Brain Pains: Ramblings of a former porn junkie Reclaiming His Innate Human Potential

I need to vent. I need to get this pain out onto paper, or a digital page, all the same really. Feels better having people read the ramblings.

This is just total randomness, not really appropriate for my journal as it will no doubt contain many topics over the coming weeks and months, morphing as my brain heals and I rebuild my life. Trust me mods, Offtopic is where this thread belongs. Thank you.

I am feeling, I don't know, like my brain is healing and reconstructing itself. Some would probably say it's a flatline, I don't like using such cliched terminology invented by porn addicts.

Definitely withdrawal, what's funny is for the second week clean I was feeling better, then all of a sudden come week 3 it's like whammo! porn brain or shitbrain syndrome hits me out of left field. Lethargy and fogginess and wandering thoughts. Can't let the daily meditation and exercise slip, just gotta push through the porn brain suckiness and break through to the reformation of my gray matter.

Really digging deep into my humanity and negative mental habits and thought patterns, trying to break the mold and step outside the cycle of entertaining urges. Staying vigilant with my martial arts training and keeping definite goals at the front of my mind to transmute any bursts of libido levels to immediately.

That's enough for now.

 

How does a grown man whine like a toddler and get mood swings like they are going through male menopause?



Fapping to porn. One fap is enough to give any male symptoms that resemble PMS. I pity men who enjoy fapping and truly wish they quit before they enter the inevitable downward spiral.



Fellow fapstronauts, look at wtf porn is doing to us. That's all, just pay attention. There is no such thing as a responsible porn user. Saying that some people use porn 'responsibly' can be likened to saying there are responsible heroin users. Do you know how many people use heroin in moderation and still function highly, probably less than 1% of people who use heroin. And they either quit entirely, or end up becoming junkies and get cycled through the rehab system like the other 99% of heroin users.

My brain feels so toasted dudes, yet I feel totally pumped at the same time. Lots of optimism for the future, and trying to practice gratitude for the present, and repent of the past. Forgetting the past is a terrible mistake for an addict, to never slip up again you must repent with as much effort and energy as you put into binges. A gangster once said to a lil homie, you gots to repent as hard as you banged, put all your heart into it. I can never forget what happened this last binge, we need to remember what happened and feel so much disgust at how wrong it is to lust at random females online while fapping oneself into oblivion drunk and high.....enough about that. To truly realize just how wrong what you did was so deeply that it makes your soul burn is the only way to repent so you never do it again. Regret isn't enough. Wishing for things won't do it. Repentance, true repentance and reform is the only way for a stonecold addict, if you have any sense of right and wrong that is. If you are amoral or immoral, it ain't gonna work for ya.



I have to be wasted to look at porn, straight up exploitation and degrading to women and just can't watch it sober with my inhibitions in place. Erotica is my main vice because of this. But I just can't imagine any woman, no matter how scantily clad or how sexually charged of material she is in, would want to think that hundreds of thousands if not millions of males are fapping away to her online, that is just so fucked up. Men making love with screens, and people think that shit is normal nowadays, wtf is going on in the world. How are we the minority by trying to man the fuck up and connect with women offline in real relationships? How backwards is this world?



smashd.co/falling-in-love-with-screens/

 

One thought on the above post, I realize how many can make the argument they know a 'high functioning' porn user. I have an engineer friend who used to fap up to 4 times a day and maintained a great career. Here's the thing, high functioning does not have to solely mean you can maintain a high paying job or high social status. My friend has since quit entirely (he doesn't even know what NoFap is btw, some people quit by their own volition, this ain't the end all solution here) but his porn use has taken an irreversible toll on his life. He is in his late 30's and suffers from lower back pain and weak knees, not to mention low energy levels and lack of ability to connect with women in a meaningful, confident manner because he spent his 20s jacking off to porn.

Show me a man balanced in mind and body, strong and vibrant, compassionate and kind, whom faps to porn. That doesn't even sound right. You have to be self absorbed, greedy, lustful, and out of balance with nature to even wanna view porn lol.

Btw, clicking on porn fuels the demand for sex slavery and human trafficking, I can't post a link for another 24 hours but the facts can be found at Fight the New Drug's site.

"To viewers, pornography can appear as a fantasy world of pleasure and thrills. However, those who participate in and create pornography often become a part of a flood of drugs, disease, slavery, trafficking, rape, and abuse."

 

Damn feeling like a sack of shit today. Wtf. Have been living super-duper healthy for all of the past 3 weeks. Exercise, meditation, nutrition, herbs, vitamins, all on point. And I feel like absolute garbage. The last binge must have been truly devastating on my brain and central nervous system. April was a bad month for me in recovery, recovery was thrown out the window for half the month. This shit cannot happen again. I feel broken neurologically and emotionally. Only meditation for the rest of my life will cure this fapping disease. Patience and vigor, but boy is today a struggle and it is only noon. Not a struggle as in urges, a struggle as in I feel like fuckin crap physically and spiritually lol.

Copied from some blog:

A NEUROSCIENTIST EXPLAINS HOW MEDITATION CHANGES YOUR BRAIN


Do you struggle, like me, with monkey-mind? Is your brain also a little unsettled, restless, capricious, whimsical, fanciful, inconstant, confused, indecisive, or uncontrollable? That’s the definition of “monkey mind” I’ve been given!

If you need more motivation to take up this transformative practice, neuroscience research has shown that meditation and mindfulness training can cause neuroplastic changes to the gray matter of your brain.



A group of Harvard neuroscientists interested in mindfulness meditation have reported that brain structures change after only eight weeks of meditation practice.

Sara Lazar, Ph.D., the study’s senior author, said in a press release,

“Although the practice of meditation is associated with a sense of peacefulness and physical relaxation, practitioners have long claimed that meditation also provides cognitive and psychological benefits that persist throughout the day.”

To test their idea the neuroscientists enrolled 16 people in an eight-week mindfulness-based stress reduction course. The course promised to improve participants’ mindfulness and well-being, and reduce their levels of stress.

Everyone received audio recordings containing 45-minute guided mindfulness exercises (body scan, yoga, and sitting meditation) that they were instructed to practice daily at home. And to facilitate the integration of mindfulness into daily life, they were also taught to practice mindfulness informally in everyday activities such as eating, walking, washing the dishes, taking a shower, and so on. On average, the meditation group participants spent an average of 27 minutes a day practicing some form of mindfulness.



Magnetic resonance images (MRI scans) of everyone’s brains were taken before and after they completed the meditation training, and a control group of people who didn’t do any mindfulness training also had their brainsscanned.After completing the mindfulness course, all participants reported significant improvement in measures of mindfulness, such as “acting with awareness” and “non-judging.”

What was startling was that the MRI scans showed that mindfulness groups increased gray matter concentration within the left hippocampus, the posterior cingulate cortex, the temporo-parietal junction, and the cerebellum. Brain regions involved in learning and memory, emotion regulation, sense of self, and perspective taking!

Britta Hölzel, the lead author on the paper says,

“It is fascinating to see the brain’s plasticity and that, by practicing meditation, we can play an active role in changing the brain and can increase our well-being and quality of life.”

Sarah Lazar also noted,

“This study demonstrates that changes in brain structure may underlie some of these reported improvements and that people are not just feeling better because they are spending time relaxing.”

 

Thinking happy thoughts with the aid of positive youtube videos or music is a good anti-depressant and anxiolytic when nothing else seems to be working.

Some happy thoughts to take the pain away (copied from another blog):

3 Simple Daily Habits That Will Help You to Stay Optimistic
by HENRIK EDBERG

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Maria Robinson

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
Anais Nin

One of the most common questions people ask me via email is how to become more of an optimist.

So this week I’d simply like to share three habits that I use just about every day and that help me to stay optimistic in pretty much any situation.

It may sometimes take a while before I find an optimistic thread of thought but these three habits usually help me to do it.


1. Ask yourself questions that let you see the optimistic viewpoint.

When I’m in what seems like a negative situation my most common way of making something better out of that is to ask myself questions that promote optimism and helps me to find solutions.

Questions like:

• What is one thing that is positive or good about this situation?
• What is one thing I can learn from this situation?
• What is one opportunity within this situation?

These questions are not something that I can always use right away. Sometimes I need some time to process and accept the feelings and thoughts that arise.

But after a bit of time, when those thoughts and feelings have mostly passed, I ask myself one or more of these questions.

2. Get optimistic support from the world around you.

One the most important factors for being able to stay optimistic are the influences around you. Optimism is – just like enthusiasm – contagious.
So find ways to create an environment that supports you.

• The people in your life. Try to spend more time with optimistic people and less time with people who seem to always be negative about things. Positive people will support you, add upbeat energy and can help you to find a constructive change in perspective when you have a situation that is bringing you down and when you are just making a mountain out of a molehill.
• The information you let into your mind. One of the simplest things you can do to create and support your own optimism is simply to regularly read blogs and books and listen to or watch recordings created by optimistic people.

3. Start your day in an optimism creating way.

The way you start your day often sets the tone for the rest of it.

A stress-free morning leads to less stress and better focus during your day.

A work out early in your day leads to more energy throughout the day.

And optimism while you are eating your cereal or traveling to work or school can help you to stay positive and constructive as you go through the ups and downs of your day.

Three practical ways to get this good start is to:

• Read or watch something optimistic or funny for 10-20 minutes during your morning.
• Have an uplifting conversation over breakfast or early in your day.
• Listen to a motivating audiobook or podcast as you ride the bus, your bicycle or while you’re walking somewhere.

And a happy song, now I feel better prepared mentally to tackle the rest of the day

 

The money actually is not good for pornstars until they make a name for themselves. As if making a name for yourself by starring in porn is something to be proud about hahahah, alot of people in the industry come from fucked up families and yes they do feel a sense of acceptance from the industry with all the perverted attention. The reality for women in porn is nothing less than cruel, the utter amount of abuse and degrading acts a female star has to go through to make a name for herself in the industry before they start making decent money is sickening, if doing even one porn film isn't degrading enough for you.

This calls for some FTND content,





This is no pretty article: http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/rape...-scams-continue-to-lure-unsuspecting-victims/

Nor is this: http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/hall...-talks-extreme-damage-done-to-new-performers/

Lots more articles on their FB:
https://www.facebook.com/fightthenewdrug

 

I'm not depressed. This feeling is so weird, I have to assume it is low dopamine and testosterone levels. I think I fried my dopamine receptors, but there is absolutely no way to determine what exactly it is.

All in all I am assuming I simply abused my brain's reward center so badly that I have low motivation and am experiencing a lack of enjoyment or enthusiasm for normal entertainments and the small pleasures of life.

I've desensitized myself essentially and that is a slow and painful process to heal from.

Ah well I meditated this morning and will again tonight, have eaten extremely healthy today and taken herbs and avoided coffee, and am about to go run 5 miles. These receptors will have no choice but to yield to my efforts sooner or later and reward my ass. Switching addictions you could say but there ain't nothing wrong with a positive addiction.

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/248809

Also realizing life's purpose is about serving others. Helping people. To live solely for the sake of one's own pleasure and benefitting oneself is such a small and hollow way to live and leaves one prone to falling into vice very easily.

Face everything and rise gentlemen,

 

Ran 10 miles instead of 5. Such sweet, sweet medicine.

I am realizing how important it is to stay away from toxic and negative people. Choose your friends wisely, they can make you or break you. Sometimes it is better to not have any if all you have around you is a negative lot.

The right people will come into your life in time, if you keep making steady progress.

Lil pain up in mah brain rantin:

I'm so fuckin sick about reading people talk about their genital health or how much women in public are eyeballing them yadda yadda fuck that shit dude it makes me not want to use the forum. I realize some people think watching porn is like no big deal other than the fact that it has turned them into weak creatures who can't get hard or find a relationship other than with a screen. If they could still get hard when they wanted to and attract a mate, these folks would probably still fap to porn. Fuck that shit dude. I almost did not come to the forum due to people like this but there are alot of wise dudes here too. Choose your allies here wisely bros.

 

Making friends. Might ramble on this topic for the next few posts as we let some neurogenesis kick in over the next couple weeks and then post an update on my brain health.

Focusing on things other than not fapping is crucial for recovery. I suppose it is why the Offtopic section attracts me so much lol if this should be somewhere else go ahead and move it mods I don't really care. This isn't a thread I'm gonna remain dedicated to long term. Once my brain is fully recuperated this thread is done.

Gonna watch this video and compare some thoughts on it to the ideas found in the book the title of it is inspired by, Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends And Influence People:

 

Well this sure ain't my first rodeo my friend. I'm just sharing stuff I am realizing as I want nothing more than to rid fapping from my life. Too many failed attempts at 'rebooting'. Too much thinking about 'superpowers'.

I walk the path of discipline, honor, brotherhood and respect as set forth by the Heirs of the Sun and @SolidSoldier. I have played a victim to my own ego for long enough, and turned my back on enough people offline that I now reach out for help from those who have struggled with this very vice of self manipulation and are walking a path of true self improvement that is in line my values as a human being.

Even digital friendships make all the difference. Quite frankly the 'progress' many are involved in on this forum lacks structure and guidance. Don't mean to criticize but you need to find a group of serious and dedicated people if you want to conquer PMO.

 

Alrighty then forum dissatisfaction aside, will stick to equitable ramblings from now on.

I think the best way to meet genuine and good hearted friends is by training your ego and fostering compassion. People tend to flock to a warm hearted soul who isn't out for personal gain.

This FB post in my feed speaks so sharply to me:

Rip your ego apart and develop compassion.

As we tame the wildness of our minds with the appropriate discipline, all our defects will gradually disappear and all the qualities of a Bodhisattva will bloom. As Nāgārjuna said:

Someone who has acted carelessly,
But later becomes careful and attentive
Is as beautiful as the bright moon
emerging from the clouds.

However intractable our ego-clinging might seem, it is possible to free ourselves from it and develop compassion.

~ H.H. Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

 

Gotta share this tidbit by James Allen, just posted it in the Heirs subreddit, what a gem:

Thought and Purpose

Until thought is linked with purpose there is no intelligent accomplishment. With the majority the bark of thought is allowed to "drift" upon the ocean of life. Aimlessness is a vice, and such drifting must not continue for him who would steer clear of catastrophe and destruction.

They who have no central purpose in their life fall an easy prey to petty worries, fears, troubles, and self-pityings, all of which are indications of weakness, which lead, just as surely as deliberately planned sins (though by a different route), to failure, unhappiness, and loss, for weakness cannot persist in a power evolving universe.

A man should conceive of a legitimate purpose in his heart and set out to accomplish it. He should make this purpose the centralizing point of his thoughts. It may take the form of a spiritual ideal, or it may be a worldly object, according to his nature at the time being; but whichever it is, he should steadily focus his thought-forces upon the object, which he has set before him. He should make this purpose his supreme duty, and should devote himself to its attainment, not allowing his thoughts to wander away into ephemeral fancies, longings, and imaginings. This is the royal road to self-control and true concentration of thought. Even if he fails again and again to accomplish his purpose (as he necessarily must until weakness is overcome), the strength of character gained will be the measure of his true success, and this will form a new starting-point for future power and triumph.

Those who are not prepared for the apprehension of a great purpose should fix the thoughts upon the faultless performance of their duty, no matter how insignificant their task may appear. Only in this way can the thoughts be gathered and focused, and resolution and energy be developed, which being done, there is nothing which may not be accomplished.

The weakest soul, knowing its own weakness, and believing this truth that strength can only be developed by effort and practice, will, thus believing, at once begin to exert itself, and, adding effort to effort, patience to patience, and strength to strength, will never cease to develop, and will at last grow divinely strong.

As the physically weak man can make himself strong by careful and patient training, so the man of weak thoughts can make them strong by exercising himself in right thinking.

To put away aimlessness and weakness and to begin to think with purpose is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully.

Having conceived of his purpose, a man should mentally mark out a straight pathway to its achievement, looking neither to the right nor the left. Doubts and fears should be rigorously excluded; they are disintegrating elements, which break up the straight line of effort, rendering it crooked, ineffectual, useless. Thoughts of doubt and fear never accomplished anything, and never can. They always lead to failure. Purpose, energy, power to do, and all strong thoughts cease when doubt and fear creep in.

The will to do springs from the knowledge that we can do. Doubt and fear are the great enemies of knowledge, and he who encourages them, who does not slay them, thwarts himself at every step.

He who has conquered doubt and fear has conquered failure. His every thought is allied with power, and all difficulties are bravely met and wisely overcome. His purposes are seasonably planted, and they bloom and bring forth fruit, which does not fall prematurely to the ground.

Thought allied fearlessly to purpose becomes creative force; he who knows this is ready to become something higher and stronger than a mere bundle of wavering thoughts and fluctuating sensations; he who does this has become the conscious and intelligent wielder of his mental powers.

 

For the single dudes, being single can be a blessing my friends, new Clasik video uploaded just now. Clasik can be extreme but he has good intentions I feel ,

 

Clasik is like medicine for my 'lovey-dovey' side. I don't agree with all he says but listening to him rather than watching a romantic movie (I get urges for doing this at a certain point clean from fapping, which inevitably leads to fapping) changes my focus onto becoming a man who doesn't crave to be with a woman. A woman does not make the man nor does a straight man need a woman to be happy. We need to be happy with ourselves before we can think of finding a long-term committed relationship.

Feeling lonely and depressed. This is more a mind and soul pain than a brain pain, but I am pretty sure it is the state of my brain that is causing slight depression and feelings of loneliness.

A cheerful Clasik video

 

The 40% Rule:



And another interesting video:



And some batshit crazy randomness:

 

Bubbling with jubilance lately. Mood swings greatly diminished. Once energy is stabilized, we are one step closer to becoming a person people can rely on and draw strength and inspiration from as a wellspring of positive energy.



And I cannot stress it enough my friends (we're all friends here really, the ones who aren't committed to making truly positive changes in their life tend to drop away after sometime. And heaven forbid painfully reach a rock bottom after alot of casual sex once they've cured their ED and have stored enough hormones to attract a mate. That is no foundation that lasts though.) you must remove negative people from your life where possible:



Oh and on another random note, Datsik's new album is off the chain. So sick. Just stumbled across it today. Bass Nectar level tasty drops. About to crush an outdoor calisthenic and HIIT session blasting it.

 

Going hypocrite here, gonna make a ball comment hahaha, you'll never see me talking about boners though. Personally never suffered from willy problems. Hey I can understand PIED must suck, and hey if that is the sole reason someone is using this forum more power to 'em. Let's hope their motivation deepens and expands while they're here.

So just an observation, I happened to notice an abundance of 'life' in my testes last night, they just seem full and very very healthy. Lots of energy in the gonads hehe. I also have never ever suffered from blue balls which I believe is more psychological than physical. I was celibate for 5 straight years and not once did I have an issue with blue balls and maybe only had 3 or 4 WD's during those years.



Anyways back to the 'nads bahahaha sry I don't get to talks balls much. After doing sprints on the track just now I noticed my balls were smaller and the sack was tight not loose as happens when your jumbo marbles go into shrink mode, for instance how they get after a cold shower. Also coming home from the sprints I felt like I was having a special kind of orgasm in my brain. It was like my brain was being massaged in the best way possible. I know this was a healing response from the exercising to all the damage that has been done, mainly on the left side of my frontal lobe it feels like. Anyways when I noticed my balls were shrunk at home I thought that the sprints actually flushed my entire body with the building energy and it was like forcing the energy up through my chakras very quickly and that sweet action was swimming around around my brain afterwards. If this sounds bizarre go read this site, lots of quotes by Doctors explaining the relation between semen and brain juices, www.semenloss.info

Hmmmm, sprints more often, yes please!

 

Just came across this video, guy followed me on twitter, looks like it has a decent message:



Gots to restore our minds before we are ready to be the best friend possible.