Hi, I'm new here. Also I'm in a really really bad place. I appreciate anyone reading...it's going to be a stupidly long backstory. Been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Told him at the beginning of our relationship that my last long-term relationship had ended due to a porn addiction, and that because of this I was really uncomfortable with my partner watching porn. I said if he felt he needed it I respected that and did not judge him for it, but would then rather just be friends. He of course swore to the high heavens that he didn't need it, and I think he actually believed this was true. He knew that this betrayal by my partner had sent me into depressive tailspins in the past and promised that he would never do that to me. He said that he loved me and respected me and didn't need anyone else, that I was enough. Our sex life was really healthy, both of us genuinely enjoying the sex during and after. I stay fit, try to look good, do everything to be an excellent sexual partner. I made him promise that this was enough for him. Maybe my first mistake was asking too much of him and giving him that ultimatum. I have begun to believe that all men need porn and can never change, and that to ask that of them is an "unreasonable expectation" and will always lead to lying. Real women just aren't good enough for them. Over the course of our relationship I have found pornography on his computer multiple times. I ask him if there's anything he would like to talk about or be honest with me about, that he doesn't have to be afraid to share that, and I am there to support him. I try really hard to come from a place and non-judgement with the hope that he will at at least be honest with me. Instead of taking this opportunity to open and up and talk about how he has indeed watched porn despite knowing its effects on me, he lies to my face and swear's on his mother's life that he didn't use porn. I then confront him with the fact that I know the truth and after hours of my questioning him he finally admits to the full extent of things. I cried, he promised he would never do it again, that he loved me, that I was enough for him, etc. Months go by. I then find that he has watched porn AND gone to a strip club the first day (45 minutes away--some real effort put in here) after I was out of town for the week visiting a friend. Same cycle. I ask, he denies. Claims he only thought about going there. I press further. Claims he only drove there. More questions. Admits to going into the club for a drink but claims he didn't "really watch." At that point I just gave up asking. He promised he would never do it again. Promised that even if we weren't together, he would never go back. Promised he loved me. The thing is that every time I have forgiven him. We live together. For some reason I love him. For some reason I can never leave him, because I want to believe so badly that he can change and that our relationship can be what I so badly want it to be. He promises to do better, he says it's not just for me but for himself, he wants to be a better person. He thanks me for forgiving him and is otherwise wonderful, is nice to me, does things for me, all the marks of a good partner. But I can never stop thinking about the lying. Every sex scene we see on TV, every attractive woman who walks by, every time I'm not there looking over his shoulder I feel anxious and paranoid that he's betraying me and lying to me. Eventually after weeks of him being super devoted I begin to forgive and trust him again: maybe this time he really has changed, I mean, he sees how deeply it hurts me so that must be motivation enough. Maybe I'm being crazy and paranoid and I need to stop assuming that everything he does is a lie. Maybe this time it's really different. I recently had to move out of his place because I got into medical school in a different state. In the week leading up I confessed many times that I was anxious about a long-distance relationship. I told him that I knew it would be difficult not having me around, and told him honestly that if he felt he needed an outlet such as porn that I would be open to that, as long as he is honest with me. He says over and over again "no, I don't want that, I don't need that". "I don't need porn, I haven't watched it, and I won't lie to you." And I of course believe him. On May 19 I left. Three weeks go by and we are both looking forward to when I come back to his place to visit him on June 12 (3 days ago). Since May we had been having nice daily phone talks, nothing sexual but him saying he missed me and loved me, etc. Before leaving for the airport to visit him I called and had one more plea for honesty. I told him that I loved and supported him, that I was going to come visit him, but that if there was anything in the past month that happened that I should know about, it would be fair to tell me before I got on the plane. He admitted that he had thought about porn a few times, but had resisted these compulsions. Though it made me sad to think he had thought about doing it, I was not upset because I was relieved he felt he could be honest with me about that. I was so happy that we were finally communicating with eachother and told him that I was not upset because he had been open with me. Or so I thought, right... hahaha I get to his place and the first night is great. I feel so happy and loved. The next day while he's at work I use his computer to look up a dinner recipe and notice he had watched a ton of episodes of a certain TV show. When I look it up I see that it is an Ecchi Anime show--basically just a ton of big-boobed short-skirt japanese school girls in compromising positions, nudity, etc. Through the computer's file history I see that he binge-watched 15 episodes of this show the day after I left. The same day he called to tell me how sad he was that I was gone and how much he loved and missed me. He was watching this show. (But wait, it gets better!) When he gets home from work I confront him about the show, and he admits to watching it. Of course I have the same upset reaction and ask him why he lied to me about it on the phone when I was so willing to listen. He says he doesn't know, that he didn't want to hurt my feelings, that he felt guilty about it. BUT after more and more pressing it turns out not only did he watch this slutty anime, it made him feel so aroused that after multiple episodes he then went to an actual porn website, and jacked off. All I can do at this point is cry and ask why he would lie to me, why he would do this, why I wasn't good enough. All he ever says is "I don't know", "I love you", "you are good enough", "I want to change". But how can I possibly believe him. How many times am I going to fall for this? The betrayal I feel is so immense. Not only did he watch porn, he LIED about it TO MY FACE on MULTIPLE REPEATED occasions. He couldn't even last in our long-distance relationship for ONE DAY without wanting to see other naked women. All of the devotion and memories of my pain COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED the moment he got a f*cking boner. I know that it's not supposed to be my fault. That it's his problem and not mine. But I can't help but feel that it IS my fault. If I were prettier, if my boobs were bigger, if I dressed sluttier, maybe he wouldn't have done this. Before moving out I offered to have phone sex with him or send him pictures or that if he felt horny he should call me and we could talk...and he still would rather go to some girl on the internet. How can that mean anything other than the fact that I am not enough, that I will never be enough for anyone? How can I possibly compete with perfect porn stars or pornographic DRAWINGS. How many times to you have to forgive someone until they start treating you right, or telling you the truth? This is now the second long-term relationship where this has happened and I just don't know what I keep doing wrong. Maybe this is just how men are and I need to learn how to accept it. Maybe the whole "NoFap" community is just delusional and unrealistic. The first step is a "reboot" which my boyfriend has already promised to do so many times, and always fails. Maybe he cannot change, this is just who he is. I genuinely don't know anymore. I feel like I have loved a complete stranger for the past 4 years and I just don't know how I'm supposed to move on from this. Everything feels like a lie and I feel like an idiot. I'm angry, depressed, anxious, and hopeless. He says he knows he has a problem and that he wants to talk to someone about it and do something. But how can I trust him this time?