Boyfriend quit porn for me but still has urges. Is it sustainable?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by trying33, Sep 8, 2020.

  1. Ahiphena

    Ahiphena Fapstronaut

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    I don't think its as linear as that. I obviously don't want to speak for him, but for myself, I can crave "novelty" and still be excited by something I'm familiar with. Or in other words, desire for novelty doesn't always coincide with boredom.
    He's always going to crave some novelty, but it will likely return to a healthier level if he decides to stay on NoFap or at least no-porn. You say that you can understand him being attracted to other people, and this is the same thing. If he values you, and you're working with him, I doubt it will be an issue and it will only become easier if he stays on NoFap.

    I don't mean to come across as rude, but you really need to be talking to him about this stuff. No one here knows anything about this guy, and we don't have a magic "one size fits all" answer to your questions that will make you feel better. Just keep talking to him about it (not nagging, but an actual two sided discussion) and I think you'll find out where things are headed.

    Sometimes you just have to take a risk and trust someone. If he says he's going to stop, and he's shown that he's putting in effort, the best you can do is be supportive and deal with any problems as they come.
     
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  2. Indurian

    Indurian Fapstronaut

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    I'm married and have been together around 16 years.

    The variety he likes and seeks is primarily a method of getting fresh dopamine hits. It really has nothing to do with you not being enough, and he is telling you the truth when he says he would be the same regardless of who is with. People crave these dopamine hits primarily to relieve stress / avoid uncomfortable feelings etc. As others have alluded to he will, at some point in his life, need to address these underlying tensions / stressors.
     
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  3. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I guess you're right. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable. But I guess I'll just try not to think about it. And I have communicated all of this with him and talked it out, I just thought I'd come here for some other thoughts and honestly to try and find a way to accept these urges he has as normal so that I don't have to be as afraid of them. It helps to hear other men say that they have urges too but still love and feel attracted the woman they're with...maybe I shouldn't be seeking that kind of validation but it does make me feel a little bit better.
     
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  4. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    If he knows that acting out, viewing pornography, etc. causes you real pain, he shouldn't want to do it.

    In a healthy relationship if one partner is doing something that harms the other, even if it is not intentional, the partner that is harming the other will stop and never WANT to do it again. When you love someone you lose the desire to harm them.

    I have been married for over a decade. I do not want to view pornography ever again. I do not feel the urge to. I once thought I that the urge to view pornography was biological. It isn't. Emotional and sexual intimacy are biological. Pornography leads to neither emotional or sexual intimacy.

    If he doesn't want to change for himself it is likely that the changes he is making are surface level (I could definitely be wrong, but that has been my experience).
     
  5. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    When you first tried to quit, were you resistant and had urges? And then they went away over time? Or did you start off thinking you were an addict and that you had to stop for yourself?
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I know my husband didn’t think it was a problem. Especially in the beginning when it was only once or twice a week. Although it affected our relationship in so many ways, he just didn’t see it ( honestly , I didn’t understand it either because I didn’t know that’s what it was). He thought it was something everyone did and he’d quit when he got married. Then, it was just something he did when “ I wasn’t home /available”. I felt differently. Obviously when we married(28 years ago)there wasn’t any internet, so his use was very sporadic. It still affected our relationship. We only found out it was an addiction January 2019. Once I discovered it was an addiction and betrayal trauma sites, then I told him that he could decide to get clean, or I was going to leave as soon as our last child graduated. I believe he started out because he was afraid of losing me, but now, he loves who he is clean and wants to be free. I think, even if I did leave, he would continue going to group and counseling in order to stay clean.
     
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  7. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    Glad to hear your positive journey. How did you "find out" it was an addiction? Did he start using it more often, like every day? Or was it still just weekly? And in what ways did it affect your relationship?
     
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  8. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    I still had urges, but it was because I still had an abusive mentality. I still thought I deserved something I didn't. Over time they went away because I took control. If I didn't want them to go away they wouldn't have.

    Abstinence is not that same as recovery. Recovery will only happen if he wants it to happen and puts in the effort to make it happen.

    I actually believed I was an addict for a long time but have since realized that I was making choices the whole time. Addiction makes one believe there comes a moment where another choice is not possible, one has to act out. That was never true for me. There were moments that were really confusing, really hard, where I felt like I needed to. But I always made the choice. Or at the very least I always created situations where I could act out with the least amount of risk as possible.

    Also frequency doesn't indicate where or not there is a problem. In my opinion there is a problem when a man recognizes that his behavior is harmful and doesn't stop, or feels like he can't stop. In your case, he is saying that he stopped, but the vast majority of us here told our partners we stopped when we didn't. If he did really stop that is one step in the right direction. But it unlikely that he will maintain it if there is no inward motivation.
     
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  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    We realized it was an addiction when I stumbled on a betrayal trauma Facebook group. I come from a very stable family and extended family. There is no addiction or alcoholics in our family so I had no idea what that even looked like. The minute I looked up porn addiction it all started to make sense. His use had increased when he went through a very traumatic event at work. He went into a deep depression after the event. That was about 6 years ago. Unlike many addicts, he never tried to persuade me to do things, ie take pictures, perform “ porn” be with others. He never tried to blame me, ie if you looked better, wanted sex more I wouldn’t want porn. He has never belittled me, criticized me or called me names, things many addicts do.
    What he did though, he wasn’t present. By this I mean, he didn’t notice things. He wasn’t emotionally available, he would listen to me talk but not “ hear me”. I would ask him for help with something, he’d say he would do it, but then “ forget”. Now that’s not an abnormal thing to happen, but it was all the time, with everything. The same way a 15 year old boy forgets his chores. Just incredibly selfish. He has been stuck at age 15 until last year. From 18-23 that gap for me wasn’t really noticeable, but by 35, it was getting huge. He controlled and dictated when we had sex, never when I initiated it, and many times only after I got angry at him over the lack of sex. Sex was physically good but lacking something that I couldn’t put my finger on. After years of counseling, we can see that some of our issues were his adhd which was only diagnosed a year ago. His sheer inability to give up porn ( although for years he pretended he had) told me, our marriage would never be real. I wanted honesty and faithfulness and porn use is not faithfulness. Unlike many wives, I didn’t feel like I wasn’t enough, I felt like HE wasn’t good enough for me. He didn’t deserve me. He valued, wanted, porn more than an authentic, loving, sexual relationship. So therefore he was undeserving and too damaged for me. However, because of my children, and because he wasn’t abusive or horrible to me or the kids, it was mainly neglect. I chose to stay. I loved him, but I knew I didn’t deserve this. I’d rather be alone. He knows this. He finally understands just how damaging it is. However, I think for him the turning point was learning it was an addiction. Ironically, he understands addiction. He just never put 2&2 together with his porn use. I believe he was more like a functioning alcoholic with his addiction. He’s successful at work, he never isolated himself, he didn’t become abusive per se. I think any addiction is abusive in a relationship because of the sheer selfishness on the addicts part and because of the lying that generally goes hand in hand with it. He never escalated to cam girls or spent money, he never ogled women. He never acted out irl. His use and content escalated. After 35 years he finally got pied at 46 years old. He had that for 5 years. That went away around 4-6 months clean. He had de for our entire marriage until he got clean. Honestly, it’s so many things. So many things that you don’t even know until they are clean. Things you think” that’s just them” only to find out it wasn’t, it was the addiction. I, personally think, there are far more porn/sex addicts out there than we know. I think it’s so normalized that few realize it has had any effect on them. I think it’s crazy to think that grown 30+ year old men masturbating is normal. Like sucking your thumb is accepted to a certain age, I think that masturbating should also be outgrown. Of course it’s natural for young children self exploring and young teens who have raging horomones and still haven’t learned self control. However, grown men, jacking off in the bathroom while their gf sleeps or rubbing one out because the wife has been gone the weekend shows enormous lack of self control and immaturity. That’s just my opinion.
     
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  10. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    Not sustainable b/c if the desire for quitting is for you and not something he really wants to do--unlikeely he will do it long term.

    Yes men and women can be attracted to other people and I'm sure we've all masturbated to a fantasy or two.

    But saying he needs ”the variety?” Variety can come in the bedroom easily. Using images of other women for it is lazy.

    But the thing is that you are not comfortable with it. Quitting Jerking off to other women should not be a big deal--unless there is a problem.
     
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  11. Sootie

    Sootie Fapstronaut

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    This is what the porn industry does to us women!

    I’m one SO and I completely understands your thinking and feelings, I have them also. Sadly this is what the industry does to women and our thinking just as it affects mans thinking and feeling.
     
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  12. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    Hiii, thank you for your honest words.

    I was in a relationship and porn doomed it. It would have been better if I got rid of it. After the break up she really fast replaced me.
    And she was with him already regulary walking with him, even when we were in a relationship. And there I learned how betrayal feels. How a woman can feel, not to be good enought, only the wish to be connected to one person.

    This pain taught me to hate porn, sexual fantasie and so on. And now I am changing, I am free from webcams and from erotice. But still sometimes relapse on P or thoughts of her. That sucks, but I get better and better.

    I agree with you that any use is harmful in a relationship. I am convinced that it is the way. But you can not change the view of a person, who does not want to change his view. It is his right, like yours, to believe what he wants, even if you are right. You can respectfully ask if you can read together information about this together, if you force him :"READ THIS NOW" it won´t help. And if he reads and is open maybe he will be convinced and change his mind.

    If I am not convienced myself it is not suistainable for me. But not to lose a person, who is important for me, is a huge motivation. And maybe you really are the reason, you are more important althought he does not agree with you. I like that.

    I want to get rid of my addiction, to let my partner feel good enough. But struggeling with something doesn´t mean you are not good enough for him. It is addiction. After some time, if you use porn, an actress, even if she got the perfect body, won´t be good enough. And then comes the next woman. That does not lead to a happy sex life, it is connection. If he is alcoholic and is a year clean and sees somebody drink a beer and his hearts starts beating faster, that is something he cannot control. And when you are convinced porn is wrong, and fighting with it, like me, it makes me also feel bad, because I want to get rid of it.

    He can change if he wants to, but it needs time and self work to convince himself that porn is bad, to hate it and to love it to be free from it and deeply connected with you.

    And all your concerns that you wrote down, did you talk with him about it? That he is able to see your point of view?

    thank you for your honest word, it motivates me even more to quit this addiction, to be able to be the best friend for my future gf/wife. Thank you.
     
  13. I’m so groovy

    I’m so groovy Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to say but if it whenever u leave him he WILL relapse.
     
  14. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

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    IIT is possible to not use pm+ indefinitely, I have several friends who have been free of pm+ for a decade or two or three and still counting. I have not had to use any form of pornography or masturbation or any form of sex with partners other than my spouse since 3/12/13.
    Urges vary, I can only tell you my experience. I often feel urges and a great deal of shame about those and not having to act on them helps me let go of the shame (which is based on an idea that I shouldn't feel that way, there's a big difference saying someone shouldn't feel a particular way versus saying someone shouldn't act the way they feel like acting).
    I'm sorry that you feel hurt that he has urges, maybe there is a thought that it is because of you it something about you that he has them? I can tell you that even though it is natural to have urges and I still have them I have a lot less every year so maybe it is possible to have none I don't know. It's. Complicate d but I think that whatever is true about urges and their long term frequency none of it seems to be anything to do with you: he would think act and feel the same way with anyone as his romantic partner. He may not believe that but probably he has all kinds of untrue thoughts he believes. You don't need him to understand these things, if he is acting the way you want and are ok with there you go but if he doesn't I believe you deserve in a partnership someone who is willing to do as you ask. Also this would all be very different if he were the type who wanted not to use pm+ and was unable to act the way he himself wanted , that is a whole other ball of wax. It sounds like he doesn't really want to give it up but is doing so for you, maybe that is good enough. But it doesn't seem likely to stick for very long. I hope you find yourself in a situation that works for you and makes you happy, with him someone else or just by yourself whatever works best for you.
     

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