Broken inside because I can never measure up to the women in his porn

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Just4*2day, Dec 10, 2016.

  1. We once had a standing 330 appointment that usually resulted in some hot sex and a power nap we probably did this for 6-10 years before we started missing appointments here and there, it dropped off a while and we picked it up again for many years i felt like it was a way we bothb came together and could relieve our stress of the day and reconnect but those have become a semi-monthly activity and the bathroom has his attention now. I am at a loss as to how I am to approach him without looking like I am always checking his personal equipment like his cell phone and kindle which can now to play videos. I do not try to look at his stuff but it's been left in an open screen a few times. Also Lyrotica which is erotic reading material which may not seem as bad but it feeds the same monster addiction, how do I explain that all of it needs to go. The last thing I want is to shame him or point fingers of blame or put him on the defence. I wish it could be as easy as telling him that "forsaking all others means not looking at other naked women" because that is how I feel but it is so much more complicated than that. I don't want to feel like I need to watch him but he brings his kindle into the bathroom to read and whatever else because it now has WiFi and can play videos. Other than I highly suspect some trouble with getting an erection many of the times he turned me down and his reduced libido all i have to show him is, for him to look inside himself and ask some questions about his habits then show him some evidence of the porn on the brain studies that have been done. I would do anything for him and I will do whatever i can to help him, i just need to open his eyes. I'm torn and I'm angry because this addiction has already stolen my self esteem. What does it matter that another would find me appealing if the object of my own attention does not appear to. I lost track years ago of how many nights I lay awake crying because he doesn't even touch me and worse feeling rejected again because my advances are met with a sigh and an "I'm so tired", I want to reply, "I'm so alone, undesired and unwanted and pathetic because even my own husband doesn't want me" . Basically I feel like unless I tell him in the morning i want to full around and remind him a few times that day then tell him point blank, at least an hour before bed, "I need to feel you inside me". That is it in a nutshell, I ache for him and he prefers his fantasy. Studies revealed that when a person experiences rejection, it activates the bodies pain center in the brain it is the only emotion found to do this. I have been in pain for so long I would do anything for him even endure this pain. In the past 8 years I have even diagnosed with several chronic pain conditions, fibromilgia, inflamitory arthritis all over, degenerative disc disease with vacuum disc phenomon, severe carple tunnel an thorasic outlet syndrom amoung a few I can think of. The strangest phenomon is that they all clear up when i feel loved and wanted by him. He does still do little things that make me know he loves me but I still truly ache for him and it causes physical pain to be rejected. Going from at least one sexual connection daily down to 2 or 3 a month leaves a lot of rejection. Sometimes I don't know if it's better to stay in bed and feel miles away from him or get up and try to occupy my thoughts with other things. I have always had a very high libido and since his has been on steady decline since about 6 years into our marriage so 2005, I fear that I may have a problem now also just with satisfying my own desires myself. I can't remember the last time I was able to climax in his presents, I get close and I see the faces of those porn stars I've glimpsed at on his phone and I'm afraid he will compare my response to them and I will be found lacking so I just can't relax and let go. sex is sex but an orgasm, for me anyway requires trust and I just can't trust that he won't compare me to his fantasy and find I fall short because after all, I will always fall short when it comes to a fantacy with no string, attachments or expectations. We actually started couples counseling but I didn't put his porn addiction on blast because of how personal it is. Now I find our insurance isn't covering them so easy will have to try something else.
     
    Red Eagle likes this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    He might be willing to have an honest discussion about his porn usage. More than likely he will not want to have that conversation. Here are the reasons... it is a deeply shameful subject to talk about... after years of usage an addict builds up defensive tactics to hide the addiction... and addicts tend to minimize the extent of their addiction. Since you are initiating the conversation he will probably do or say anything to make you go away so he can go back to his addiction. On the other hand, me might be open for an honest conversation... it depends on the person.

    One approach can be to ask him how he feels about his porn usage. He might have already thought about it extensively and wants to talk about it. I grew up using porn and when my wife confronted me I was ready to give it up... after 25 years of usage I knew happiness could not be found using porn. So he might be more ready to give it up compared to a younger man.

    Another approach might be to talk about YOUR feelings instead of confronting him about HIS problem. You could talk about the downward direction your relationship has taken. You can explain to him just how deeply hurt it makes you feel. Don't assume he must know what you are thinking and feeling... addiction can blind us to the damage we are causing others. Talk about changes in his behavior and point out that he's not fooling anyone by bringing his phone into the bathroom. If he's been experiencing (or fear experiencing) erectile dysfunction ask him if he thinks it's because of simply getting older or because there's a strong connection between watching porn and ED.

    It might sound manipulative but don't be afraid to use a few tears. Men cannot bear to see a woman cry. Addicts surround themselves with delusional thinking that blocks logical and reasonable arguments, but emotions are able to penetrate that bubble.

    Another approach might be to write a letter. It gives you a chance to compose your thoughts. If he's a good at arguing then it's good to have something detailed prepared ahead of time. Also, if he shuts you down early in the conversation then you can leave him with something that explains what you had prepared. Some husbands also save those letters to remind them of what they're fighting for.

    If you can get him to acknowledge that his problem is more than simply a bad habit and closer to an addiction then that is a victory. Inform him that lots of men have developed porn addiction problems (including plenty of men in their 40's, 50's, and older) and it doesn't mean he's weak or a failure of a husband. Almost all men who fight this on their own fail because they don't treat it like an addiction. Tell him there is no shame in looking for help. Tell him you love him but hate the behavior. Be firm that something needs to change and expect him to think about what he wants to do next. Offer suggestions if he asks, but give him control over how he wants to proceed otherwise he might resent you for 'forcing' him to change. Also, establish a time for the next followup conversation and let him know that he cannot let this drag out.

    Hopefully he will respond favorably to the first conversation. If not then followup conversations will have to be more firm and include more consequences. Only when my wife threatened to move out and take our children with her did I finally wake up and change. That was my rock-bottom moment. Many addicts need a moment of clarity that cuts through all the delusional thinking. I hope he wakes up sooner rather than later.
     
  3. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    I can really feel how you're writing down your feelings here.
    But you have to do something about it if you want your husband back. I already suggested that you edcucate him. Show him how harmful porn is. There is plenty of material on the internet. I'd suggest the your brain on porn video on youtube. Here it is
    If you already tried to educate him, how did he react? Was he interested.
    If he just has no incentive to change you have to force him by showing him what he'll lose. If you find no other option you can say that you'll leave him if he won't stop consuming porn or you just won't be there for him in matters that have nothing to do with sexuality if he is not available for sex with you.
    But most important is still that he realizes that he is addicted. Addicts often won't admit this and use various defense techniques to avoid being critisized.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2017
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  4. R1111444

    R1111444 Fapstronaut

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    i hope he become better,, in general mens think about that beauty out side women , they date many girls and use them , its huge problem in society, i am sure they youges those marriage have same problem , because never learned about how they can living in happy life
     
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  5. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    The issue in all these relationships with an addict is that both of you have insecurities.
     
  6. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

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    This is a very profound statement, because it truly does feel like the person is in a coma until they finally admit to reality. Thanks for that.
    I empathize with your situation and wish you all the best during the trying times that lie ahead. Please take care of yourself as best, or rather better than you ever have.
     
  7. Um yes I'm pretty certain that I established mine and the whole pmo addiction states that obviously so please don't quote me unless you plan to use what I've said to be helpful
     
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  8. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    ... And you said clearly: "I fear that when my husband looks at 20 year old's naked, he judges me by that standard"

    Fear is another word for insecurity.

    With your words, you express your inner doubts, that you feel "not beautiful enough", "not worth enough". In fact, your self confidence could be strengthened. And the same is true for your husband.
     
  9. @snowhite i think the problem is more just4*2day's husband's porn addiction instead her insecurities und fears resulting from that. To get help she is here you know? If she had no insecurities or fears she would not be here to seek help. The one person who must realize that he needs help is her husband, not her.
     
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  10. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    @Just4*2day

    Sorry, no, this kind of logic is too simple. It is of course true that her husband needs help and needs to strengthen his inner self, but for she it is the same also!

    And she wrote clearly that she has fears !

    It is a fact that an addict always, always, comes together with a person who has also some inside issues. Otherwise, such a relationship would not start.

    And even when they split up: As long as she has these fears, she would come again together with an addicted person. Next time, it's a gambler, a workoholic, a drinker.

    A confident man would not want to be together with a woman who comes up timid and shy. He is sensing that and he would feel uneasy. He would feel like playing a game with her, and that's not what he wants.
     
  11. No offense, snowwhite, but this is utter bullshit. She comes here for advice, and you tell her she is the reason for him choosing her because if he is an addict then she must be also somehow not alright? Sorry man, this is not just wrong but also rude. We are not talking some theoretical concepts here, but just4*2day situation concerning her husband's porn addiction. Of course she feels insecure, if i had a wife and she would wank off all the time to some good looking guys who make everything i also would feel insecure.
     
  12. And by the way, a porn addict is not a confident man. At least not secretly. I think most of us here can relate to that sentence.
     
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  13. No_More_Lies

    No_More_Lies Fapstronaut

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    @Just4*2day

    I'm a married man myself, and my wife brought up her concerns about her own attractiveness compared to pornstars.

    Let me tell you this: I love my wife, and I think she is incredibly attractive. However, porn had sunk its teeth into me before we had started dating, and it is something that still holds power over me today. It has nothing to do with how attractive my wife is, and more on the dopamine rush I was getting from watching porn while masturbating.

    For me, this video makes the most sense of the addiction:

    I bid you the best of luck in confronting your husband.
     
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  14. @Just4*2day

    I think you really tried already lots of things. I hope he either chooses to become honest to you and himself, or if not, i don't know.. Leave him or make him realize that you are dead serious about leaving him if he does not search himself help.. Good Luck!
     
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  15. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Yes I know. Of course ! Or did you understand me differently?

    This couple consists of two persons:
    • Husband = insecure = PMO addict
    • @Just4*2day = insecure = .... ?
    Please: I say this just for your reflection! There is no offense in this! I see myself pretty much in the same situation!
     
  16. OK, I'll admit it hurt just to read it because being able to reflect on it with no direction on how to fix it, well, hurts. But I get you were not just poking at an open wound, however it did feel that way at the time. I guess I was being too sensitive (insecure) still.
     
    SnowWhite likes this.
  17. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    I think we can get in over our heads quickly on here when we look to play therapist, analyze and give advice to others. I believe where this site can be more beneficial to the addict and the SO affected by the addict is when we seek to care rather than to cure. I hope we can be there for you and let you know that we care about you and your situation. I apologize on behalf of the others here if any of us moved more into the analyzing you or advice giving realm. ;)
     
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  18. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    No I see this differently. Why is care better than cure? I think cure is better.

    It is not necessary to open up wounds and hurting. In fact it is necessary to overcome the feeling of anxiety which is limiting us.
    It's about taking risks, taking decisions, taking responsibility.
     
  19. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    You appear to be convinced of this so feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt. "Always" and "fact" are what attracted my attention. I do not believe SOs of addicts can ALL be grouped into one lump sum. Sure there is likely to be some who are codependent, have low self esteem, struggle with some form of addiction themselves, but surely NOT ALL.

    It is possible for an addict to hide their addiction so that when their SO does discover it the SO is faced with the pros (person addict is when not obsessed with addiction) and cons (person addict is when addiction has taken over their lives) of continuing the relationship.

    Plus, I don't believe a person sets out to be an addict. Therefore I feel it is very possible for two people to not have known emotionally/psychological issues and come together, not knowing one (or both) may develop an addiction triggered by some stress/emotional trauma in life (spouse has cancer, child born with disability, dying parent, etc.).

    Sorry, not a fan of generalizations so had to put in my 2¢. That's my issue.;)
     
  20. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    I would agree that cure is better. However, I personally don't believe that is our responsibility and may not even be possible. I know for many many years I desperately wanted to be "cured" from this addiction and it was that desire that actually kept me bound to addiction. Any brief period of sobriety I would have would make me think I was cured and would end up letting my guard down. And then of course...I would slip and act out and was right back in it again and feeling shame over my actions. And the addiction cycle would repeat over and over. It was only when I accepted my addiction and owned my story that I could begin to really recover and experienced extended sobriety.

    Many would argue that there is no cure from addiction and that an addict will always be susceptible to the temptation if they are not actively working the recovery process. I'm part of a weekly support and accountability group for those that struggle with this addiction. I've seen literally 50+ guys come through the group over the years and many of them have been part of the group for many many years. My experience and what I have observed has been that my previous statement about always being susceptible to temptation is true. This is a basic tenant of AA and all addiction support groups. We are not therapists and therefore shouldn't be trying to cure each other. While that is a very appealing concept and something that many that are new to the recovery process long for, it's not very practical or even helpful.

    So as to why I said that I see more value in caring for each other instead of trying to cure? Each person is responsible for themselves and their own actions. I believe we shouldn't try to manage another's recovery process. That is for them to do. But, we can support them, encourage, care about them and share our own experiences and wisdom we have learned through our journey's in hope that the other person can benefit from hearing that and perhaps our experiences will allow them grow, heal and recover as a result. :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2017

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