Big relationship issues

Hey Jacobb, welcome to the forum. Your story sounds far too similar to mine and probably many others on this forum. I gave up P for my wife, relapsed and continued doing it in secret for years. I told her at one point that I'd only looked twice when I was regularly using it and all the time my ED and DE were getting worse. I remember being at my lowest point after telling her, the weight of my betrayal suddenly came crashing down on me.

The first thing I wanted to say is that it's really positive that you've gone PM free. I don't know exactly how long that's been for? It's important to keep your resolve high towards quitting and not allow negative emotions to pull you back towards it.

You need to be honest with your partner about your recovery. I wasn't completely honest early on and it just makes things worse when additional things do come to light. Have you told your partner everything regarding what you did and are you being completely honest now? A good way to share your recovery with her is to post a regular journal on this forum about how things are going and discuss it with her. My wife's asked lots of questions about what I was watching and when I was watching it. At first my instincts as an addict were to lie and deflect but you have to push through that. The trust can only be repaired when there are no more lies.

I would suggest you do at least some time on "hard mode" (no O of any kind). When I first started my wife was so disgusted that she didn't want to have sex with me but since then I've done several stints of about 30 days. The usual aim is to go 90 days PMO free. I know a lot of couples don't make it that far but I think it's important in terms of building your willpower and giving you something to focus on. By not Oing you begin to reset yourself sexually and start to recover from your porn-induced ED. Be prepared that it might take significantly longer to fully recover, even after a year I sometimes suffer from DE if we are having regular sex.

In terms of showing her you've changed, you have to make changes in all aspects of your life. Quitting PM is a good start but there are likely other areas of your life that you could improve in. Think about what else you can you do to be a better partner or better father? You could also work on yourself by exercising more or starting a new hobby.

It's definitely going to take time. You and your partner will both be going through your own seperate recovery processes, which will sometimes be at different stages. It's important to provide your partner with the support she needs when she needs it and be understanding of what she is going through. I definitely recommend researching into "betrayal trauma".

Hope this helps, it sounds like you are off to a good start with your recovery process. Best of luck with your journey!

 

It sounds like your wife is in trauma. It is very common for partners to experience betrayal trauma when they find out about our secret lives. The fact that we viewed pornography or masturbated is hurtful in and of itself but the lies and deception are usually more hurtful than the acting out.

It will take time, lots of time. There is a pretty article here that talks about that:

https://emotionalabuseintervention.com/2020/08/27/i-am-a-changed-man/

I would suggest that you find professional help but hold off on couples counseling until you can really understand the impact that your choices have had on your partner. There can be healing. There is hope. She needs to find her own healing and you need to find yours. Once you can both be in a healthy place than it could be time for couples counseling.

When men confess that they have been living with secrets the feeling is freeing. We are unloading a burden we placed on ourselves and their is some relief associated with that. When our partners are confessed to it is only harmful. There is pain, lots of pain. It is easily for us to say or believe, I have changed. But our partners look at the last year, 5 years, 10, years (however long we have been keeping those secrets) and they question EVERYHTING. They question if we ever loved them. They question every tender moment they had with us. They question their relationships with God and other friends. They do not know what is safe anymore. It is a scary place to live. We have to be so respectful of the time it takes for that to heal.

 

So.. you basically leave your life behind for this woman. Work, family.. friends. Why doesn't she moved in with you? You lost in this negotiation really badly, she is the center of your life now. An man is about his goals, ambitions, purpose. You left all that because of her, you put her in a pedestal an do what ever she wanted to be with her. She has all the control in the relationship and that is not going to work in the long run.

You knew you had an addiction and wasn't capable to comply what she asked, but you were so afraid to loose her that you preferred to accept what ever she proposed to you. Again, she have all the power and you keep yourself submissive to her. That sounds a pair of equals to you??

You say one thing to her but you did another. The most important thing about a man is his word, a man is consistent with his word. he does what he says he is going to do, a woman trust in his man word, when a woman can trust in his guy is all over.

Woman are really intuitive about this things, is really difficult to hide this from them.

Another lie and you showed her that you were in fear of loosing her, basically that you deserve her and if you loose her you are not going to be able to found another woman like that in your life. Very masculine off your part..

you did and it blows up in your face.

No matter how bad you f*k it up, she still care about you and have the hope you can man up eventually.

She is angry about you not been a man, you are like a little pussy to her, she want a man not another child.. the only way to calm her down is to start been a man.

this is how woman test your strengh, he is throwing at you all the shit she can and you just put up with it. Instead of holding your ground and tell her calmly that she is not allowed to scream at you or call you names, you just put up with it thinking that is going to calm her down. Be a man, she is shelling at you so you can step up and be a man, she is HELPING you to step up and be a man to her.

you are all over the place, get your shit together. a woman wants a confident man that knows what he is doing. You are only displaying weakness to her, and that is turning her off, getting her angry and worried about it.

Start to be a MAN. there are a lot of books and serious youtubers that teach you how to be a man. You still have the chance to turn this over with your wife, but don't blame it on porn. Porn is the least problem you have. Search for material of becoming a real man, the typical Alpha, the the weak nice guy your are now. I always recommend coach corey wayne book "How to be a 3% man", it could do wanders with you if you give him a chance. It's free to read online.. so you have excuses, give it a go an let me know what happens when you start to act like a real man.

 

The post above has some really bad advice in my opinion. Sorry p1n1983 but I challenge your description of what it means to be a man.

There is nothing more manly that taking what you deserve. If you have betrayed your partner you deserve to be yelled at, called names, etc. Saying, "you can't talk to me like that" (even calmly) after you have lied to, betrayed, and manipulated your partner is not being a man, it is being a little boy who doesn't know how to accept the consequences of his actions.

Once again, the most manly thing you can do when your partner is expressing her hurt in whatever way she chooses to do that, is to listen. Don't speak until she is done. Let her express herself. Sit in the pain with her. The truth is we probably deserve far worse treatment for what we have done. If we really got what we deserved our partners would leave us after finding out about our secret lives.

She is not testing you by getting angry. She is in trauma and is hurt beyond what she knows how to communicate. She will figure it out, it will take time.

This isn't a game.

Being an Alpha male is the opposite of manhood. A real man is kind, listens to others, is generous, takes counsel from many sources, is patient, is loving, knows how to express his feelings appropriately, stands for truth, etc.

Confidence in yourself has NOTHING to do with standing up against a betrayed partner who feels hurt and alone. NOTHING.

Confidence in yourself is displayed by recognizing what you have done and doing all you can to live amends. It is about self control.

A real man is not about his ambitions, goals, and purpose. A real man sets aside what he WANTS for what is NEEDED. Sometimes the needful thing is for a man to work hard, sometimes it is to set aside his ambition for the good will of his family.

What is described above is narcissism, not manhood.