Benzodiazepine addiction vs porn addiction

About ten years ago I began self medicating with xanax ( alprazolam ) to help me with anxiety. A friend was taking them and she gave me one to try and it worked and I then started to purchase them myself. At the time I could buy them over the counter here. Within weeks I was taking two to just leave the house, not feeling safe until I could feel flooding numbness filling my muscles and head. It would not be uncommon for me to take three a day especially if I was going to a shop. Six months later my sister got married, I was walking her down the aisle, I had five beforehand and 2 or 3 more through the afternoon. Soon after I went to talk to my doctor about it and she said I need to quit them ASAP. She said she would never give more than 3 of these tablets to patient and only if they were in real distress. So I knew I had to quit. Benzos are supposed to be incredibly difficult to quit, if you stop cold turkey it can be dangerous so I had to slowly reduce. And I did. It took about 4 or 5 months i think, slowly reducing but then that was that. I did keep one tablet in my wallet as a kind of safety net but after a while i threw that away. I can say that pmo is way harder than a full blown benzo addiction. I can identify them as two different types of addiction. The xanax was to feel safe in the moment, it was always about feeling safe and numb, nothing could get too close to me. Pmo is a non stop craving, when i break it down in my mind it is a craving for nothing, some empty space, like an answer to an unknown question. I was just reading a few mintues ago a thread on porn addiction, it listed a few fetishes, one of which is my absolute favourite and my whole body rushed, just from seeing the words. I was worried I was about to relapse because usually that feeling means Im looking at porn or about to. I was so unsure of what I was about to do next because i have auto piloted that so many times. I have a calender right next to my desk, it says 15th day today, no way was I about to chuck that in. I had that rational, conscious thought and the craving left, unfulfilled. That is what it will take, every time. For me to look objectively at it, to leave the subjective position and have a better view of the craving. And like that it will appear ridiculous every time, I pray.

 

Thanks man, yes there is no better feeling than feeling like myself!

I'll check out your podcast, about five years ago I started drinking ayahuasca, I am interested in how entheogens can bring about healing.