Betrayal Trauma PTSD BOYFRIEND SECRET PORN ADDICTION

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Porn is destroying us, Jan 20, 2021.

  1. Porn is destroying us

    Porn is destroying us New Fapstronaut

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    ** TRIGGER WARNING **
    I just signed up five minutes ago. I don't know if I'm allowed to post stuff here or not. I didn't read over all the rules or even go looking for them. I'll just assume if this is inappropriate someone will just delete it. I need to get my story out there.
    FEMALE WITH A
    PORN ADDICTED BOYFRIEND
    We were dating and he asked me to fix his computer. It was loaded with virus. Not your every day virus but the kind people pick up from porn sites. He blamed it on someone else and assured me it wasn't him. I believed him and I had no walls of protection. Now we live together and during those 4 years he destroyed 2 more devises because of porn. I've had a cell phone since they came out and I have never seen a virus on my phone.

    But I take his word that it's someone else and not him. One summer afternoon about 3 months ago I hear sexual moaning coming from his room. I stood frozen for a minute debated if I should just ignore it or go see what he was watching. After about 2 minutes I got up because it hadn't stopped. I walk down the hall way and punch the wall so he would hear me coming and hide whatever he was doing. See I'm cool like that. Only thing it he didn't hear the very loud punch I did to the wall. Although it was right next to his bedroom door. His door was wide open and I stood there looking at him laying on his bed watch a porn video. He was facing right at me. All he had to do was move his eyes a little and he would of seen me standing right in the middle of his door way. I stood there right out in the open watching him watch porn on his phone for about 3 minutes. I was studying his facial expressions. Identifying everyone he made. My feet were glued to the floor. I could move them. My lips were glued shut. I couldn't speak. I was literally Frozen unable to move. Only thing that was moving inside my body with my heart it was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to fly right out of my chest. Finally I was able to move and I dodged right for him reaching for his phone which he then finally saw me and put his phone out of reach where I couldn't grab it. Every lie a man can tell was flying out of his mouth. I could feel the chemicals being released from my brain flowing through my veins through my entire body even down to my toes I felt it as it traveled throughout my entire body. Overwhelming amount of fear came flooding through me. At that very moment I knew my life as I new it was over. From that moment on my life will never be the same. Because if how well he told his lies I had zero defense inside. Me. I had no natural protections at my disposal. I was side swiped with no armor at all. I was In shock. I couldn't even talk. I just ran outside. It felt like I had just walked in on him having sex with a real live person and I was forced to watch it.
    I am 48 years old and I have never experienced such fear like that in my life. The pain was more than I could bear. I stayed in shock for a full month unable to process what I had just witnessed. I believed him when he said he didn't watch p*** I believed him when he told me he didn't like that stuff. And then to walk in on him in the act it destroyed me. And that day on until now 3 months later I don't think I've got one day I haven't cried. I can't be with him now I cannot be with him now after what he did. I suffer from what they call betrayal trauma with PTSD and it's a real thing. My favorite thing in the world is going to my work my own business I own my own store I love selling and talking to customers I can make really good money doing that. But ever since that happened and that's when he told me he mostly watched it was when I was at work I can't even get out of my car to go inside. I cry for three hours in the morning before I even go into the store. I hide from the customers not wanting to face them thinking they'll be able to see right through me and know that something's wrong. What used to be the happiest place to go to now is my worst trigger. I drive home and I see the spot where I had the flat tire and he had to come out and help me I smile for a second and then I realized no that was at the time he was cheating on me that isn't a good time and I start to cry. Looking back over all the intimacy that we had and whatever memories I have I'm trying to pick apart each and every one of them trying to figure out when or if it was me he was making love to verses when he was just horny from what the women in p*** gave him and he was just using my body to release all the sexual energy they put in him not coming from me. That has changed me forever. I will never be the same person I once was. Im not sure if im going to reach a day where the pain is no more and I can breathe comfortably without having a 500 pound boulder sitting on my cheat. Sleep doesn't help me excape the pain. I feel it there too with the same nightmare over and over again. I sleep with tissue because most likely I will wake up crying in my sleep. 24-7 billions of thoughts flood my brain. He's lost and doesn't know how to help me. So he's stays angry at me. In our house his shame trumps my pain. He's abandon me a second time. Leaving me completely alone suffering in hiding. I cry for hours in the bathroom. My crying makes him angry. So I have to hide it. I just need to know he loves me and that I am beautiful. Out of our 4 years together was there just one time he made love to me just because of me or has it always been the arousal they put in him and used my body to finish the job as he fantasizing about them their perfect bodies. I went from feeling like the safest woman in the world to now the most worthless unattractive women. For me and I don't care what any woman says. My self worth is in my sex appeal. Why do you think women spend so much money on clothes and make up. Getting nails and hair done. Own every pair of shoes? Why is that guys. Why do you think women do that. We do it so you will look at us and think that woman there that's all I need.
    I'm aging and my looks are fading as it is. When he knew I didn't know and I was In the next room he had a choice. Come lust over me and be with me or ditch me go to his room and lust over porn. When he knew I didn't know there was an option to guess which one he picked every time? I'll help you out. It wasn't me. Now that I know he's trying to say he hasn't watched it for 3 months. He's choosing me. Oh boy you have gone 3 months without cheating on me. For one he's lying and 2 it's to late. What he does now means nothing to me. It was back then when it mattered. Getting caught verses coming to me is what decided his fate. I'm leaving him. I will be moving out soon.
    He keeps saying he never beat off. Ok well the only other option is use me to do it. He can't even get a hard on at all with me. I bet he can for porn.
    When it really mattered he chose porn. He gets to live with that choice now.
    Gain control men. You are destroying the human race as we know it. Do you really need to watch strangers having sex? Go make your own sex. That is not normal. You are destroying lives every video you clicked.
    Thanks

     
    Mr Anderson, jrm61, dig deep and 3 others like this.
  2. TheForsakeen

    TheForsakeen Fapstronaut

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    all i have got to say is don't take it too personally, no woman in the world can keep up with the amount of sex a porn addict need, if you get him help maybe its salvageable; masturbation and sex are two very different things.
     
    jrm61 likes this.
  3. Red Riot

    Red Riot Fapstronaut

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    I can't imagine how are you feeling, how painful it must be. It means nothing coming from a stranger, but i'm really sorry to hear that.

    This forum is for every kind of porn-related problems: physical, mental or spiritual, and that affects the porn consumer, friends, relatives or others. So your post is fine.

    I haven't been in any similar situation and i'm not a friend nor part of your family, so i shouldn't be the one to advise or comfort you.
    But there are plenty of people, in this forum and mainly near you (friends, relatives, therapists, priests, specialists, etc...), who know more about this, and will be able to advise you better.

    Finally, i wanted to thank you for sharing your pain with us. It must be hard, but reading this kind of testimonies make me more conscious about what porn and masturbation really are, and how it affects not only us, but the people around us. Again, thanks.

    I wish you the best luck, so you can overcome this trauma.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2021
    LSTHX likes this.
  4. FoundTheFreedom

    FoundTheFreedom Fapstronaut

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    I believe I'm a recovering porn addict. First, I appreciate you posting it. I've had my addiction for nearly 40 years. I've only had two girlfriends and I once slept with a married woman, against my personal code. I am not proud of that. Throughout all of this, i had ED and couldn't understand why it was happening. My current partner, who I've been with for 13 years, didn't really know about my addiction until maybe two or three years ago. She figured it out well before me and called it what it was: an addiction. A few months ago, a switch went off in my head and I decided to research porn addiction. I found a few websites on it and did a lot of reading. That is when I knew I was an addict. I honestly never understood the impact this had on my partner until I read your post a few minutes ago. I know my addiction caused me to nearly destroy my relationship. I couldn't see it from her point of view. I started my reboot three months ago. I learned that behind the scenes of porn, there are terrible crimes being committed: kidnapping, rape, human trafficking and more. It got me sick and I never want to see another piece of porn again. I pray every day that I can revive our relationship.

    I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2011 and I had surgery to remove my prostate and cancer. At the time, my partner says it was karmic justice and she was right. I would like to tell you that having sex made me very nervous but after this surgery, it was so much worse. I escalated my porn addiction because I was so fearful that my sex organs were dead. I had no clue at that time it was porn induced erectile dysfunction. After my three month reboot, things are beginning to wake up down there. I never preferred porn to my partner. I was so addicted I couldn't give it up. Not knowing there was a such thing as porn addiction, I was so ignorant.

    My partner and I have not made love since before my surgery. She is now post-menopausal and dealing with severe depression and agoraphobia. No doubt, sex is off the table and I don't know if or when we'll get back to it. I just feel it is my punishment for hurting her. First I hid it from her, then I'd lie about it, and finally I just revealed all I knew to her. I am so sorry you were so hurt. Nobody should have to feel that feeling of betrayal. My partner and I are so distant with each other. I don't know if this relationship can be revived. It may be too late. I don't know what decision you've made - to leave him or to stay. Whatever decision you made, we support you. I am very grateful that your post has made clear how badly I hurt my partner. I will pray for you just as I pray for my partner and myself.
     
  5. FoundTheFreedom

    FoundTheFreedom Fapstronaut

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    I forgot to add that I saved your post into a file. I want to look at it whenever I get an urge and that will surely stop the urge in its tracks. Again, thank you for posting this.
     
    Luvspin68 likes this.
  6. DaleEarnhartJr

    DaleEarnhartJr Fapstronaut

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    Hello,

    I was that man you describe. I am incredibly sorry to hear what you have gone through. I’m going to share my personal experience and offer some suggestions.

    1) you guys need space. It can be expensive, but you need space. Stay at a friends house, or one of you should get an Airbnb for a month (tell him to pull out his credit card). The only way you will start to heal (if you decide to stay together or decide to separate) is if you get this space to process the pain. Staying in the same house is clearly a road block.

    2) if he is getting angry at you, he’s a dick. He is projecting. This is psychological and emotional abuse. He may not be aware of it, but it is. You do not deserve that. If he tells you “porn isn’t a big deal” or tries to say “well I’m a great partner in other ways”, this is downplaying your feelings. It’s also a form of abuse, and you don’t deserve that. Your feelings, needs, wants, and desires are all valid.

    3) know that you ARE beautiful and you DO deserve better. I speak from personal experience, that porn overtakes the brain, and no amount of personal, real life pleasure can compete with that.

    4) if you did decide to stay together, tell him he needs to get help. Pscyhologytoday.com has local listings of psychologists and therapists and more likely than not there will be an expert in sex addiction and pornography. If this isn’t an option, there are plenty of books (physical and audio) as well as free YouTube videos that discuss this situation.

    5) If he denies he’s an addict, it’s time to leave him. Tell him he needs to install porn blockers and age restrictions on all his devices and you will set the passwords. If he is unwilling to do this, it’s time to leave.

    Lastly, and as I mentioned earlier, you are beautiful and you deserve better. You are having feelings of not being worth it. Naturally, you’re thinking “What could I have done differently?” Or “I’m not good enough”.

    My ex partner thought this way for 3 months before she realized it was me and my addiction on along. It had nothing to do with how amazing she is.

    I’m open to talking more either on this thread or feel free to message me.
     

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