Beneath Triggers, Beneath Urges, There's Unwillingness

Greetings,
I've found much helpful information here lately on trigger identification, and dealing with them. i.e. Cold showers, walks, deeper beauty focus, meditation (insert your favorite thing). There are all worthwhile tips and alternate activities. But I have a deeper problem - willingness. Cold showers are fine but you have to be WILLING to go to the bathroom and get in one. I also have a problem with mental justifications for using. I found myself tonight, as soon as I was alone, after two very successful days just mentally giving in. I was barely triggered, I had low level cravings, but I was bored and missing porn and so I just caved in mentally. I find myself thinking I just don't care if I succeed. Fuck it. I didn't want to give it up entirely, but I just thought "I need a break, I deserve a break, I don't want this bad enough" . . . that's a very bad place to be. I realize that like you, I have a higher calling . . . a calling to be a proper husband, and father to my daughters. A calling to be a helpful advocate and supporter to others who want change in their lives. I lose my willingness, I don't seem to want it that bad in those moments. Since I'm also in alcohol/drug recovery, I understand the idea of giving up on sobriety strictly because you've just stopped caring, but in the AA community, I'm succeeding because I have support at home too . . . when it comes to porn, I'm totally closeted. No one knows. I opened up the computer and browsed through a ton of ImageFap photos and a few videos. I was just ready to start picking a few to Fap to and my wife came home. I determined to stay up after she went to bed to get back to it. But instead, my daughter came in and sat down across from me with her laptop and started writing. That NEVER happens. Coward that I am, I was planning on heading right to the porn sites, hopefully to be alone with them . . . . but she saved me - perhaps this is the Grace of God somehow, giving me a way out when I unwilling to make the right choice. I'll be alone all day tomorrow. I know I'm as shaky as can be . . . how many times can the Grace of God stop the inevitable? Maybe being home alone is my trigger but I have stuff that has to be done here and I can't leave the whole day. It's time to grow up. I fucking hate it. I want to stay an impetuous child . . . . and yet I know that even deeper, underneath that level of unwillingness is another level. . . . the one who is called.