Book review: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means

Overall, I think this is a great book for partners. It really did help me take a step back and to be able to look at ways to approach dealing with my husband being an addict.

I did find the first half of the book a little too much when it came to proving that partners were not co-addicts and were likely to be suffering from relational trauma, and in some cases PTSD. I wasn't aware that partners were considered as co-addicts previously and I do find that really shocking. I'm very happy that this is now the accepted method to deal with partners. For me, the outlines about relational trauma and PTSD were basic but had enough information in them for my situation. I don't feel that I am suffering in this area too much - I do check many of the boxes in the relational trauma section.

The book gave me some clear ideas on how to move forward. It was something I was struggling to grasp and this was a big help. I am sure I'll refer back to this book as time goes on.

Here are some highlights from the book.

"If the attachment bond you felt for your partner has been violated and broken...all the warmth, safety, joy and comfort that the relationship formally held can no longer be counted on. The relationship now becomes a source of danger, because you've discovered that much of what you believe about the one you love was a lie."

"Discovering that the person you think you know so well... Has locked you out of a secret part of his or her life is shocking and repulsive."

"Another reason healing is frequently hard work is that pornography prevents true intimacy"

"Partners seek truth, not control, though many fail to understand this. A partner's motivation for truth stems from the need to once again feel safe - to keep the environment safe to prevent further trauma and pain. Like a typhoon victim, he or she seeks higher, drier ground."

The section on healing from trauma I found particularly useful. It list the stages partners go through, talks of how to get help, provides info on support groups and therapy, also suggests a polygraph test for the addict (don't think this is necessary for me). The highlights for me were talking about boundaries and triggers.

"Creating boundaries with the goal of making the spouses "stop" certain behaviors places us in a sort of distasteful parent / army sergeant / police officer mode that embroils rebellion and is destined for failure."

The section from crisis to stability focuses on techniques to allow the partner to address the fears and grief. It goes into info about processing, distraction techniques, dissociation and cognitive distortions.

The last chapter that I found particularly helpful was on focusing on the future.
The six ingredients of empowerment

1. Healthy boundaries
2. Maintaining solid grounding
3. Self-awareness, impersonal energy and executive awareness
4. Healthy communication skills
5. Healthy conflict management skills
6. Reframing ourselves as survivors rather than victims

The book also includes stories from partners. Some are very sad. Some are supposed to be uplifting but I still feel that they are depressing as these people's lives have changed forever. Most of the stories are from the severe end of the scale. I'd like to see some more balance with stories that are not so extreme.

When can I trust again?
"A trustworthy person bears certain markers: they are consistent (predictable), they take responsibility for their own actions and they admit when they make mistakes rather than blame others. They do what they say they are going to do and their behaviors match their words. Trust is something that takes only seconds to shatter but takes what feels like an eternity to rebuild."

There is also a section on detachment, for those that need this. I can see this being very helpful in the early stages.