Being fucked over by "friends"?- Help requested

AtomicTango

AtomicTango

Fapstronaut
Hi guys, the past few days I havent even been focussing on NoFap because of things happening IRL. I'm going to try my best to explain the situation and would appreciate help from anyone with any experience or insight into this kind of thing. Anyway, here we go.

I'm starting to think that my experience with NoFap is making me realise how incompatible I really am with my friends from university. Over the course of the last few years, I've slowly built up a small group of friends that were all doing the college course I was doing (Computer Games Design), then, when I moved to university, a lot of these people moved to the same one and studied the same courses/subjects as me (all variations of games design). Up until recently I havent had any issue with this, I've enjoyed spending time with them and there have been a few falling outs but nothing severe. Overall its all been peachy.

This changed with the end of my second year. Since January of this year till the end of May, we were all assigned into groups at random to work on a project that would be presented to professionals. We were all assigned into different groups with different people and by sheer bad luck I ended up with people who were basically incompetent and it fell to me and a few others who had our heads screwed on to try and salvage it. It was extremely stressful and led to me losing my 75 day streak. We didnt expect to make the grade but somehow, when it came to the final day to present out work, we won. For the second project in a row (we also had one from September to December that was similar) the work I had a hand in had been deemed the best. It was here that things started to break down.

Holy shit dudes, the salt was off the fucking charts, theres no other way to explain it, all my friends were angry and upset about the result and this complaining literally went on for about 2 months, I never acted smug or anything other than understanding, I'll be honest with you, I didnt expect the result but I wasnt exactly going to dispute it was I? I tried to explain as rationally as possible the reasoning for why we won, and if I have to be honest my friends acted like spoilt children who were mad that they didnt win an arbitary award that in the end barely affected anything other than their own pride.

Since then, I've noticed changes in my friends behavior. One of them was adamant we would work together in our final year, then turned around and shut me out shortly after the incident, we still talk regularly but whenever I try to start a man-man conversation about it he ignores it and changes the subject. This is the same friend I put a lot of effort into helping when he came to uni a year later than the rest of us. Another 2 friends decided to go together and didnt even think to ask me if I wanted in. Another friend spends his time projecting his own failure onto me by being verbally abusive online and hiding behind the veil of "banter".

I'm not going to lie friends, I'm sick to the back teeth of all of them, it really does seem like I'm only friends with these people because of circumstance, and as soon as I step out of line or do something unexpected, then the knives come out. I'm not a practicing Christian but I was raised with Christian values and went to Christian schools, and I genuinely cant understand why my so called "friends" would behave the way they do when I've done nothing but help them the whole time I've known them. I'd appreciate some input on this because sometimes when I think about it the whole thing makes me mad, sometimes I think I'm at fault here somehow. I've spoken to friends outside of uni and they all agree with me, but IDK, what do you guys think?
 
You've known your friends for several years. What were they like in the early days? Did they treat you as an equal or was there some weird hierarchy going on?

If things were a bit unhealthy in the early days, they will probably remain that way.
 
leo da king said:
If people don't support you and are salty to you once or twice it could be understood. But if they are acting bad to you on a constant basis, they are not your friends
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This is where the dilemma comes from, I dont think they behave the way they do out of malice or spite, but out of ignorance and a lack of emotional maturity. Idk, I cant even bring myself to be angry at these people because I have the self awareness to know it wont solve anything.
 
The Peace Warrior said:
They're just so called 'friend' nothing else. In other words 'beneficial friend' who only take advantage of the person.


From age 21 to 30, there will be a lot of friends come in your life & go..
Don't attach with anyone, just focus on your self-development.
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I should have put "fairweather friend" in the post because that basically sums up how they have been acting, as long as I dont stray from the status quo everythings fine but its also extremely stifling, and like you say, could be affecting my development.
 
hermit_ninja said:
You've known your friends for several years. What were they like in the early days? Did they treat you as an equal or was there some weird hierarchy going on?

If things were a bit unhealthy in the early days, they will probably remain that way.
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There was never a hierarchy or anything like that, but I have noticed several incidents over the years where some of them would turn extremely nasty and childish if you called them out on their shit in any way. Best example I can think of is when we (uni friends and reliable non uni friends) agreed to do something together, one of the uni friends just didnt show up, it caused a massive disruption, and then when I called them out on their shit they insisted they never agreed to take part in the first place, someone else pointed out they had a record of their agreement on their phone, and then when it was brought out and the liar had nowhere to turn, he called us all needy cunts and refused to talk to us for a few days.
 
That sounds quite annoying, but not as annoying as what you mentioned in the original post:

AtomicTango said:
Holy shit dudes, the salt was off the fucking charts, theres no other way to explain it, all my friends were angry and upset about the result and this complaining literally went on for about 2 months, I never acted smug or anything other than understanding, I'll be honest with you, I didnt expect the result but I wasnt exactly going to dispute it was I? I tried to explain as rationally as possible the reasoning for why we won, and if I have to be honest my friends acted like spoilt children who were mad that they didnt win an arbitary award that in the end barely affected anything other than their own pride.

Since then, I've noticed changes in my friends behavior. One of them was adamant we would work together in our final year, then turned around and shut me out shortly after the incident, we still talk regularly but whenever I try to start a man-man conversation about it he ignores it and changes the subject. This is the same friend I put a lot of effort into helping when he came to uni a year later than the rest of us. Another 2 friends decided to go together and didnt even think to ask me if I wanted in. Another friend spends his time projecting his own failure onto me by being verbally abusive online and hiding behind the veil of "banter".

I'm not going to lie friends, I'm sick to the back teeth of all of them, it really does seem like I'm only friends with these people because of circumstance, and as soon as I step out of line or do something unexpected, then the knives come out. I'm not a practicing Christian but I was raised with Christian values and went to Christian schools, and I genuinely cant understand why my so called "friends" would behave the way they do when I've done nothing but help them the whole time I've known them. I'd appreciate some input on this because sometimes when I think about it the whole thing makes me mad, sometimes I think I'm at fault here somehow. I've spoken to friends outside of uni and they all agree with me, but IDK, what do you guys think?
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The guy being abusive online - I'm guessing he does it publicly on Facebook or something, not in an email or private message. I don't know how severe it gets, but it could be a form of public humiliation. I wouldn't stand for it. You could block him or unfriend him, and if he asks you why, say you did it for a laugh!

I stopped putting up with crap from friends I'd known since school. It wasn't the healthiest friendship since the early days, so in a way it's my fault for choosing the wrong friends. I guess my self-esteem wasn't too good. Maybe I should have also "formally" ended the friendship, it might have helped speed up the adjustment process.

It probably makes sense to at least put some distance between them and you. Stop bothering with them so much. Hang out with other people. Be slow to respond to texts etc. Although be warned that if you start using this tactic, it's hard to stop lol!

Best of luck anyway, whatever you decide to do.
 
hermit_ninja said:
That sounds quite annoying, but not as annoying as what you mentioned in the original post:



The guy being abusive online - I'm guessing he does it publicly on Facebook or something, not in an email or private message. I don't know how severe it gets, but it could be a form of public humiliation. I wouldn't stand for it. You could block him or unfriend him, and if he asks you why, say you did it for a laugh!

I stopped putting up with crap from friends I'd known since school. It wasn't the healthiest friendship since the early days, so in a way it's my fault for choosing the wrong friends. I guess my self-esteem wasn't too good. Maybe I should have also "formally" ended the friendship, it might have helped speed up the adjustment process.

It probably makes sense to at least put some distance between them and you. Stop bothering with them so much. Hang out with other people. Be slow to respond to texts etc. Although be warned that if you start using this tactic, it's hard to stop lol!

Best of luck anyway, whatever you decide to do.
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The guy who is verbally abusive is like that when we speak over VOIP, mostly on PlayStation when we are all on unwinding with videogames. He'll be fine with me when its just us but he feels the need to act like a jackass towards me when other people are also there, and I genuinely think its because he's projecting his own insecurity onto me because its some sort of way of making himself feel better. At first I just tolerated it because it didnt bother me, but he does it so incessently that I've started just ignoring him when I'm playing videogames and talking to other people instead. It wont surprise you to learn he isnt like this IRL, he's just a pussy trying to be the big man when he knows theres no consequence.

I also want to clarify that the two incidents I mentioned in my two comments are different incidents that happened like a year apart, the more minor one being an example of me failing to recognise the toxic behavior that was to fully blossom later on. Its been a long day and I wasnt sure if I'd made that clear enough, reading my comments back I perhaps wasnt.
 
SuperFan said:
I'd suggest that these people aren't really your friends. Real friends would celebrate your success.
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I'll be honest, at first I too was baffled by the result but quickly figured out why we won and my friends groups didnt. It was based on an admittedly silly technicality that only our group picked up on. Yeah it was rather odd we won because of that, and on some level I understand the salt, but yeah it went on for so long and was so vitriolic that it started to feel like people were actively resentful of me when it wasnt even my doing.
 
AtomicTango said:
I'll be honest, at first I too was baffled by the result but quickly figured out why we won and my friends groups didnt. It was based on an admittedly silly technicality that only our group picked up on. Yeah it was rather odd we won because of that, and on some level I understand the salt, but yeah it went on for so long and was so vitriolic that it started to feel like people were actively resentful of me when it wasnt even my doing.
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Your group had the eagle eyes to spot the technicality and capitalise on it. The other groups didn't. End of story.
 
It's a great lesson for you, take what you can from it.

Congrats on getting a winning prize! Working in teams with different amounts of capability is common.

Focus on your craft, master your skills and get the best job you can. It's ok to be sad for the loss of your friends, but you will make new ones. Just trust in yourself and the process of building your skills.

If you want to fuck with them a bit, just mirror their behavior. It'll drive them mad, don;t give them any clue as to why. They will then feel the pain you are feeling, and that will either be enough for them to adjust their behavior, of they will go off wondering why. Either way, focus on your studies, and if I were you, the girls:)
 
Hello AtomicTango,

I have been struggling with similar issues in my own life that involve incessant conflict with friends who I've known for maybe, 8+ years. Friends who've been there for almost all of my personal growth (so far). I find what I often do is simply assume that they are not "emotionally mature" enough or "aware" or insightful enough to see what I see - to understand the truth as I do. Bare in mind however that both of you look at your life through rose tinted glasses, in other words, both your perceptions are warped and bias to your own beliefs. Also bear in mind that the social and political dynamics of a group of apes is an incredibly complex system with infinite variables at play. Consider that potentially you are not objectively in the right.

I've cut out another "best friend" of mine who was close to me for maybe 5 years, it got to the point where we could barely have a conversation without his dialogue descending into vitriol - I cut him off and I don't regret it - I was walking down the similar lines with my current friends but I made a point of meeting with my friend to specifically discuss these issues. He made me realise that I had been quite arrogant and enforce with my opinions, assuming them as truth unto my friend - who is basically struggling to be productive; he would often vent to me which would lead to me giving him advice, of which he would generally argue with me or be highly skeptical, which I viewed as laziness, or an unwillingness to face the truth. It was easy to dismiss him as lazy and in denial but in making sure to really listen objectively to his plight I understood that my arrogance was readily observable and made it even harder to take on any advice - which was not well explained rationally - but again assumed as truth by myself.

In any case I would advise a similar approach for you - make sure you've opened yourself up to all possible lessons you can learn from these people - stay skeptical but stay objective, try and step into an unbiased 3rd party observer for the duration of the discussion. There may well be some truth in the emotional immaturity of your friend and it is very well possible to outgrow your friends but it is also very possible to become dismissive of friends opinions simply because you actively undertake self development and they don't. Bear in mind that your friends are not perfect and may be misguided in a lot of ways but there's usually some lessons that can be learnt from even the worst teachers.

It does sound like your friends are being quite immature given their actions but that being said I have only heard your side of the story. I doubt you are lying but there may be some actions you have taken that have contributed to this situation - actions that have never even registered as being significant, actions of which you are unaware.
 
It sounds like you have a future in game design. If you won with a team that was not great, your friends should be wanting to team up with you and enjoy winning. As you all advance and learn more, you will begin to sell apps and games, they should want in on that. Being successful, you should have little problem making good friends and finding companionship. Keep up the good work.
 
ive had this happed to me before. many times actually... the only thing I can really say is this. people come people go. not everyone's path is the same as yours. it seems like you are doing, and going somewhere else and they are upset that they aren't. it sucks but oh well, you cant do much about it. if they want to act like kids fine let them. you got more important things to focus on. worry about yourself to hell with everyone else that trys to slow you down aint no body got time for that.
 
Parris said:
In any case I would advise a similar approach for you - make sure you've opened yourself up to all possible lessons you can learn from these people - stay skeptical but stay objective, try and step into an unbiased 3rd party observer for the duration of the discussion. There may well be some truth in the emotional immaturity of your friend and it is very well possible to outgrow your friends but it is also very possible to become dismissive of friends opinions simply because you actively undertake self development and they don't.
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Thanks for the reply, its appreciated. What youre saying is completely right, I have tried many times in the past to engage in real conversation where the goal was exactly what youre suggesting here, but the problem is I cant get them to accept there even is a problem. If I complain about them ruining plans, I'm "too needy". If I complain about them acting like idiots and generally disrupting my unwinding time then I'm "just so mad and cant take the banter". If i were to actively say I'm bitter about being kicked from our final year group then that would just cause a colossal argument where I would lose because it would be 3 against 1.

Youre right in saying that noone is perfect, I myself openly admit that I have very glaring and obvious character faults that I try every day to avoid, I've had arguments like this in the past where I've later admitted fault and apologised for it. Problem is, these guys NEVER do that, this is why I say they are emotionally immature. If they want help I'll try so hard to give it, maybe because I'm just too soft, but then if I want help they dont put the same effort in, maybe I should just redirect my attentions to people who will?
 
topjobmate said:
It's a great lesson for you, take what you can from it.

Congrats on getting a winning prize! Working in teams with different amounts of capability is common.

Focus on your craft, master your skills and get the best job you can. It's ok to be sad for the loss of your friends, but you will make new ones. Just trust in yourself and the process of building your skills.

If you want to fuck with them a bit, just mirror their behavior. It'll drive them mad, don;t give them any clue as to why. They will then feel the pain you are feeling, and that will either be enough for them to adjust their behavior, of they will go off wondering why. Either way, focus on your studies, and if I were you, the girls:)
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I'm probably too soft honestly, I would fuck with them but in the end it wouldnt accomplish anything and even after all this I dont have it in me to hate them, they are still fine half the time after all. IDK, I probably do need to be more assertive.
 
HappyDaysAreHereAgain said:
It sounds like you have a future in game design. If you won with a team that was not great, your friends should be wanting to team up with you and enjoy winning. As you all advance and learn more, you will begin to sell apps and games, they should want in on that. Being successful, you should have little problem making good friends and finding companionship. Keep up the good work.
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Thank you, I too dont understand their mindset about it but thats life I suppose.
 
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