PMO.