Being the Loser Friend.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by BigCatTunski, Oct 10, 2019.

  1. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

    I have several groups of friends. And in each of them, I somehow end up getting the short end of the stick when it comes to women. Growing up with a lack of confidence and high self-esteem basically made me the bottom of the totem pole of my friends.

    I would often hear my friends talk about how they plan on having sex with a woman or recall a time where they did smash a woman, and unfortunately I would never have anything to contribute to it, and it made me feel left out.

    They would always tell me, “just be confident, the worst she could say is no.” But having low confidence, that would really mess with my head. Honestly, the whole reason why I started PMO was because I thought that was as good as it was going to get for me. And considering the fact that I would sometimes be ridiculed by friends and even my own brothers, it really would hurt and it would make me think that there is nothing going for me.

    I had a girlfriend, but now we’re not together. We were in a serious relationship for four years, and she was the one I lost my virginity to. Now that we’re not together, I feel like I’m back in grade school, moping around thinking that I’m undesirable to any woman ever.

    I’ve tried to talk to different women, only for nothing to come of it. Things like that take a blow to my self-esteem, and even though I’ve just recently become single, I’m already tired of chasing.

    Everyone tells me that the best thing for me to do is just work on myself, but I still can’t shake the thought of being with another woman, romantically and sexually. I know this would be dangerous, as with my current mindset, I would be in no position to try and get into another relationship.

    It honestly feels like I’m still the loser among all my friends. The one who never really gets the girl, but it’s not for a lack of trying. Does anybody else feel this way?
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    I used to feel the same way, then I stop caring. And when I stopped caring they stopped teasing me with it.
  3. manwiththeplan

    manwiththeplan Fapstronaut

    Johnny Cash, a boy named Sue:
    Son, this world is rough and if a man's gonna make it he's gotta be tough, and I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along. So I gave you that name and I said goodbye, knew you'd have to get tough or die, and it's that name that helped to make you strong.
  4. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    That's the ultimate dad joke.
    420 mile high and IbrahimViking like this.
  5. Get_It

    Get_It Fapstronaut

    First you gotta unplug yourself from the matrix. You're harboring the presuppositions of an AFC (average frustrated chump). Think with an abundance mindset.
  6. Get_It

    Get_It Fapstronaut

    Also, there's a great Tom Petty song "Even the losers"-get lucky sometimes.
  7. Xander_

    Xander_ Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I know how you feel. I was going through similar situation, my friends were constantly flexing how much sex they're having, women they're talking to etc. and eventually used to mock me for being a virgin (i still am a virgin tho, and i don't care).

    I used to feel bothered by it, and feel like a loser. They would here and there hop in with those cliche advices "just go to the gym bro" "just do it, what's the bad thing that can happen" etc. but the thing is, i have to annoy you with another type response you probably dislike to hear; work on yourself.

    Why is this one of the best tips i can give you ? Because, once you turn away from other people and start to sit down evaluate your life, things you'd like to change about yourself and start to work on it. You will get to mature more through process of self discipline, which would give you more insight about yourself, as well as the self respect you need that eventually builds the self confidence. This will give you the boost you need to change your friends, get new friends and instead of chasing women, you would rather attract them. So, basically what i want to say is that the thing is, you need to work on you before you present yourself to other people and attract them, work on the qualities you want to achieve and let other people recognize them. Those that do, will stick around.

    And let me tell you another thing, if you just had a girlfriend in this very moment you think you'd be able to sustain a healthy relationship by having a problem with self confidence ? You need to learn how to find happiness and joy within, its easier said than done, but i believe its the right way towards healthy self love, if you base your happiness off of someone or something you'll never be happy in the end. This is something my sister's friend told me at the dinner few days, and we just happened to talk about self confidence issues. She also went through a lot of problems with self confidence, anxiety etc. now she is a happy woman with 2 kids and a husband with a meaningful life.

    Did i solve my self confidence issues ? No, but i am working on them, and i am improving. Is it easy ? Hell no, but its going to be worth it. So hang in there, if you don't have all the answers, its alright, don't worry, just create a clear goal, and make the first step.
  8. vocalfry

    vocalfry Fapstronaut

    Although you might 'feel like the loser friend', you are not. You are a different individual. Where you stand, and observe, two things collide and create that which is you, your will and the world, with the out come of experience and the culmination of those things that others, who are otherwise the same, come to call 'you'. You exist and are as valid an experiencing being much as they are and do, in that context.

    If you want to put something within access of your control, you first must assume its results are a result of you. If not your desire, if not your willingness to act, if not your willingness to be forward, then some other manifestation of a part of you, that you carry presently is causing some issue, or not causing the appropriate issues, manifestations in yourself first, and then with what you are interacting with, when needed. Think the difference between an untrained fighter and the finesse and control of trained martial artist that is possible.

    These things then become a facet of, at least as much of their interaction with you as your interactions with them, but a bias on your side as it is your experience, results and outcomes, and is effectively with in your control or influence and more so the more you understand the functioning of what you are at all levels, and the hows to use and manipulate those parts, and how to use them to manipulate the environment around you. A result of not so much what comes in, but what you seek to take in and can process for information, in order to formulate responses both internally (with both conscious and 'subconscious' which can often be little more than conditioned reflex, but can be attached to weird things like specific sorts of social situations and interactions), and then externally.

    Some of these external results don't even need to have any seeming action from you. Adjustments in posture. 'general vibe'/aura/whatever you want to call it 'the feel around you'. Some of that might be fixable simply by taking your focus off it for a bit, do some hobbies, find something fun to do. Splash in puddles.

    Maybe you are afflicted with what some call 'desperation', it will play a role, anyway, if it is present. Just like any other part of you, perhaps one that is fun to be around, perhaps knows how to game things sexually making 'it fun'. These things too, if you are just having fun can play a role, as fun. But are you having fun, or putting things in direct terms with too much straight forwardness.
    Perhaps you are having fun with them, but have no sense of them, and thus put feet wrong. Perhaps if only you could read when serotonin rises (pupils can dilate, for example) you could take better advantage of it, as her mood rises. Or facial expressions, cues, microexpressions, body language.

    Perhaps there are pair bonding rituals that are now all but lost, or simply you were not taught or did not pick up, if that is the case then how would you ever know what you were missing in yourself development, skills developed and refined, word choice and action choice, sense of security or insecurity, dance steps taken, horns clashed... Perhaps its all too much, and you just need a calmer mind, consider then mediating on it all peacefully somewhere, with trees. If nothing else learning the pair bonding rituals of various critters, tribes, and cultures through history, might make for some curious topics of conversation and definite signal sending of 'interested in looking for a mate'.

    Anyway good luck dude.

    Or you could also go with the base essential, make sure they know who you are, and, smile smugly, look them dead in the eyes and tell them you want them. With full embracing of all that could mean, and a desire, readiness to act on it, right there and then.

    Otherwise that long winded nonsense comes down to - work on yourself. Refine your knowledge and understanding, ability and capacity to act. Perhaps consider reading the Stoics from antiquity. I have few answers, just suggestions of paths to wander.
    BigCatTunski likes this.
  9. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

    Read a book called - "Love yourself Like your life depends on it"

    You do not love or respect yourself, as a person. You need to change that.
    BigCatTunski likes this.
  10. Was told that one myself back in my younger days

    ouch that's tough , as for the friends part if there ridculed you ditch them you don't need them

    Well YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND ok that's great the relationship lasted for 4 years that's great I know people who cant get passed a first date and now you say you will be undesirable to ANY WOMEN EVER? GIVE ME A BREAK DROP THE EVER TALK SHIT
    QUOTE="BigCatTunski, post: 2272974, member: 284970"]I’m already tired of chasing.[/QUOTE]
    Stop putting others above you look at the words you use to describe yourself GET ON YOUR OWN SIDE
    BigCatTunski likes this.

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