Betrayal trauma

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Healmyheart, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    It's getting close to 12 months since he last viewed porn, there has also been more to it than just the porn, he has also had other contacts kept secret including his ex mother in law not married but to the ex before me. As well as other females he knew before me and that are mutual friends with his ex. The porn lasted for the first 2 years of our relationship, the other contacts for the first 3 years . I also found two attemts to look up porn in that time but the blockers stopped him, so in my eyes its still there. Around Christmas he had a revelation and said he really did love me and all was going to stop and he was a changed person since then things have been slowly getting better, he hasn't skipped up but I can't stop living the past over and over again it still keeps coming up in arguments I am so damaged by all of this. When we first met we both agreed that we didn't want to get married again but my views have now changed and I now think it would show a deeper commitment (given the fact in our first year together he was still trying to give off a single image) I am now looking for that deeper commitment from him to show the world and me how commited he is. He's still stedfast on never marring again so I've just said ok I can see there's some big decisions I need to make and just left it at that. Also given just last week he said I meant more to him than any of his ex's ever did. So I said I wanted more given what's happened but he won't give me more( he was married twice before and the last one a long term relationship 10 years ) I don't want to lose this relationship but want to stand my ground and want every one to see he's commited to me given the fact he was trying to look single and was also in contact with his ex wife from over 10 year's ago when we first got together .
     
  2. If I understand this correctly, then it sounds like basically the only commitment he's more devoted than he is to you, is his commitment to not marry again. And IF that is the case, then it sounds like you're going to have to choose between being in a relationship (but never a marriage) with him, or leaving him for a relationship that will eventually turn into a marriage.
     
    Healmyheart and fadedfidelity like this.
  3. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I hope you worked it out for yourself. It sounds like you agreed to never marry in the beginning and then changed your mind and expected him to as well. Not really fair in my opinion. If you want more, then move on.
     
    Joe1023 likes this.
  4. Just from an outside perspective this sounds like manipulation.

    You both agreed that you didn’t want to be married again in the beginning. You say that you want him to show you more of a commitment because he acted out in the beginning of the relationship. You’re upset that he kept contacts of females and you want to marry him because you want the commitment. It doesn’t say anywhere in your post that you want him to marry you because you are in love with him.
    Betrayal trauma sucks. I also am close to 1 year from DDAY (days away actually will be one year) we still argue and fight and I still have anxiety and suffer. I get it! But it doesn’t seem fair to be upset that he doesn’t want to get married when you knew this from the beginning.
     
  5. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    From the beginning he was in his porn brain and I feel women including me were just objects. One of his biggest excuses was always " i wasn't thinking straight" so now its you weren't thinking straight when you said you'd never get married again, that was porn brain talking. Now down the track and giving it much thought. I can see that by actually marrying someone show alot greater commitment. Its like show me porn brain isn't talking and the past didn't happen and what you would actually do. He's been married twice before so he can do it but to say its never worked out before and not even give me a chance is like hes waiting for it to end like im not all he says, im not as good as the others he did marry
    It would actually cement for me that I do actually mean that much and he really does want to make it work with me forever and not just words to keep me. My views have now changed completely as I didn't even know porn addiction was such a thing until I met him. I've never felt like this ever in my whole life. I want to see he is committed to me 100%. He pissed so much in my pocket when we first met saying how great and wonderful I was and the best person he's ever met. now I want him to prove it and act on all the stuff he fed me. Otherwise the words mean nothing after everything he's done. Im wanting him to turn it all around so that my feelings match his words. While I'm getting nothing in that way I'm still feeling not enough and just like a trophy or possession he must have. Without the full commitment. I did absolutely fall head over heals in love with him.....all the words anyway.... now I'm wanting him to act on it and show me. I was lead to believe it was a fairy tale relationship the best I'd ever had soulmates such a deep conection, for it to all come crumbling down. I was absolutely broken shattered beyond belief, how could someone who said all this stuff be so cruel beyond words to do that to me. I had been gaslighted to the max!! So unfortunately now I do want the full commitment to prove all those words true. Absolutely no manipulation intended.
     

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