Bingeing

I relapsed last night. Before my goal of upto 31 December. I was a little angry but I am calm. I really thought I had it this time. It's alright. I did have one of my longest streaks. I have reached new levels. I have gotten way way better at this. I am not crushed emotionally, or anything bad. I feel good. Feel optimistic.

Every time I relapsed I binged. Because I relapsed I'd be like what-the-hell anyway going straight for the binge. I've tried a few times not to binge, but it has never worked for me. Ever. Even if I didn't binge that day, I have inevitably done so in a day or two. Or at least on the third day.

I got off once last night. I still haven't had too much tension to binge. But the temptation will come around soon, I know. But this time I am going to learn what happens when I avoid the binge. It is not impossible to not binge, so many people say. They say it makes you stronger. I want that. Stronger. Even if I didn't complete my goal upto 31st December but learned not to binge this time, and can get stronger - that will be far greater progress. At least I won't soak myself up in Dopamine in the future when I relapse.

I need to clean up every bit of the mess I've created. Bingeing is one of them. All these days during my relapse, I was deliberately overlooking this habit thinking, ah- if I don't relapse at all, I don't have to binge. But that hasn't happened all these years. I need to learn to be in control of the binge. I think I have given no attention to binge relapses. Attention to that, could have built me stronger, and helped in much longer streaks or even to quit. So here's to that. No BINGEING.