Best Friends?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Mar 18, 2018.

Should Your SO Become Your BF?

  1. Yes

    23 vote(s)
    85.2%
  2. No

    2 vote(s)
    7.4%
  3. Not Sure

    2 vote(s)
    7.4%
  1. I had one friend who said his wife was his best. He would be constantly calling her and seemed to genuinely enjoy being around her. Another friend is the opposite. He said his wife isn't his friend. At times there seems to be a mistrust amongst them. My friend hopes she doesn't leave him but said he isn't sure if she's happy.

    So what do you think: should your SO be your best friend?
     
  2. I certainly think your SO should at the very least be among your very best friends if not your best friend.
     
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  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly, your partner in life should be your friend, if not your best friend. Here is the thing, if you are only with your partner for romantic/sexual reasons, that stuff fades with time. So what happens when the sex and romance rocks in the first year or three, and then 10-20 years down the line you look at the other person and realize you don't really like them because they aren't your friend.

    Friends are people you have something in common with, get along with, and genuinely enjoy them as a person.

    Is your partner is just there for romance that would be a very shallow and empty relationship long term, so yes I think when figuring out who you will be with, you should ultimately get along with, because romance/sex fluctuate throughout relationships.
     
  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I don't think it is should they be, but are they? You can't really force friendship. My SO is my best friend and he says I am his. It is something that developed over time. Other then all this PA stuff we get a long very well, talk and are open. Even more so now that we are working through the addiction. We enjoy each others company and doing things together. I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't also my friend, that would be a poor relationship and I don't think it would last.
     
  5. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Define best friend

    I don't tell everything to my friends. But I could tell anything to my friends. I can talk to them anytime, yet I can talk to them once in a while, and no connection is lost. I can keep secrets from them and they have a suspect and only laugh about it. I can be miles away from my friends, and not terribly miss them, and they are ok with it. You see there are two sides to the friendship, one of that side might not be acceptable to a SO.
     
  6. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Holy cow... This means me and my SO are not even friends then.... !!!!!
     
  7. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Have you read triangular theory of love by professor Robert J Stenburg? It is beautiful. There are eight different love types based on the components passion, intimacy and commitment. The type without passion and intimacy but only commitment is called empty love. The one that I am in right now.
    But until I read your post, I thought we (me, SO) are just friends, not lovers.
     
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  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Gooding No I haven't, but I've heard of the theory. I am sorry you feel there is no passion or intimacy in your relationship, that's very painful.
     
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  9. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    It has been 19 years. There is lot of history. My counselor thinks our relationship has some healthy & positive aspects. But it is empty love at this point. I need to complete my reboot and recovery first....... Thanks
     
  10. Whatever a best friend is to the individual is what a best friend is. There is no general definition of what a best friend is in this regard.
     
  11. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut
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    If this is the case, you’ve answered yourself. Your SO is your SO, your best friend is your best friend. It means what it will mean to you, the importance is in the relationship, not the concept or label.
     
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  12. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Yes this is well done, I remember showing this and explaining to my hubby!
    My and I’s Fist promise to each other 18 years ago was that we would always be friends first, partners in crime and adventures together.
    When he turned away from me and our relationship emotionally even as a friend, that is when our relationship went sideways. Something I have said, the root word of relationship is relate, you are friends with someone because you relate to them for various reasons otherwise they are an acquaintance. Many people confuse the two and we had for a time became what felt like acquaintances that lived together.
    We are not just rebuilding our relationship we are rebuilding our friendship and reconnecting to the deep love. He’s letting go of the infatuation that he has confused as love.
     
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  13. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    I wonder why he turned away...
    And how long did you take to notice that and what you did to fix that...

    note: I know why and when I turned away... And I am still mad at my SO. I will not return to her without some very serious discussions in front of a professional counselor making my stand LOUD and CLEAR.
     
  14. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Well in a nutshell, it was resentment and contempt. He “wanted to be free” (free to sleep around came out in our recovery conversations). I didn’t not know or understand the depth of his PA for a long time, a lot was taken out on me and in turn I didn’t always take it well. In retrospective he was starting to cross the line into sex addiction.

    He felt numbness for a very long time and told me he “loved me but didn’t know if was in love with me”. He truly had an intimacy disconnect and it had felt as he blamed me, usually because he would vocalize it to me now and again when he was at worst.
    We would go through phases with this, we would “work through it” or so I thought and things would get better and as they would get better he would end up spiraling again and the spiral would get worse every time. What we are learning is his fear of intimacy, “sabotaging” when things went good, continuing the “self soothing” behaviors throughout the good times.

    We went through affair recovery and now PA recovery as PA was the root to the acting out in real life. Through PA recovery we are working on the root to that.

    I have stronger personal boundaries at this point, I won’t gaslight my self or let him, he knows if somethings happen again it’s line in the sand for me.

    I can’t fix him only me, it’s his responsibility to fix himself. We are fixing our selves together with the support of the other.

    We are having the hard vulnerable discussions, we are learning to connect and compassionate honesty is huge.

    We are learning to have fun again and support each other equally.

    I have forgiven myself and him, I have let go of the anger and my resentment towards him and myself.

    We are learning the little important things like taking each other’s bids, appreciating and truly knowing each other.

    I see it as a choice, when I was ready I chose to continue to love him, I chose to take a leap of faith and start trusting him again. I don’t think I could have done it without the choice he made to start and continue to recover from PA. My decisions were based on feeling his behavior changes were genuine and honest with a lot of personal accountability on his end.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2018
  15. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Sounds like, regardless of all the issues, you two are friends.

    I could relate to below things in your above post. Reading your post enabled me to further analyze me better. I don't know whether I elaborate in this thread, but I would like to...
    • “wanted to be free”
    • "loved me but didn’t know if was in love with me"
    • "blaming", "fear of intimacy", “sabotaging”, “self soothing”
     
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  16. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    We are but there were times when we weren’t or rather didn’t treat or respect as friends. It’s been a long hard road for us but we are now better friends in a stronger relationship together.
     
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  17. How long did it take you? How long was it until you were ready??
     
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  18. osmowife

    osmowife Fapstronaut

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    My husband is my best friend.

    I don't think couples "should" but I think it's great we are.
     
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  19. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    4 years after dday#1, to be honest it took knowing he was 100% honest with me at DDay #2.
    He was still hiding and lying to me over those 4 years and that impacted the healing with the betrayal trauma for me.
     
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  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Overall, not including the PA side - my husband and I have a lot in common, very similar interests - tv, movies, games, you name it. At times the whole marriage began feeling more like we were friends with benefits. I have more interests in line with him, then with my girlfriends. The PA in him though, that's what killed out love, growth as a couple, intimacy, true honesty and vulnerability. I can only IMAGINE what all those years could have been if we were connected at every level, not just 'as friends'.

    Personally, I don't think you should be in a marriage with someone that you can not consider a friend. It's not something I would be able to do at least.

    That's such a challenge for me, I don't know if I can get past; not just the betrayal, but the second-guessing of "what if" "what if he goes back to lying"......

    How did you gather the strength to make such a leap of faith? I am loving his new changes, the effort - I mean he's putting in work for once, but could it be too good to be true?! I just don't know! ugh, this is such a challenge/conflict for me, I just want to say you are so strong @Jennica.
     
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