Broken but desperate to repair

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Man On Fire, Sep 9, 2014.

  1. Man On Fire

    Man On Fire Fapstronaut

    I made a concerted effort to give up pornography about 3 months ago. Similar pre-internet attempts were attempted throughout my twenties involving smashing of videotapes and burning of magazines.

    Today, after paying 10 dollars for a 4 minute video of a fat woman farting, I managed to finally delete all the porn on my hard drive - for the past three months I had been attempting this on an originally unintentional gradual scale whereby 30gb were reduced to 11gb.

    I had a relapse of voyeurism this year and that's a place I never want to return to. Confessing to my best friend, several years after the incident, that it was me who had stolen his video camera is not a highlight of my late twenties.

    Unfortunately I started with the pillow humping business to films that contained nudity. I found the switch*, a year or so later, to the regular method very difficult - I was circumsized at 9 and this, at least in my head, didn't help matters. Nipples were gradually introduced in my teens and this pattern continues to this day - I simply cannot conjure an erection from a non-porn wank without gentle nipple touching. The over-reach of my left hand to touch two nipples at once I believe has now led to a repetitive strain injury.

    All of this is utterly ridiculous but the compulsion to engage in it is beyond words.

    My younger brother has just had his second child at 31. I can barely produce semen without porn let alone have sex.

    There's tonnes more of course but I had to get something down in print.

    *unfortunately this was never a permanent switch. I'm always horny first thing in the morning and most mornings a pillow wank is initiated although I rarely orgasm that way as it's exhausting and noisy and does little to stop my bed being a creaking menace.
    macscot likes this.
  2. enoughnow

    enoughnow Fapstronaut

    Good luck with whatever methods or efforts you make to give up. Sounds like you're about my age. Me, I've been escaping from the world into porn and/or wanking for best part of 25 years. Now I want to escape from wanking/porn back into the world.

    For me, the way I want to do this is just consistently asserting to myself that porn dependency is NOT what I want from the rest of my life. The countless hundreds (maybe thousands) of hours I've lost looking at or for porn that I should have spent on outside interests, socialising etc. have to be made up for starting now.
  3. Man On Fire

    Man On Fire Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the reply. I'm going for total abstinence until I see some results. I'm through my first weekend, the time of the week when I've always failed in the past.

    Thankfully I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms yet but we're heading into uncharted territory.
    macscot likes this.
  4. macscot

    macscot Fapstronaut

    Hey Man, Great post, nice writing. Have to admit you made me laugh, at paragraph 2.
    I'm new on here, but it's got to be the best therapy around, great group of men-- which is where I want to be.
    BTW, also got introduced to nipples a few years back. It's the trigger for me that I'm working on now, to avoid.

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