Breaking the chains of relapse

Hi Everyone,

In response to arriving to my usual relapse point, 14 days, I've decided to make this post as a celebration, and as a brief commentary on my experiences with relapse.

For as long as I can remember I've struggled and strived for some sort of moderate use of P as a way to satisfy my needs without doing anything as extreme as completely giving something up. I wanted to be a functional alcoholic if I can borrow that term, and in many ways, I was. I've kept my jobs, dated, travelled, juggled a busy social life and even got married this year.

But all the while P was in the mix, and for me, something didn't feel right. I was betraying my values and I wasn't the man I wanted to be. A subtle feeling of shame shadowed me. And so I'd continually go through cycles which would ultimately end in self-hatred and frustration: sporadic use, complete abstinence, relapse and repeat. And for whatever reason, 2 weeks would be the tipping point, if not sooner. Once I hit the two week point, something in my brain would say 'fuck it - its not that bad' and the cycle would repeat.

So today I arrive at 2 weeks, or 14 days, or a lot of minutes.... and for whatever reason the fuck it muscle isn't trying to flex itself. I'm not sure whats changed, but maybe this time I'm ready to go further, a lot further. Like the time I finally quit smoking and began to actualize a happy and fulfilling life without tobacco.

For me, relapse has been such a pivotal and challenging part of this journey. Getting the confidence after a period of success only to have is come crashing down can do a real number on your resolve. Relapse or the threat of relapse is a unifying factor that all 'addicts' (I really dislike that term but I'll use it anyway) struggle with. So I'm going to acknowledge that relapse is the burden I'm looking to overcome, that discipline and self-mastery are the alternatives to repeating the cycles of shame and ambivalence.

I still have a long way to go before I consider myself a true 'success story' but I wanted to put this out there in case there are others who can identify a bit with my story and who also struggle with repeated relapses.

Thats all I have for now. Good luck to everyone, with whatever it is your working on. It is worth the effort, or you wouldn't be trying in the first place. Take care, B.