Brief biopic + PMO attempts & challenges

Hello everyone,

Firstly I want to thank NoFap and YBOP's people for bringing to the surface the deep problems of high-speed-affordable internet pornography of our times. I'll try to summarize in spite of being a complicated issue -like most of us I guess- my current troubles and trends. WARNING, may it be a long read for you guys.

I discovered pornography since 12 with a friend of mine and since then I didn't have any access to a daily/weekly access to porn since I had 16 yo as I had permanent internet. So, I started watching more or less every week to it for a variety of days which was very enjoyable at that time to arouse me and helping myself to cope with the lack of self-esteem at school with girls that seemed to me unreaching and I put them at the top idealizing their beauty, kindness and overall sexual and affective feats.

I continued with this habit all the way through till reaching college, where the habit was kind of the same and with detailed knowing of sites, pornstars, genres and so on. P was natural to me and I during this period I started wondering about the effects of M to men's health seeing no motives whatsoever to remove it as it was a general condition regarded for many forums, press articles and similars where they indicated no damage nor shame in it. Fair enough for me.

I had this reinforcement habit during my degree at College for the last four years. I went from twice a day as an exception on school time to as three times per day hit the "normal day" bar my last year and my Master year.

Brain fog mostly, demotivation with social life, anxiety, PIED when trying M without P shame towards girls/womens of same age and kind of hatred for being at them misunderstood cuz "too complicated and stupid" for me and always hanging on with disrespectful and "cool-looking" but assholes. Also, my social interaction at parties came to be a motive for starting craving sex-affective relation with other girls hanging around and being anxious or depressed for my lonely condition at the end of the night. All of them hitted mildly or sometimes hardly at some point, alone or mixed. Anyway, considering this feats of mine as part of a non-adaptative behaviour towards a mass of sheeps I developed a some kind of narcissistic personality of avoidance for other "not-so-interesting-as-me-people". What started as an impulsion to seek pleasure for dopamine rush with novelty, hot chicks and fantasies about nasty practices on a suposed-to-be lover ended up being a compulsion in order to deal with stress, anxiety, anger, sadness to "rewire me" to the normal standing.

A year ago, in March 2018 that I figured out a escalation in a more arousing and forbbiden content that I feel for the first time messing up with my private sexual, affective and social life. At March, for a reason I cannot remember, I end up seeing YBOP. This was like a kind of awakening for like-minded people and experts that covered my main suspicion about the subject and the intrinsic relationship between P,M,O, romantic relationship, confidence, individual performance, etc. A revelation that brought me memories of the naivity & one-sideness of each article read those years at school & college and the power of serious research.

This was a starting point of ups & downs since then (now at the edge of a bad one, and hoping for being now on a good one).

In my last time I met a nice girl but very introvert, lack of communication (she was a new expat at the city) with emotional instability, family problems and other stuff that I wasn't ready to cope with since it was my first long-term relationship. We broke up after months of dysfunctional one-sided relationship for me. I noted that I had a clear problem of affective codependency that made me hooked at chating, being-together romantic fantasy with unfitted people. I had no sex whatsoever with her during all six months relationship because I wanted to wait till she was ready. I grow up a lot here in recognizing the concrete problem. It wasn't since a year later that I noticed a certain addiction to love, romance and sex (with intermingled overall effects prompted up by PMO).

Previously, I started being aware of my diet avoiding bad habits or emotional eatings to cope with stress or similars.

Since the revelation then I started making exercise (mild consistence during all the summer making basic body-weight exercises) till September. At that time I used to PMO then (due to my summer job also) at a 1/2 per Day rate with my first period of 1 week clean starting July (before that I had a few days in between fap. Not bad for me, I was satisfied but edged the on sixth day. During that summer I had an affair with a girl with no compromise (we fairly agreed on that) that was great in spite a few PIED and helped me cope with my last broke up.

For the autumn I engaged on a other streak of few days that at some point reached 6/7 days. For now, my record is 13 days streak. Since X-mas Eve I started consistent streaks of isolated weeks and few days that slowed the pace and reflexed on my daily life with more time, maturity and calmness for my time. March and April was the most consistent months were I had more days on NoFap than PMO that make me feel proud but somehow disappointed for not being able to go more than two weeks since the long road took since that day at March 2018. I went almost one month uninterrupted on meditading and since now I go on running and weight-lift for 1/2 times a week even tough I'm not done with PMO.

The last issue I had at the end of April was the feeling that I felt in love with one of my best female friends (the only close one indeed) with how I shared many experiences since College and I didn't want to loose it. After a full-anxiety week ruminating and rationalizing it I came on a conclusion that I felt a close affection for her as a supportative friend with whom I shared many of my emotions towards girls and that made me feel a charming sensation of kindness and I love juicyng about embracing (I thought on her while PMO/MO many times). I know she had a very bad experience and unsatisfied relationships for her part and that makes me fell more protective for helping her (so it makes me fell great about myself, but I had to avoid doing stuff like that just to compensate my own lacks). On one day hanging out with a group of friends alongside with her she was very touchy and kind so I understood wrongly this sings in the aftermath (increasing my hide feelings for romance and fullfilment dreams within a relationship). Few days after, hanging around we agreed of our ideal view about "how a relationship has to be" like if we were secretly testing each other as an potentiall partner (even though it was just a kind exchange of opinions) and came under the conclusion that I "want" a relationship for falling in love not with a concret person but with an ideal. The so regretted romantic love always critics made its appearence in my dreams and cravings and put one of my best friend within this issue. I swear you guys that this was one of the hardest emotional dilemmas for me in a long time. For now we remained a little bit more distant as if we're taking some time to set up our emotional status, which is good. Here I think I demonstrate massive maturity in not rushing into romantic declaration or improper behavior that would made her even more distrustful about guys and, after all I think I choose the correct path. This last cause made me feel skeptical about NOFAP and I wondered if this might have caused me affective unrest that could have been better numbed with a little poison of my own (in this case PMO) as many other people use alcohol, food, gaming and others to deal with their emotional and daily life storm.

No Tinder, no Instagram, no Twitter, no more unnecesary relationships, affairs and sexual cravings that pays the price in long term on my sexual, affective and social life. No more PMO, thats it.

In conclusion. I often regret relapsing and going on a cycle of "motivation-confidence-faith-relapse-sadness-anxiety-loneliness-despair-apaty" since I took the serious intention on going on 90 PMO-free challenge. My strategy was to start with a 30 days monk-mode and then swith to an eventual 90 days hard-mode after reaching those 30 days. This is consistent with the juicyng fantasies on many morning and at night on my bed that caused many of my last relapses in addition with those caused by chaser effect, stress and unappropiate coping mechanisms and rationalizations.

More can I say for what's career, family and social issues and others (including personal research and insights about NOFAP and addiction-related subjects), but not for me so related to PMO like my personal sexo-emotional part. For now it's enough.

This shit is tough guys, really tough, I never considered this to be so. I need to refresh myself, without other meanings in my daily life I won't make it. I realized that motivation is just an emotion, just a feeling that not always can curb your problems. We don't need motivation, it isn't enough to fullfil our goals, we may need years to discover our meaning and purpose, we need DISCIPLINE. Without meaning, duty is wasteland, without duty meaning is fantasy. The pursuit of Excellence in our own settled values is the way for curing the addictions, obsesions and self-sabotage behaviours. ->

PS. Sorry for the long post, I read here broad texts but never dared since now to share it till I considered necessary. Sorry for my misleading English. Thank you to all for reaching this far. My best wishes to all!!!