Boyfriend suffering with long term porn addiction

A

ALRT

Fapstronaut
Hi everyone,

I'm really not sure what to do so I would really appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance.

My partner and I have been In a serious relationship for just under 2 years. We have also been living together for almost a year. He has always been struggling with a porn addiction even since before I met him (it caused his previous relationship to break down which i wasn't aware of till 6 months into our relationship).

I'll admit he has come a long way and is no where near as bad as he once was. When we first got together up till around 6 months I had no idea any of this was happening. I was so in love with him that I couldn't see all the signs.

He would constantly watch porn, search up and stalk random girls and a lot of our friends even his ex constantly. At the same time he would spam around 50 girls on instagram and would comment quite explicit things. This then lead to direct messages on Facebook, instagram and via Snapchat and text. I've seen multiple of the messages and believe me they were explicit. He has got a lot better and we have had numerous huge talks about it. Up until recently I thought he had sorted himself out but turns out it's still been going on the whole time! Direct messages have stopped as far as I'm aware but my gut is saying he's definitely hiding/ deleting them. It's weird because I feel like I'm paranoid and crazy but every time we're out or driving around I feel like he would rather look at any female in his surroundings but me. Also when I'm with my friends I feel like he Makes actual conversations and try's to flirt like he never has with me?

We had a huge discussion about this last weekend and he really opened up and we had a plan In place to stop his 'urges' that he would message me and we'll either talk about why he's feeling like that or try and dirty talk it out. This was after I found on this app called imgur that was for 'memes' but turns out it's filled with liked pictures and videos of naked women . He then deleted the app without me telling him too and thought wow he actually does want to change and isn't just trying the innocent card so that I won't leave. But last night I went on his internet search history and turns out he'd still been looking at naked women but from the internet not through the app so that I wouldn't notice. I don't want to leave him because he does bring so much to my life and has made me a better person. But recently it's Made me so depressed and I honestly feel so worthless compared to all those naked modelsHow do I know where to draw the line?
Is there any way I can help?
When do I give up?
 
Hi there, sorry to hear about your problems. I dont claim to be an expert and theres no one right answer, but ill give my two cents. Firstly, this is an addiction, plain and simple. And because of that it may have no reflection on you or your relationship. I never had it quite as bad (like the stalking and messaging and things), but my porn use is something that is totally separate from who i am or how i feel toward others. I do my thing, get my release and move on, its like doctor jekyll and mr hyde. Still that being said, thats me and not necesarily everyone, so i dont know if it applies to your situation. It sounds like hes trying and you said he came a long way, so if he brings so much good in your life continue to work with him. Quitting is not easy so he needs all the support he can get and dont let him slack or get away with anything. He needs to know you know when he does wrong. On the other side, it is 'his' problem and you shouldnt have to be burdened with it or forced feel like you arent enough, so if its all too much then you have to move on if thats whats right for you. Anyway, thats my humble opinion, in the end its up to you. Hope you find happiness and i wish you well.
 
Thank you, this has really helped.

What I Do That Defines Me said:
Hi there, sorry to hear about your problems. I dont claim to be an expert and theres no one right answer, but ill give my two cents. Firstly, this is an addiction, plain and simple. And because of that it may have no reflection on you or your relationship. I never had it quite as bad (like the stalking and messaging and things), but my porn use is something that is totally separate from who i am or how i feel toward others. I do my thing, get my release and move on, its like doctor jekyll and mr hyde. Still that being said, thats me and not necesarily everyone, so i dont know if it applies to your situation. It sounds like hes trying and you said he came a long way, so if he brings so much good in your life continue to work with him. Quitting is not easy so he needs all the support he can get and dont let him slack or get away with anything. He needs to know you know when he does wrong. On the other side, it is 'his' problem and you shouldnt have to be burdened with it or forced feel like you arent enough, so if its all too much then you have to move on if thats whats right for you. Anyway, thats my humble opinion, in the end its up to you. Hope you find happiness and i wish you well.[/QUOTE
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Hi, and thanks for reaching out for help!

I am going to speak from my own experiences. I have been married for 7 years but was served divorce papers last week. My wife 9 months ago discovered my secret life which included all that you say your boyfriend is doing, plus I had emotional affairs.

Your boyfriend needs help and he needs to come out of denial. But you cannot force him. It is good that you know about his addiction because you can make a responsible decision to leave or stay. There is a root issue he is hiding while using lust and sex to cover and cope with his demons. You can be supportive and love him but I strongly advise you to be careful with yourself. If he is like me then he will think more commitment with/to/from a girlfriend or spouse will cure him. I felt sure that my porn and masturbation addiction would leave once I got married, nope! My wife is HOT!! Her looks and sex was not enough for me to stop, what I needed was deeper than that. I needed to heal from wounds haunting me from childhood etc.

I suggest introducing your boyfriend to some recovery books, this site or groups in your community. Make it subtle for now because again, he will not change if he is not ready to do the hard work.

Trust me, you do not want to move forward with someone who is not willing to get their life on the right track. An addict of any kind will always put their drug of choice before those closest to them. I know I did and it seems I have lost my wife unless during the Divorce process she changes her mind.

Good luck!
 
Thank you it really has helped to see it from an PA's side as he really does struggle to talk about it sometimes purely because he doesn't think it'd true like it's not actually him doing it? It's very strange but how would you suggest you cope? Have you found any ways to reduce the addictions intensity and relapses?

Thank you, I hope you find your path to recovery one day.

Steer clear said:
Hi, and thanks for reaching out for help!

I am going to speak from my own experiences. I have been married for 7 years but was served divorce papers last week. My wife 9 months ago discovered my secret life which included all that you say your boyfriend is doing, plus I had emotional affairs.

Your boyfriend needs help and he needs to come out of denial. But you cannot force him. It is good that you know about his addiction because you can make a responsible decision to leave or stay. There is a root issue he is hiding while using lust and sex to cover and cope with his demons. You can be supportive and love him but I strongly advise you to be careful with yourself. If he is like me then he will think more commitment with/to/from a girlfriend or spouse will cure him. I felt sure that my porn and masturbation addiction would leave once I got married, nope! My wife is HOT!! Her looks and sex was not enough for me to stop, what I needed was deeper than that. I needed to heal from wounds haunting me from childhood etc.

I suggest introducing your boyfriend to some recovery books, this site or groups in your community. Make it subtle for now because again, he will not change if he is not ready to do the hard work.

Trust me, you do not want to move forward with someone who is not willing to get their life on the right track. An addict of any kind will always put their drug of choice before those closest to them. I know I did and it seems I have lost my wife unless during the Divorce process she changes her mind.

Good luck!
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Thank yo
 
This is a strong and nasty addiction. If you think you have the capacity to stay with him and help him to recover through serious steps not just searching and investigating what he is doing behind your back, god will reward you for that and maybe he will be able to kill his destructive habit.

If you think you don’t have the emotional and mental capacity to do so, move on as soon as possible because you will also suffer instead of him only.
 
I know it's not about doing one thing that'll fix it. But how can I help
Him? There must be ways to get over this? I just want us to be able to start looking towards the future . I love him so so much but how can i think about getting myself into a mortgage with him if he's not going to change.
 
ALRT said:
I know it's not about doing one thing that'll fix it. But how can I help
Him? There must be ways to get over this? I just want us to be able to start looking towards the future . I love him so so much but how can i think about getting myself into a mortgage with him if he's not going to change.
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Don't get into a mortgage with someone you aren't sure about. Even if you love him, it sounds like you have doubts that you will be able to continue this relationship if you don't see change. There's no need to rush into making big life decisions like entering a mortgage together. Take your time to think it over, and communicate your feelings to your boyfriend. As much as you'd like to help him, there are some things you can't do for him. A lot of his recovery is work he's going to have to do on his own, and you're going to have to protect yourself from pain and suffering as a result of his actions.
 
Well first of all he has to admit and notice he has an addiction or else you ain't gonna get anywhere. Tell him about NoFap if you haven't yet.
Maybe show him some of the success stories? There's lots of stories about people who feel way happier and think clearer after abstaining from porn for long periods of time.

If he wants to change,
set up a counter and download http://www1.k9webprotection.com/getk9/download-software so you can block all porn sites and p-subs.

You're gonna have to do the rest yourself this is all i can tell you to do/try right now.
 
ALRT said:
I know it's not about doing one thing that'll fix it. But how can I help
Him? There must be ways to get over this? I just want us to be able to start looking towards the future . I love him so so much but how can i think about getting myself into a mortgage with him if he's not going to change.
Click to expand...

Honestly, im sorry to say theres no magic cure. Ive been trying for 3 years now and im still not free of this addiction. That being said, ive come a long long way. From getting off to porn 3-5 times a day (and sometimes more), to doing it sporatically, sometimes with weeks in between. Also, i think about it a lot less than i used to, i feel more in control. So, if you are willing to work with him he may recover, but know what youre getting yourself in for and prepare for a long struggle. Some tips i could give you are...1. Have him use this website, its full of really good people and its done wonders for me. ...2. Prepare for urges because they will come and they hit hard. It is literally like a drug addiction. When i get on a long streak, sometimes my body will shake really bad because it wants it so much and your brain fills itself with lies, excuses and reasons to give in. You have to recognize that they are lies and block them out...3. Find things to be joyful about. Whenever i am happy and content, i seldom think about porn. Its when im bored or sick or lonely that i usually give in... 4. Avoid all stimulation. If you allow yourself to fantasize you will fail. The images stick in your head until they lead to relapse... ill shut up now, i know im rambling. I sincerly hope it all works out for you. Good luck :)
 
He will not stop until he admits that he has a problem, it is the first step! Coming clean was what I needed. I regret not doing it on my own but through crisis and tragedy I was confronted with the reality of my behavior. Regardless, I stopped it all and immediately jumped into therapy, 12 step programs, found a sponsor that I speak to once a day and found a different church fellowship that would support me through my struggle. Today I am 9 months clean!

While addicted a person is blind to its stronghold. Addiction will convince a person that they have control and power over it, this is not true! We are powerless over the vicious cycle.

You have a choice although you are not the addict, porn and lust will invade your life through your boyfriend and you will suffer his choices if you stick around. Choose wisely and do not become yoked with someone who is not seeking good health and freedom from addiction. Stand your ground and let him know you will not be going deeper into relationship with him until he decides. Perhaps even leave, you have that ease now because you are not married.

The ways I reduced intensity are listed above. Coming clean and facing the truth was the biggest part. Relapse has not come because I stay connected to God and committed to my programs.
 
i think u should make him understand that he is doing wrong u should tell him about this fourm he needs ur support in this bad time don't leave him tell him to do Meditation u both should do meditation it will give him mental strength
 
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